


Don't Make Me Come to Vegas

by notcrindy



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Drug Use, Emotional Abuse, Mental Illness, Multi, Physical Abuse, Poisoning, Suicide Attempt, Vomiting, idk what this is, mentioned sexual abuse, the domestic Magical America Twins AU no one asked for i guess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-02-06 22:02:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 53,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12827025
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcrindy/pseuds/notcrindy
Summary: Taako's face is everywhere now, but Lup hasn't spoken to him in years.That's why she knows something's up when he calls her at four AM from some hotel room in Vegas, trashed out of his goddamn mind.(Or: Taako gets hurt. Lup helps him heal this time around.)





	1. Chapter 1

Lup hasn’t heard from her twin brother in years, but she sees his face everywhere.

The first and most obvious offense is brought to her by the bathroom mirror.

She’s made painstakingly sure that there are noticeable differences between them, but that’s not new. They’ve both been trying since they were kids to set themselves apart from one another. He’s always wanted his hair to grow and thought their locks were beautiful; she’s always chopped them all off as soon as she could and kept her hair short. He’s always liked to wear makeup and glamor in excess; it took encouragement from Barry for her to try makeup out, and she keeps it subtle now (with the exception of her lips, which are always an obvious red-to-red-orange or black). He keeps their naturally blonde hair, and she dyes it dark with little bits of red or magenta or orange throughout every chance she gets. He acts like it’d kill him to wear a good pair of bluejeans and a t-shirt once in awhile, always dressed to the nines in some flamboyant bullshit.

Still, some part of him always stares back at her from the mirror, so that sucks.

The second problem is that she’ll sometimes catch him on TV, on the cover of some magazine, or wrapped up in some smutty tabloid filth. He’s on t-shirts, he’s got his own cookbook out ( _Now You Can Sizzle It Up in Your Own Home!_ ), and he’s got a restaurant that just opened up in Las Vegas or something. His presence is everywhere, inescapable, and Barry’s had to listen to more than his fair share of venting.

He’s everywhere, but he hasn’t actually talked to her in forever.

That’s why, when he finally calls her, she’s so quick to answer the phone. “Taako?”

Barry stirs beside her with a little noise and a murmured question, and she strokes his cheek and tells him softly to go back to sleep, babe. It’s okay. Even as she says the words, she feels a sort of twisting and sick feeling in her gut, ears perked up and listening.

“Lulu,” the voice slurs on the other line. “Holy _shit._ You picked up.”

“Of course I did, dumbass. I’m always trying to get a hold of you.” Some bitterness shines through there, but not as much as it could have. Call it--ugh--twin’s intuition or whatever you want, but she can _tell_ when something’s up, and the important thing is to keep him on the phone. “Doesn’t usually go the other way around, though. So what’s up?”

She can tell how wasted he is by how near tears he is now. Usually he does everything he can to hold those back, even in front of his own family, but right now his voice sounds like a quiet sob. Too quiet, really, for Taako. “Such a _long_ story, Lulu. It’s… ...eugh. ‘S not good, Lup.” He giggles quietly, desperately. “I said ‘snot.’”

Might be high, too. Giving off that vibe. She doesn’t like this. “Okay, well. How ‘bout you tell me the short version now, and we can get to the long version later, okay? But you gotta focus.”

“Mm, sorry,” he apologizes like a whisper. “I’m a _teeeensy_ bit not… ...not… ...like, here right now.”

“Yeah, I know. But like, let’s just try our best.” She inhales and exhales. “What’s going on, Taaks?”

“Mm. I… I’m sooooo _sorry_ we haven’t talked in so long. I love you, Lulu. Really.”

“Taako, _focus._ Why are you calling me? At…” She glances at the clock. “...four in the fucking morning? Come on, bro.”

“Oh, yeah,” he says, then giggles, which turns into sobbing. “It’s Sazed.”

Her blood runs cold.

“Taako.” She tries to keep her voice as even as possible. “What did he do?”

“Not his fault, Lup,” he tries. “Mine. _Please,_ don’t get mad.”

She’s already furious. He’s trying to use that _tone_ he always does after he’s talked to that asshole and gotten an earful from him, or worse. He’s trying to stop her anger, or stop her from suspecting anything, which of course she did the moment she met the fucker in the first place. Now it clicks into place that he doesn’t just sound drunk or high to her--now it registers that he sounds scared and lost and hurt, and _that’s_ what’s dragging her out of bed to slip her red jacket on.

She lies through her teeth anyway. “I’m not mad, Taaks. Tell me what’s going on.”

“‘kay.” He sounds like back when they were kids, nearly, and it chills her to think about it. “He’s… ...um, gone, Lulu. Gone and… ...so’s the show and… ...everythin’... ...is all gone, so I… ...I dunno what to do.”

She’s searching for her keys, occasionally cursing under her breath. Her brother is so far gone on the other end that he doesn’t even notice, and Barry’s up and at ‘em now ‘cuz of _course_ her boy knows when shit’s sus too. He’s the one who finds the keys, and he tosses ‘em her way without a second thought.

“Hell yeah, Bluejeans,” she whispers. “Thanks a million.”

“Need me to come with?”

“What’d you say?” Taako inquires on the other end.

“I said that _blows_ and I’m so sorry,” she lies again, but it’s a lie that’s kind of true, because she _would_ have said it if she weren’t trying to already get her ass out of the door ASAP. “Um, where are you, Taaks?” She holds up a finger so Barry knows she can’t talk to him just yet.

“Oh, _nooooo,_ Lulu. Don’t come. I don’t need you here. ‘S fine.”

“Bullshit. Where are you, Taako?”

“Glamour Springs.” Must be the name of some fancyass neon-riddled hotel on the strip. She doesn't get there enough to know, but she knows she could Google Maps it, and that's really all that matters at the moment. He’s still quiet, like a kid who’d just been scolded and put in time out, and his sister hates every second. “But really, ‘s like, no bigs--”

“Yeah, well, you’re probably the most out of it I’ve ever heard you, so no. I don’t think I’m gonna believe that, Taaks. I’ll see you soon, okay? _Please_ stay put and don’t do anything stupid. Twin promise. For me.”

“Twin promise,” he scoffs. “You just _made that up._ ”

“Yup, I did, and that makes it a thing now. So you gotta promise.”

He groans. “Fine. Twin promise.”

“‘Atta boy. Call me back if you need to, okay? You know I’m not that far. Please, um. Be safe.”

“Youuuuuu _got’cha_ , Froot Lup.”

She’s worried if she hangs up the phone she won’t ever hear from him again, but he hangs up first. “I love you,” she says to nothing now that the call’s ended, then curses again. She’s putting “Glamour Springs” into the phone now, heading toward the front door without even thinking about it.

“Is he okay?” Barry asks from behind her.

“Not really, Barr.”

“You’re shaking, babe.”

“Yeah, kind of, but I can’t stick around to talk about it, okay?”

“That’s fair,” he says. “Do you need me to tag along or drive or anything? I should.”

Ah, bless her asthmatic husband and his absolute _hatred_ of enormous crowds and lots of noise and lights. Bless him for automatically trying to sacrifice himself to the chaos of the Las Vegas Strip just to make sure she’s okay, but she knows even as she turns and looks into his haggard and worried face that she could never do that to him. She’ll have to go this one alone.

“Babe, don’t worry, okay? I know that’s what you do best.” Lup can tell she’s been shaking as she puts her hands in his, and she fucking hates herself for it, but a kiss from Barry calms her down somewhat. “But this is family business. I don’t think he’d want you to see him like this, anyhow.”

“Okay, good point,” he concedes. “But if you need _anything--_ ”

“Barry.” She kisses him again, this time with all the passion and love she can manage at a time like this, and he shuts up immediately and returns the favor. When it’s done, she pulls away and looks him in the eyes. “It’s a short drive. I’m not gonna need anything. Get some good shuteye while I’m gone, and I’ll be back in a jiff. I promise.”

“You know I’m not gonna be able to,” he sighs. “But all right. I know you can hold your own.”

“Damn right I can,” she reassures him. And herself. “Okay, I _really_ gotta go now.”

“Understood. Bye, babe. Love you forever.”

“Later, nerd. I love you for even longer than _that_.”

With that, she’s off.

She maintains her composure for most of the drive, at least. She has to keep skipping songs on her shuffle without putting much thought into it, and her knuckles are too tight on the steering wheel. It’s really fucking hard not to speed right now, but she knows she couldn’t possibly be there for family if she got into a car wreck or some stupid nonsense, so she tries to keep herself in check. Classical gives her mind too many places to wander right now, rock is too keyed up, and pop feels too fucking upbeat for the situation.

Finally, Lup settles on some female vocalist and the piano, not even caring which one as she hums the tune and drives with a certain fear and numbness in her stomach. Didn’t even mean to, but she’s landed on a song called “Don’t Make Me Come to Vegas,” and she catches herself singing along before she gets angry at her shuffle for knowing what the fuck is going on in her life and just shuts the shit off, grumbling under her breath.

“Over my dead _body,_ ” she sings with bitterness, and then she’s listening to the sound of cars and brooms and bikes and whatever the hell else zipping along. Tries to remember all the things her therapist has taught her about coping and staying calm as she searches for certain road signs, and she wishes she could pop a Xanax or cast Calm Emotions on herself or something.

Still, it’s not a long drive. She tells herself this over and over.

When the Strip’s within her sights, she feels like she can finally fucking breathe, although by this point her mind is going a mile a minute. She tries to give Taako another call to let him know she’s on her way and it’s no surprise the flashy bastard doesn’t pick up, but she tries to stave off any thoughts that something more might’ve happened to him.

Just as she’s searching for a decent parking space, Barry calls, and she nearly jumps out of her skin thinking it might be Taako at first. When he answers, she’s surprised to find she bursts into tears at the first sign of concern from him, and he talks her down enough for her to be able to take a deep breath and get out of the car and start walking toward her actual destination.

Thank God(s) for Barry Bluejeans.

Steadying herself, she walks inside to immediately be greeted by her brother’s smiling and smarmy face, as if to mock what they’re _actually_ for real going through at the moment. She wants to scream as it advertises his show in big, pink, bold lettering and the fact that his new restaurant just opened up, but at least the casino is mostly dead at this hour, so she doesn’t have to put up with a lot of bullshit to get to the front desk.

“Hey, um. ‘Scuse me, ma’am. I need to know where someone’s staying. Taako. You know, from… ...um, TV.”

The lady at the front desk is a dark elf who smiles widely at her with no real feeling, and it creeps her out. “You’re far from the first person to need to know, dear. You’ll need to give me a good reason to give you his room number. And you probably couldn’t come up with one, even if you tried.”

“Oh, come the fuck _on,_ ” Lup sighs. “I’m his fucking twin sister. Is that _good enough?_ Look at my fucking face. Look at his. Tell me you don’t see it.”

“I thought there might be a family resemblance there,” the dark elf says. Her accent is British. Lup is determined to hate it. “As it stands, though, he hasn’t let the front desk know any family would be arriving, so there’s not much we can do.”

“Are you fucking _kidding_ me?” She growls. “He _called_ me and he’s a fucking _wreck,_ okay? I’d be surprised if he could even think to dial any fucking numbers. I’m probably just on his Contacts list or something, under ‘unremarkable twin sis.’ _Please_ let me up to see him. This is the last time I’ll ask nicely.”

“Don’t I know the feeling,” the dark elf, whose name is ‘Lydia,’ is trying to make small talk. “Overlooked by your brother and all that.”

“Don’t lie to our _visitors,_ sister,” says another dark elf who appears out of nowhere. His name tag says he’s ‘Edward,’ and Lup doesn’t fucking care. “I’m nothing but kind to you!”

“My mistake,” giggles Lydia.

Lup is seriously out of patience.

It takes some coercion and outright begging, but they finally _do_ let her in on what room he’s staying in, and of course it’s the fanciest digs in the place. She mumbles an insincere thanks and shells out what could’ve been some useful gas and grocery money to tip them handsomely and then gets on the elevator, unable to stomach how fucking pink and purple and ridiculous everything in this place is.

People who walk by seem to notice who she looks like, but most of them are too hungover to say anything, so that’s cool. She doesn’t encounter anyone else on the way there, which is just fine with her, and when she gets to the door she wastes no time.

“Taako, it’s Lup. You still hanging in there, bro?”

“Who’s there?” He slurs from somewhere behind the door.

“It’s your _sister,_ Taaks. You gonna let me in?”

“Oh,” he gasps. “You act’lly came. Yeah, hold on, Lulu.”

She cringes as she hears the sound of him bumping into some various shit and some bottles rolling around, and then it takes him a minute of mumbling to himself to get the door open, but thank god he does it.

When she sees the state of him, she hates this all even worse. He’s got his hat on in an awkward attempt to hide his face, but she can see his makeup is either running or smudged, and she hopes it’s her imagination that he looks a little roughed up but she doubts it. His eyes just aren’t here with her at all, and they remind her too much of how they’d get when they were both kids on their own.

All the anger dissipates for one moment to be replaced by heartbreak.

“Oh, my God,” she gasps. “Taako.”

“Couldn’t clean up, Lulu,” he slurs, “so the place is a _l’il_ bit of a mess, but ‘nks for comin’ all the way out here to see me--”

She wraps him up in the tightest hug she’s given anyone in ages.

He passes out on her immediately, and she has to check that his vital signs are doing okay. He’s still unconscious as she takes a good look around the room to find all his various shit scattered everywhere, broken bottles strewn all over the floor, and his prescription meds all emptied out into the sink.

“Holy fuck,” she murmurs. It’s the most glamorous war zone she’s ever seen. “Taako.”

As soon as she can, she starts packing his bags with essentials while she lets him rest on the bed, and she figures he can come and get more of his shit at some point if he wants it, or pay somebody to pick the rest up. All she’s concerned about is getting him out of here without too much media attention, and as soon as she can she’s lifting him up again and awkwardly trying to walk him out.

“C’mon, Taako. Rise and shine a little.”

“Mm,” he whimpers a little bit, mostly leaning entirely on her. “Lulu?”

“Yup. I’m still here, bro. It’s okay.”

“Where’re we going?”

“Home.”

“Don’t have one,” he sighs against her. “Silly Lup.”

Fuck, that hurts. “You’re gonna now,” she reassures him. “Don’t you worry.”

Downstairs, she fights off a few paparazzi, threatening them with her fists.

The things she’ll do for family.


	2. Chapter 2

When Lup finally gets home, Barry takes one look at Taako and gasps. “Holy  _ fuck. _ ”

His face is serious, though, so he gets to work helping both of the twins immediately by helping carry Taako into the house and letting him crash on the couch. Even gets him a warm blanket and drapes it over him and takes his expensive pink pointy boots off and gingerly removes his hat, all without waking him.

“This should be fine for now,” he says, staring down at Taako thoughtfully, “but later I’ll try to move him into a guest room. Or, uh, I’ll turn something  _ into _ a guest room.”

“Thanks, Barry,” she sighs, and it isn’t until this moment that Lup realizes just how goddamn  _ exhausted _ she is. “You’re one in a million.”

“It’s nothing,” he insists still, moving closer to her. “How are you holding up?”

She sits, stares, thinks about the question and then bursts into gross, ragged, full on sobs complete with too much tears and snot. He’s instantly by her side to comfort her, though, and he holds her so warmly in his arms. “I know, babe, I know. Shh… Let it all out.”

After she’s cried herself senseless, Lup’s back to being exhausted, and she sits in the love seat and rests a little on Barry. “He’s so  _ hurt, _ and he was so high ‘n’ so wasted… ...tried to get rid of all of his pills.”

Barry seems alarmed at this, tensing up a little.

“I salvaged what I can. He says the show’s gone, Sazed’s gone.” Her voice is cracking. “That bastard had the gall to… ...really  _ hurt  _ him.” And in that moment, no matter how tired she is, she feels a blind rage, and a sickening hurt inside of her heart. “He really  _ hurt _ him, Barry. And I wasn’t there to protect him.”

“You tried your best, Lup,” Barry tries to soothe her, but it’s not good enough. “You tried to tell him how you felt about that… ...creep. It’s not like you could’ve just taken him away without his permission.”

Tears are spilling down her cheeks in thick droplets now, one after the other, because the thought of anyone roughing Taako up this way is too much for her to bear. Lup tries to be the strong one, always, but this just isn’t  _ fair. _ “No, but I  _ wanted _ to,” she whispers. “I  _ wanted _ to, and I  _ didn’t, _ and now look at him.”

“I know. I know. Shh.” Barry’s still got his arms around her, warm and comforting and comfortable. “But you know what? You did the right thing by bringin’ ‘im here, Lup. You’re a good sister. You’re lookin’ out for him  _ now, _ and that counts.”

“Does it?”

“Yup. Anyone’d be  _ lucky _ to have a sister like you.”

“You’re too fucking sweet,” she says, feeling drowsy now. They’re both about ready to cuddle in this chair and fall asleep, and she tries to fight it but Barry’s out first, and he’s so warm and comfortable, and she doesn’t want to disturb him, and…

...she falls asleep.

When she wakes up, it’s to the sound of some ragged breathing and coughing. Her ears perk up immediately, and she realizes instantly it’s Taako.  _ Elves don’t get sick, _ he’d insist when they were kids and he gave her the chickenpox.  _ Elves don’t get sick, _ he’d protest through every cold they shared together, and then he’d take care of her when she just wanted to  _ lie down _ because she had a fucking fever. Elves don’t get sick, and yet as Taako coughs himself awake, that’s exactly what he appears to be.

“‘M I  _ dead? _ ” He murmurs, and his voice sounds like hell. “Is this Heaven? Lights’re too--” He breaks out into a cough. “--bright.”

“What makes you so sure you’d go to Heaven?” She’s not sure if she should be teasing him or treading lightly yet, and she’s still a little groggy herself, so she hopes she doesn’t regret it.

“‘cuz I don’t wanna see that bastard in Hell,” he says, flatly. He says it like it’s fact, nowhere near as emotional as he was hours ago, but somehow this makes Lup even more worried, and she stops dicking around pretty much immediately. “Anyway, the hell am I doing in suburbia?”

“I rescued you from your hotel room.” It dawns on her. “You were so hammered ‘n’ high you probably don’t even remember, huh?”

Now he looks embarrassed, even as he’s wheezing something awful. Barry is stirring from his sleep now, too, and he takes one look at Taako and goes off to find some decent cold medicine. “No, look. I don’t need this.” He protests weakly. “Look, it was no big deal, okay?”

“What was no big deal?” She has a bad feeling about this.

“Last night, this morning, whatever it was I said to get you to bring me here. It’s like, no bigs, okay?”

Fuck.

He coughs so horribly he tears up, but she can tell he’s already emotionally detaching himself from the whole situation. “Sazed just pitched a hissy fit ‘n’ left, but I’m sure if I just call ‘im up and apologize--”

“ _ No. _ ” The word is out so fast and furious from her lips even she’s surprised. “You are  _ not _ crawling back to that asshole.”

“Look, you weren’t there. I… I shouldn’t’ve dragged you into our personal business, Lup. That was my bad, and I’m sorry you went all the way to Las fucking Vegas to get me on your heroic sibling quest or whatevs, because I wasn’t thinking clearly--” More coughing fits. “--last night. Things’re fine between me ‘n’ the partner, ‘kay?”

She stares right into his bruised and battered face. “ _ No. _ ”

“Look, it was totally my fault. I mean, you’ll laugh when you hear this.”

She’s not laughing.

“He wanted to change the name from ‘Sizzle it Up with Taako’ to ‘Sizzle it Up with Sazed and Taako,’ and well, the thing was, we already had the show. We already had the t-shirts printed. We already had the cookbooks made. So I… I mean, how dumb is this of me? I tell him no.” As Taako tells this story, his eyes go far away. “So he kind of freaked out, whatever. And y’know, there’s no real business without him so then I freaked out too, and I guess I must’ve called you. But the whole thing was like, totally blown out of proportion. Can be fixed--” He doubles over with coughing. “--easy. Just gotta text the guy.”

“Nope. No phone privileges right now.” What a slimy scumbag. What kind of a person  _ does _ shit like that? To her  _ brother? _

“You can’t just  _ hold _ me here like some sort of prisoner.”

“And you can barely talk right now, holy shit. Barry, where’re those cold meds?”

“On it, babe,” and thank fuck Barry’s back with some NyQuil.

“Did you  _ hear _ me?”

“Barely,” says Lup.

“You can’t  _ do _ this, Lup. I have a life to get back to. Sazed probably already misses me. He  _ misses _ me. He feels sorry, I  _ know _ he does, and--” He sneezes and coughs all at once. “I have to tell him it’s my fault. And then I have to puke, but I… ...will do so in my own--”

“Tupperware,” Barry says, and helpfully hands it over as Taako pukes his guts out merciless.

“Look, Taako. Whatever happened last night has  _ wrecked _ your body, dude. You need to slow down.”

“Bullshit,” he snaps at her, while clutching blankets close to him and shivering. “I’m like, right as rain. I’m totally good. I’m--”

Lup’s as quick as he usually is, pouring a tiny cup of NyQuil and getting over to the couch and shoving it in his face. “Opening your mouth and gulping some of this shit down or else.”

“People  _ need _ me, Lup,” he protests, even as he takes it without thinking. “People  _ need _ me right now, especially Sazed.”

“People can wait. You need to get your shit straight, my dog.”

“No chance of that, Lulu.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Hey, wait a min’,” he’s protesting, his eyes already droopy and unfocused. “When’d I take that licr’ice crap? Why’s it do… ...so fast?”

“‘cuz we’re elves, stupid. So get some rest.”

“But Sazzy… ... _ needs _ me, Loopy Lu.”

“Sounds to me like you’re the one who’s loopy, NyQuil Taako.”

“Tha’s like. The  _ wors’ _ kind of Taako. Zero stars.”

“Yeah, he’s kind of bad at just getting to sleep,” she says. Barry’s had the good sense to leave the room for a second for them to have some quality twins time, and so she goes and perches on the armrest of the couch so she can stroke his hair. Fuck, it’s been  _ forever _ since she’s done that.

“Don’t have  _ time _ f’r this.” He sounds like a whining child. “Mm.”

“Don’t worry about anything for now, okay? Just rest. Talk later.”

“Fuck you,” he says with love. Or contempt. Of the NyQuil-addled variety.

Then, just like that, he’s asleep again.

Lup thinks it might be for the best he’s out for awhile anyways; lord knows he was bound to run himself ragged with all the business and the fame anyway, not to mention juggling the whims of the psycho he was usually attached to at the damn hip. Maybe it really is for the best that this’ll force him to get some good rest before he plunges back into the frenzy of it all.

And I mean, really, she barely gets any opportunities to see her brother. So a few days can’t hurt.

He spends most of those absolutely zonked out on the couch. She keeps offering him meals but he won’t eat, so she hopes that’s just the sickness messing with his stomach a little. She kind of adjusts to seeing him flopped over on the couch and snoring heavily every morning and every night, and tries not to pay too much attention to what he talks about in between.

What he talks about when not completely high on cold meds is always, always Sazed. Sometimes he gets night terrors in the middle of the day, even with that stuff to knock him out, and she has to remind Barry that it’s okay and he’s just dreaming. She has to remind herself, too, when he starts to sob and he’s so sick and she just wants to take him into her arms again. Awake, asleep. Sazed, Sazed.

It’s actually worse when the NyQuil runs out. 

On a particularly bad day, the twins have a particularly bad argument. It starts with Lup desperately trying to get him to eat something,  _ anything, _ please or he’ll starve to death, and ends with her throwing his phone at him in desperate and angry tears.

“You know what, fine! Call Sazed! He might have nearly fucking  _ killed _ you, but at least you ate well there! Here you’ll just starve to fucking  _ death. _ ”

He’s not even listening to her, frantically checking for any texts or missed calls. There aren’t any, and just as it dawns on Lup what a bad fucking move that was and she’s trying to talk him out of it, he dials the number and waits for him to pick up.

He doesn’t, but Taako won’t stop holding the phone to his ear.

“Taako? … Taaks? He’s not going to pick up, Taako.”

He just keeps it there, smiling awfully.

“Taako, I’m… I’m really sorry.” Her voice is thick with tears again. This is happening too often lately. “But he’s not gonna pick up, baby.”

“I--I just need to call him again.”

“Taako, please. He’s not gonna pick up.”

He does try again. And again. And again. And it’s the whole rest of the day, leaving weird and desperate voicemails and watching the phone obsessively for any sign at all, until he finally  _ does _ pick up, and that leaves Taako blank.

“Taaks? Taako? ... Taako, are you okay?”

“I don’t think so, Lup,” he says calmly, as though it’s just occurring to him, and then: “I’m going back to sleep.”

He needs to eat, but she can’t worry about that now. There’s just so much to worry about all at once, and here centered all in the eye of the storm is her twin brother, life and love in ruins. As Lup watches him sleep on that stupid worn red couch again, she vows that she will fix it. She doesn’t know how, she doesn’t know when, but she  _ will _ fix it good.

When she tells Barry this later in bed, he agrees to help.

Project: Fix Taako is officially a go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man idk i just had to stay up and write more?? who knows why. hope it's okay, as usual. thanks for your support, as always.


	3. Chapter 3

Project: Fix Taako is off to a bumpy start.

For one thing, Taako isn’t getting any better. He’s kicked the cold, it seems like, but he shouldn’t still be feeling so hungover. It’s starting to become apparent to Lup that he’s getting headaches beyond that, and at first she’d tell him to take some painkillers, but that hasn’t helped. He’s been so nauseous that he’s still refusing food, which might be making the nausea even worse, and then there is the thing this morning.

He wakes up, takes one look around him, and asks. “Where _am_ I? I don’t feel so good.”

Lup gets that cold twin intuition again and wishes this weren’t happening as she runs over to check on him instantly. “You don’t feel good, Taako? Maybe it’s because you haven’t eaten.”

“You don’t _understand._  I don’t know. Who.. ...what’s happening?”

“Taako?” His eyes are unfocused, and then he doubles over in what she presumes to be pain. “Taako, oh my god. Barry, we need--we need to get help! We need to get _help!!_ ”

She yells sharply, desperately, unable to have any other thoughts beyond _actually, fuck this_ and praying that her brother will be okay. Of course Barry’s there almost instantly, to see what’s going on, and then he tries to speak to her in a calm voice and calm her down, which she hates and she’s _screaming--_ until he mentions Merle.

“Merle Highchurch? The faith healer?”

“Well, he’s a gardener too, but. Yeah. We all go way back, and I think he’s got a better shot at healing your brother than some hospital does.”

“That’s true, he _does_ know a lot of helpful healing spells. And I’ve kind of missed the old guy.” She muses. “But--wait. Do you know how to get in touch with him?”

“‘Course I do, Lup. Merle’s using Facebook now.”

“He’s using Facebook?” She gasps. “ _You_ use Facebook? Nerd.”

“Not the time,” he reminds her.

“Fuck, you’re right. Okay, well, def get in touch with Merle then, ‘cuz something’s wrong with Taako, okay?”

“Got it.”

“It _hurts,_ ” Taako complains. “I don’t understand.”

She’s quick to rush to his side and pet his hair. “I know, Taako. I know, Taaks, but you’re gonna be okay. Merle’s comin’ over.”

He looks at her like he doesn’t understand what that means. He looks to her like the perfect picture of hell, sweating all over, bruised face twisted from a different type of pain, hair unruly and bruises all over. He looks the most unwell she’s ever seen him, and she sobs, but she kisses his forehead. “It’s gonna be okay. I promise. You’re gonna be okay.”

“What?”

“Don’t think too much, just… ...hang in there, Taako.”

“‘m sleepy,” he slurs, and is out like a light.

She sits and waits and cries on Barry as he rubs her shoulders comfortingly, clearly stressed out too. It’s so fucked up how quickly all of this has happened to her fucking normal average everyday life, but that's kind of the way of crisis. One moment you’re lying in bed, snuggling the best husband in the world, and the next minute you’re praying to anything that’ll listen that your brother won’t die. Fucked up.

It feels like hours of this before Merle shows up, but he does, thank god. She rushes to the door and is the first one to invite him in, not wanting to waste any time.

“Oof. _That_ doesn’t look too good. But yeah, I think I know just the spell to cast.”

 _Thank his God._ Lup is silent, watching.

“Let’s see if this’ll do it.” He touches Taako’s forehead and casts Lesser Restoration.

_Lesser Restoration? But that would mean--_

She has no time to finish the thought, because Taako opens his eyes and sits up, still looking confused but much more aware of himself. “What the hell happened today? What the hell have the past few days been? Why do I feel… ...weirdly better? And why’s Merle here?” It doesn't hit him all at once. “Okay. I get it. Caught some nasty bug so you went the Highchurch route.”

_No, because that would mean--_

The entire room is all silent for one second, staring at Taako.

“That’s what happened, right? Right, guys? Why are you all _looking_ at me like that?”

“I… I don’t think I’m the right one to break this kinda news.” At least Merle’s honest.

“Um… ...Taako, no. You… ...that spell wouldn’t have worked if… ...you weren’t poisoned.”

“What, like food poisoning? Alcohol poisoning?” God damn it, this is going to be so painful. For him and for Lup and that’s all she can think, fighting back tears.

“Um… ...no, Taaks.”

“Then what, then? Then--then someone tried to _poison_ me?”

She’s silent, trying to keep a stiff upper lip, but it wobbles.

Realization starts to set in, but he laughs, and Lup worries him for about the millionth time since all this started. “You guys don’t _actually_ think that he--that _Sazed_ would--you don’t think that _he--_ ”

She sees raw pain in his eyes. “No, no, _fuck you,_ no. Sazed would _never_ do that to me. I mean sure, we’ve had our differences, what couple _doesn’t?_ And okay, yeah, if you want me to be honest,” and then she sees the moment he dissociates to get through it, “sometimes when we have our differences he smacks me around a little. Some of those differences involve sex. Okay. I’ll admit it. I’ll admit to it. But if _you think_ for one second that Sazed would do something like this to _me,_ Taako--”

“It’s okay, baby.”

“Shut up. I’m not hurting. I’m not hurt.”

“It’s okay. You’re okay. We’re going to be--”

“ _SHUT UP!!_ ” He screams. _“SHUT THE GODDAMN HELL UP FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, CHAALUPA!!"_

She’s crying now. It makes her feel weak, especially in front of Merle for some reason, but she’s just sobbing, and Barry is holding her close, and she can’t take any of this at all.

But she can tell, from the darkness in Taako’s eyes, that he can take it even less. “Merle, please cast Calm Emotions, because I’m about to flip my shit, I think?” He laughs. “Yeah.”

Merle casts a hesitant glance towards Lup and Barry, and Lup nods. Hell, she’d love that too, but if anyone deserves a moment of calm for a second it’s her brother.

He casts it, and Taako’s eyes are still dark, but not as wracked with pain. “Okay. Thanks.”

“Welcome, Taako. So sorry to hear about--”

“Don’t wanna talk about it, Merle. Sorry I yelled at you, Lup.”

“It’s okay, Taaks,” she says, and her voice is quiet now from all the sobbing. “Don’t even worry about it, okay?”

“Okay, well. That’s good. I guess I’m just going back to sleep, ‘cuz I don’t think it was just all that biz makin’ me exhausted to the max. Think there’s a lot going on and I’d just rather not be conscious so uh. See you.”

She talks to Merle some with Barry for the rest of the day, about the whole fucked up situation. She sobs on both of them and she remembers that Merle is so gentle and good and funny, and she wishes they’d stayed in touch. He’s out helping stuff grow in the desert where it needs to grow, but he has a computer. He has a phone, and they exchange phone numbers, and then they part ways.

When they do, Lup slumps down onto the floor. “That bastard _hurt_ him, and I wanna make him pay.”

Barry’s so gentle and supportive throughout all of this. “I’m sensing something else.”

“Of course you are. I wanna make him pay, but. I can’t put Taako through the stress of legal hell right now, and he’ll just deny up and down that Sazed did it anyway. But I promise you, as soon as I am actually able, I am going to make that motherfucker _pay_ and wish he were _never born._ ”

“I’ll support you in whatever you think is right, babe.”

“I… I…” Her anger dies down, replaced by exhaustion. “I think right now, we just need to take care of Taako. Just for right now.”

“Okay. We can do that, you know that. You can do that.”

“Thank you,” she murmurs into him. They’re both sitting up against the door and cuddling, but whatever.

“Just don’t forget about yourself, okay? I’m right here if you need me.”

“Thanks, Barr.” She snuggles into him.

She must fall asleep right there, because next thing she knows she’s being carried by him into their bedroom and being tucked into bed. She smiles, because it’s such a warm and comforting place to be, between sleeping and waking, with her love at her side.

“I love you so much,” she says.

“Tomorrow might be hard, too, but we’ll face it together, okay?”

“Mmkay. Operation… ...Fix Taako… ...is now…”

She falls asleep before she can finish the words, but she suspects he whispers them in her ear.

“Sleep tight, lovely.”

She doesn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was kind of short i feel like, sorry. next chapter will be better, though! i have some Plans for this fic i swear i do, haha. um... hope you enjoyed it anyway. thanks so much for everyone's support. <3


	4. Chapter 4

There are many things that are unfortunate about this entire situation, but probably one of the  _ most _ unfortunate things right now is Taako’s relationship with food. If he wouldn’t eat before because he was poisoned, he  _ definitely _ won’t eat  _ now _ because he was poisoned, and she watches how weak he is just getting off the couch and shuffling off to the bathroom. That’s pretty much the only thing that gets him moving anymore.

Lup kind of feels like he’s a ghost at this point, a Ghost of His Former Self, and it feels surreal to watch what was once the great Taako from TV get so pale and thin and disheveled in general. Taako cares about his appearance, she knows. He’s very particular with things like that, and she’s never understood it, the way he’d have endless patience for grooming himself and then preening in the mirror. He likes to present himself a certain way, even at his own expense, smiling for the rest of the world and makin’ ‘em laugh. He likes to dazzle them all with presentation.

Family evidently gets to see that stripped away. Not only that, but she and Barry both get to see it stripped away in a matter of  _ days, _ and she almost can’t stop to think about it. If she stops to think about it, she starts to resent herself for ever begrudging him for his fame or his persona. If she stops to think about it, she starts to hate the way she used to need to rant about it. If she ever stops to think about it, she’ll start to cry, because she’s wanted nothing but happiness for her brother and she’s wondering how much of that he’s actually had.

If any of the Taako she knows is in there, she can’t say. The Taako she knew before all this mess would’ve been too prideful to even show himself around her without makeup; this Taako is a husk, pale and frail, getting from point A to point B and back to the couch. Her twin brother’s never been one for openly displaying emotion, but that used to be masked with so much fucking  _ charisma; _ now he looks barely aware of his surroundings. He speaks to her in short sentences; he used to have so much to say.

And it’s getting worse, because he won’t take his medicine.

It’s none of her business what it’s for, so she hasn’t been prying into it or looking too hard at the little pill bottles. She wouldn’t ever judge either way; she’s on Paxil for PTSD and Taako would probably know exactly why, given that they experienced the same fucked up childhood, but she knows he’s especially private and cagey about things like this. That’s also made it a terribly difficult topic to breach, though, and she doesn’t want him to feel like she’s patronizing him or anything like that.

Still, she’s tried.

“You wanna start taking your meds?”

“Nah.”

“Hey, Taaks. Anything in this pill bottle you like, desperately  _ need _ right now?”

“Nope.”

“ _ Please, _ take your medicine. Some people are really worried about you. I don’t wanna name names, but.”

“No, thanks. You don’t have to front with me, though, sis. I know you’re talking about Barry.”

“Guilty as charged,” Barry had interjected that time in his awkward way, waving. Lup’s not above admitting that the joke would’ve been pretty funny if the circumstances weren’t so godawfully fucked.

She knows Taako’s pride is somewhere in there, smothered under a lot of terrible and weird shit like a history of abuse and an attempt on his life, but she just can’t quite access it. If  _ she _ can’t quite access it and that makes her feel frustrated as his twin, then she can’t  _ imagine _ how he must be feeling. Or maybe she can, because  _ they’re twins, _ and every shot at him is a shot at her, too. She’s really not sure, but she knows she misses it. And more than that, she misses feeling him around in general.

He’s in la la land right now pretty much 24/7. She imagines it’s the only way he can probably cope with the magnitude of everything, but every time she looks in his eyes they’re so fucking far away from here, and that hurts too. She reminds him, as gently as possible, to brush his teeth and freshen up. She could’ve joked about stuff like that before this, but his sense of self worth is so low and so fragile she can’t risk fucking with it, so she’s as polite as possible and he nods his head and spends some time in the bathroom before migrating back to the couch to lie there.

He doesn’t even turn on the TV. She can’t blame him.

Maybe some part of her has always felt like she lost her brother a long time ago, if Lup were being honest with herself. Maybe when he went off to sell his soul to that psychopath he calls a partner now and she stayed behind to open her own bakery, it felt like she was losing just a little bit of that closeness they’d always shared despite the differences. But now, she grieves a deeper loss even than that, as she watches him practically waste away in front of her on the couch.

“I gotta find  _ something _ he’ll eat,” she tells Barry while frantically pacing around the kitchen. “There’s gotta be  _ something _ he’ll trust. Like, if  _ I _ make it, it should be a given it’s not poisonous, right?”

“You’d think so, babe.” Barry has been listening so kindly to her lately, and he’s just her fucking rock right now. What a guy. “But we don’t really know what’s going through his head right now, you know? He’s not thinking straight.”

“Well, he’s never gonna do  _ that, _ Barr. He's related to _me._ ” She makes the joke without registering the humor of it; shit like that is so common between the two twins that it doesn’t even occur to her as anything.

He smiles just a little, though. He knows that, and he’s charmed by it.

“I mean, I know what you’re saying, don’t get me wrong,” she continues as she paces, “but like, it’s just so frustrating. Not to even know what to say to get him to… ...open up, y’know? I feel like I’ve always known like, the secret codes. The secret Taako codewords, even if he wouldn’t like, acknowledge that. But this is like--he’s on a whole different  _ planet _ or something, Barry. This is like--”

She keeps interrupting herself, too occupied and frantic. “And like, that doesn’t  _ happen _ with twins, Barry. I mean, I know you don’t get it. Like, you’re not a twin. That’s understandable. But like. I just don’t know what to do.”

“I know, babe. I’m sorry.”

“Me, too.” She sighs, then notices the look on his face. “What’re you thinking about?”

“You caught me, huh?”

“Babe, I can read you like a  _ book _ by now. Spill the beans, Bluejeans.”

He smiles again, but he still looks lost in thought. “I dunno, I was just kinda thinkin’ if there were any alternatives. Like, I know this is probably offensive to a lady who runs the best bakery in town, but food like that might not be the answer with what he’s going through.”

“Huh.” She hasn’t even considered that, but there’s Barry, one-upping her in the Taako Department. You Win This Round, Bluejeans. “I dunno, I guess I haven’t thought about that too much. We’ve always been making our own shit, far back as I can remember. But maybe you’re right. Hmm.”

“Yeah,” he says. “Like, y’know when we’re going grocery shopping, there’re always those--”

“ _ TV dinners. _ ” She can’t help but make a face.

“No,  _ no, _ those--”

“Those little protein drinks and shit? With all the vitamins?”

“Yeah!”

“Hmm. I mean, that’s like,  _ barely _ food. But they do come in a few flavors.” She’s seriously considering this now. Guess that’s just the surreal direction her life is headed in at the moment. “And I mean, the main point is to make sure he doesn’t starve to death, so that’d work out nicely.”

“Exactly.” He looks so proud of himself right now, the dweeb. She could and does kiss him for that, right on the nose.

“Well, it’s worth a shot, I guess.” At least they’re making  _ progress _ now, sort of. Or trying. “Hey, would you mind being the one to go shopping, though? I don’t wanna leave him alone--or like, without me for that long.”

She hasn’t been to work in days. Closed until further notice.

(Thankfully, Barry works from home doing some technobabble bullshit. He's so wicked smart.)

“Sure thing, love,” he promises her.

Unfortunately, it becomes harder for him to keep that promise when the time comes. He lets both of them know he’s going out now for groceries, and she thanks him with her usual hug ‘n’ kiss (and Taako at least thanks him with a slight noise of acknowledgment from the couch), but her ears perk up just before he leaves.

“Hold on a sec, Barry.”

He doesn’t hear anything, but she’s an elf, so her hearing’s gotta be like off the charts better than his. That must be why she can hear it in the first place. At first she dismisses it as some of the neighbors being a little too rowdy, and then she realizes that the sound’s not coming from next door at all, ears perked up and listening intensely.

Nope, elf ears don’t lie. The sounds are coming from right outside the house.

With as much stealth as she can manage, Lup makes her careful way over to a window. She pries a few of the blinds open with careful fingers, catches a glimpse of a light that’s too bright to be anything other than a flash of lightning, and then double-checks. When she does, she shuts the blinds and steps away as quickly as she can manage before she’s noticed.

“ _ Fuck, _ ” she hisses. “They found us.”

“Who found us, hon?” Barry’s making his way over to the window, too. “Ah, shit.”

It’s a fucking media circus outside.

“God fucking  _ damn _ those  _ vultures, _ ” she spits. “I was  _ this  _ close to puttin’ my dukes up Björk style and whooping some major ass in Vegas the other day. Probably would’ve if I weren’t so hellbent on getting outta that place.”

“I’m glad you didn’t, babe.” Barry’s always truthful with her. “Would’ve made things a lot worse, I think.”

He’s right, as usual. Sometimes Barry’s right about things that Lup wishes he weren’t, just this once, especially when it comes to kicking ass. She doesn’t typically think of herself as an overly angry person, but she’ll be the first to admit (mostly to her husband, who listens to her every grievance) that she has a temper as hot as the magic she dabbles in, and he’s usually right that it could land her in trouble. She makes the face she usually reserves for moments like this, petulant and dissatisfied with the world, and crosses her arms.

“You’re right,” she finally sighs. “It would. I just can’t fucking  _ believe _ those slimy pieces of shit don’t know the first thing about privacy or respect during a difficult time.”

“You can’t?” Barry asks, flatly.

“Right again,” she groans, rubbing her temples. “I  _ so _ can. Ugh.”

Why can’t anything be easy for them, just this once? Fuck almighty does her family ever need a win right now. She’ll take  _ anything _ at this point, honestly. She’s begging whatever deity might be listening in to just give her a small victory, anything at all.

“Look, I can just go out there ‘n’--”

Taako interrupts Barry from the couch. “Like hell you’ll face the press, Barry. You’ll freeze up out there. And Lup’s just gonna wind up punchin’ some poor sucker in the face.”

Both of them have to admit he’s pretty on point with this. Both of them also have to admit that they’re surprised to hear so many words from their houseguest, who’s been silent up to this point and still facing away from them on the couch.

“Naw,” he mumbles. “I gotta do it.”

Panic wells up inside Lup’s chest. Sure, it’s impressive that he’s said so much to his  _ family _ just now, but he sounds so… ...not… ... _ there. _ He sounds like a sleepwalker pretty much all the time, tone flat and dreamy all at once. She can’t let him go out there. “Taako,  _ no. _ That’s like sacrificing yourself to the goddamn  _ wolves _ right now.”

He scoffs, waving a dismissive hand. “Puh- _ lease. _ I’ve been handling these jokers for years now, Lulu. I could probs do this shit asleep.” Still won’t turn to look at her, though.

“...Maybe so,” she stammers, “but even then, in your state, I just don’t think it’s a very--”

“ _ Kch, _ whatevs. Listen or don’t listen. All’s I’m sayin’ is gimme a little bit to apply my makeup and I’ll have ‘em eating out of the palm of my hands, like usual. Gotta give the people what they want. They’re hungry and it’s Taako Tuesday, y’know?”

It wigs her out to hear words like that coming from his mouth right now. It’s like they’re puzzle pieces, sure, and maybe even to this puzzle, but he’s trying to fit them in the wrong place. It’s like he’s got the words all right, like he’s trying to mimic what he was a few days ago, but the spark is gone. The tone of his voice--no, the goddamn  _ situation _ doesn’t match the words, and she wonders just how much he’s had to play this role before. A puppet, all glitz ‘n’ glam ‘n’ smoke ‘n’ mirrors, just long enough to stave ‘em off.

She won’t let him go through that right now. She won’t  _ make _ him go through that right now, and he needs a break from that shit. “Okay, well first of all, no. Secondly, it’s a stupid fucking idea in the  _ first _ place, Taaks, because it’s just gonna give them more fodder and a reason to know you’re in here. Twenty-four sev access to Taako From TV whenever the people want that hot goss. You won’t hear the end of it.  _ We _ won’t hear the end of it.”

Taako’s silent again for the moment, and she’s worried she’s blown her chance to actually interact with any semblance of him for a few days. There are certain times you need your sis to be blunt with you, for sure, but he’s also so fragile right now and she doesn’t wanna break him on accident anymore than he has been. She can’t be the one to do that to him.

“She’s right, Taako,” Barry admits after a moment. “I don’t think that’s gonna work.”

“So what,” he spits, suddenly whipping himself upright to face them both. “I just become a goddamn  _ recluse? _ Is this just my  _ life _ now? Is that what both of you  _ want  _ for me?” 

Lup has to brace herself for how vacant and full of  _ hurt _ his eyes are, when he directs any of his energy at her. “Taako, that’s not what we’re saying.”

“Uh, yeah, about that: I call  _ bullshit, _ ” he snaps, and again there’s something about it that’s just  _ off _ somehow, like she’s arguing with something that’s not there. Taako’s mouth is moving, sure, but no one’s home upstairs. “This isn’t exactly  _ surprising, _ Lulu. You’ve always been  _ jealous _ of me.”

Oh, shit, that’s bait, but it’s coming from someone who doesn’t know what they’re doing, so she can’t take it. 

Lup takes a deep breath instead. “Taako, I’d  _ never _ sabotage you. C’mon. Think for a second, Broseph.”

“I  _ am, _ ” he snarls. “I’m thinking about how  _ convenient _ this is for you all of the sudden.”

She can’t get emotional, but even still, she can’t help but be floored by the absurdity of that statement. “ _ What? _ What the hell are you  _ talking _ about, Taako?”

Barry’s tensing up, she can tell. She’s trying her hardest to keep it together and not lose her cool, but the unfortunate thing about being someone’s sibling is that they’ll always know just how to push your buttons, no matter what’s going down. He knows this is hard for her, though, and he keeps trying to shoot her sympathetic glances to keep her grounded.

“ _ Please. _ We all know you just live in my shadow, Lulu. Always have.”

Don’t pay attention to the content of the words, Lup. Look at his face.

“I get some time out of the limelight, then suddenly, wait! You’re not so underwhelming after  _ all. _ You’ve been  _ begging _ for something like this, haven’t you? For a  _ long _ time.”

That is not an ordinary angry brother face. That is the face of someone backed into a corner trying to defend themselves. That is the face of a wounded animal snapping at people who get close. That’s not her brother; that’s the hurt, desperately looking for an outlet. She knows that’s what her therapist would say, too.

“All I want is for you to be  _ happy, _ Taako.” Keep your voice nice and even, Lup.

“Oh, fuck that. This is the best thing in the  _ world _ for you.”

She takes a deep breath. “Taako, dude. This isn’t  _ about _ us. I’m begging you to just… ...consider that, as your sister. You’re not talking about us. Do you know that?”

Lup looks him in the eyes. She watches it register in him, that pain setting in that he has to dissociate from, and she hates it so much. “No,” he tries. “Fuck you, that’s not what I’m even--”

His face twists into something so goddamn vulnerable, she wonders how she can stomach seeing him like this. 

“I mean, it’s not--like--”

“It’s okay, Taako. I know. I just want  _ you  _ to know that.” She’s trying to look at him again, but he’s turning away. “I  _ need _ you to know, right now, that I’m on your side. Okay?”

“I just,” he spits out, “ _ can’t. _ ”

She risks stepping over to the couch, operating solely on instinct for this. “I need you to look at me, Taako. I need you to look at me when I tell you that I’m on your side  _ always. _ That’s what twins are  _ for, _ remember?”

He’s silent, scrunched up. Tense.

“We’ve  _ always _ got each other’s backs,” she reassures him. “Remember? Remember how we used to be all we  _ had? _ Remember when the rest of the world could go fuck itself, as long as we were together? We were going through hell back then, just the two of us. But we were fucking  _ unstoppable. _ ”

She takes another risk and grabs his hand. He flinches at first, which hurts for her to witness, but that gets him to turn to look at her.

“We could get through  _ anything, _ as long as we had each other,” she says, as gently as possible. “I need you to know that hasn’t changed. You don’t need to believe it, but you gotta  _ know _ that’s my stance. I will be  _ there _ for you, okay?”

He’s like a deer in the headlights, but she can tell something’s resonating inside there.

“I  _ am _ there for you. You were alone,” she continues, “for a long time. And that  _ sucks. _ But it’s  _ okay, _ Taako. I’m here now, and I’m not going anywhere, okay?”

When he bursts into horrible, awful, end of the world sobbing, she knows he hasn’t been able to for such a long time. It’s the kind of moment that feels like it might never end, and she takes him in her arms and holds him close to her chest. “That’s okay. You’re safe now. You weren’t, I know, but you’re safe now.”

He sits and cries like that for hours, until he’s worn himself out, and he looks even more dazed when it’s all over. Lup doesn’t mind, though. She just strokes his hair, not letting go for anything, thanking everything that at least she knows where he is  _ right now _ and he’s right here in her arms where she can keep a close eye on him.

“I think I might be hungry,” he finally admits, staring straight ahead.

“Cool. What for?”

“Dunno. Not much. Being poisoned really ruins a guy's appetite."

She’s just stroking his hair, his cheeks. She’s just trying to be the mom neither of them have right then, trying her best to imagine what that might look like. “Could I get you to eat like, a piece of toast and some apple slices? Or something?”

“Yeah,” he croaks as he bursts into more tears.

“You got it.”

“Don’t let go,” he begs her.

“I won’t. Barry’ll go get it, ‘kay?”

“Yeah," he agrees. "Okay."

For the first time in forever, Lup shares a meal with her brother. Barry makes two pieces of toast for Taako and she’s so proud of him for eating both, even if he only eats a scant few of the apple slices. She eats a turkey sandwich and offers him a little bit of the meat, which he ultimately turns down. They sit in silence, but it’s considerably more comfortable, and it’s only then that she realizes it’s dark outside already.

“Hey, thanks for, um,” he murmurs down at his plate, “everything. Sorry I was being such a jerk.”

“Don’t even sweat it, okay? It’s cool.”

“ _ We’re _ cool?”

“You know we are.”

When she says it, she really believes it.

(They’ll worry about groceries tomorrow.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i literally was so dissatisfied with the last chapter that i wrote this one to try to make up for it, lmfao. um. as always, hope it's okay. and as always, thank you so much to everyone for being so kind and even invested in all my little "TAZ" fics. lately i'm writing a ton, so let's hope this continues. i'll update when i can!


	5. Chapter 5, pt. 1

The next day, Taako regains his phone privileges.

Okay, so it’s not so much he regains his phone privileges as he wakes up from a confusing dream about Sazed being _so_ sweet and kind and helpful and waits ‘til Lup’s in the shower and Barry’s busy with work to check his phone.

Lately he’s been stumbling around like some kind of zombie, but he makes a mad dash for that phone that he prob shouldn’t be capable of making, using a combination of socks and swiping skill to grab the thing off the counter and slide back to the couch real quick.

It’s not like he wants to hear from Sazed.

It’s not like he _needs_ to hear from Sazed.

It’s just that, like, it’s been ages since he got to surf the web. Might be wise to stay away from social media entirely, no matter _how_ much he wonders how this entire business has affected his Twitter follower count. That website in particular probably feels such a goddamn _void_ every single day without his brevity and wit, and it would maybe make him sad to think about it if he were capable of feeling anything anymore. He just like, sort of likes to play… ...like, games sometimes that are interesting, and he has a wicked good playlist on Spotify, and like--

Taako feels something like mania bubble up inside him as he sees the text.

It’s from You Know Who.

_To My Brilliant Chef Taako,_

_So sorry about the other night. You know how I can be sometimes. I was just so stressed out and overworked by all this recent buzz, that’s all! Even though it’s wonderful and I couldn’t be happier for you, it’s been a lot. But I’ve sure been missing you around. Everyone’s wondering where you’ve gone, but none of them feel as worried as I do about you. Where are you? Are you safe? Will you ever be able to forgive me? I hope so. My heart aches every day you’re away from me._

_All the Love in the World,_

_Sazed_

It’s from last night, when he was having his first (and hopefully only) sob sesh with Lulu. That shit had been like, a cathartic experience and whatever, but it was also profoundly embarrassing, and it’s a good thing he’s been having trouble with losing time lately ‘cuz he doesn’t want to remember how broken up and vulnerable he got, even with Lup. He won’t tell her that, of course. She wouldn’t understand, always wearing her feelings so close to the cuff you barely gotta roll the sleeves up. He’s different.

It was an embarrassment, last night.

He should have been near his phone instead.

No, wait. Fuck.

The mania becomes high-speed confusion. _Should_ he have? There’s too much going on right now. Best not to analyze it. Best to just type out a quick message, at least. Something straight and to the point.

 _i’m okay.  
_ _might’ve been poisoned, though._

( _By you,_ he wants to add. He doesn’t.)

Sazed answers immediately, and Taako lights up like a Candlenights tree, all hollow and giddy.

_Poisoned? That doesn’t sound okay to me. Now I’m really worried. I need to know you’re safe._

That doesn’t _sound_ like a text someone would send if they were trying to poison you and possibly kill you, _does_ it? His mind bubbles and whirs with the brief freedom and adrenaline he has been given, thinking the sharpest it has since all this fucking chaos started happening around him. He’s smug as he thinks to himself, _ha._ See? Sazed would _never_ fucking poison him. Taako: 1, Everyone Else Who Doesn’t Know Anything About Dick About Jack Fucking Shit Ever: 0. Maybe even -1.

He’s quick to type back.

_babe, don’t worry. it’s cool. didn’t take._

_What a relief! I’m so fucking glad to hear from you, Taako, you have no idea. Just reading your brief texts lightens the burden of the workload you’ve left me._ He cringes when he reads that line -- that’s exactly why he’s gotta get out of this place, and back into the real world where shit makes sense. There’s a brief moment of wondering what world he’s in now, if this isn’t the real world, but it clearly isn’t. This is some fake cage he’s been living in for the past few days, but now he feels so certain he’s gonna make a break for it soon, and Sazed won’t have to do all the work anymore.

 _yikes. supes sorry i left you with all that, darling.  
_ _if i’m being honest, things’ve been… ...kind of weird._

_Weird how? Don’t worry about it, Taako. I can handle things on my own for now. You just focus on you._

See? Sazed’s so considerate, so compassionate. Anything that happened the other night _had_ to be Taako’s fault, and he’s just been given too much time to overthink things. He’d sit to think about what to type next actually, but he doesn’t have that luxury, so _lup’s been keeping my phone_ is what comes out.

_Why’s she doing something like that?_

_she doesn’t want me to talk to you??? idk my man_

_Strange, but try not to be hard on her, love -- you know she’s always been jealous of us._

He doesn’t have time to think about last night. Last night was fake, a hologram, a nothing.

 _well but it’s kind of something else, too_  
_they think_  
_youre the one who poisoned me_

_That’s absurd. Your family is such a toxic influence. You shouldn’t be there, my dear talent. You have such a beautiful and creative spirit, and they’ve always seeked to stifle it. They’re jealous of your gift. But together, you and I know how to bring that gift forth into the world. I’d never poison something so lovely. I’d never do that to you. You know that, don’t you?_

Lup’s out of the shower, shit. He fumbles with the phone a little.

_It makes me sad that you’re not answering. They’ve got you so mixed up right now. I’m so sorry. If you want, though, we can meet to talk things out._

_k can’t talk now though. but later._

He slides back over and places the phone on the counter, then gets a quick glimpse of one last text.

_I love you, Taako. Hope to see you soon._

As he slides back to the couch, Taako’s stomach is all knots and butterflies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so like, i hope it's not too disappointing to anyone that all i wrote today was this lil bit, and i considered posting it w the rest of a full-fledged chapter but... i felt like i should put it separately from Lup's POV in the end so there aren't any weird breaks in my story? still felt important to write. thank you so much, all of you, for your constant support and positive feedback. <3 i can't adequately express how much it means to me, but i do try. i'll have something more substantial up soon!


	6. Chapter 5, pt. 2

Something’s up with Taako.

_ No shit, Lup,  _ she can’t help thinking to herself.  _ Could be the title of your goddamn autobiography right now. _

But really, something’s up with Taako. She knows enough not to expect him to be totally stable right now or anything, especially not after something like last night (Taako doesn’t  _ do  _ stuff like last night, she knows; she hasn’t even brought it up since it happened, for fear it’s too fragile), but his whole vibe just feels different today. She thinks maybe she might be reading too much into it, and maybe the reason he has sort of this jittery energy today is because their moment together meant even more to him than she realized at the time, but… ...mm.

Twins  _ know _ this shit, she’s constantly reminding herself every time something seems off. She hasn’t seen him in  _ years _ up until recently and she can still tell when he’s not acting like himself, and she needs to learn to trust those instincts because they haven’t led her astray. They  _ won’t, _ she knows, because you don’t share an exact womb and birth date with someone for nothing. So today, when she notices the weird and unnatural way Taako springs to life in front of her, she gets a bad feeling.

“Mornin’, Taaks. How’ve you been doing?”

He’s smiling, which shouldn’t be a bad thing. It definitely  _ isn’t, _ in and of itself, but there’s something about it that just seems wrong. Maybe it’s the way that, as always, the eyes don’t match the rest of the face. She’s still pretty sure he’s dissociative more than half the time; she might not even be concerned for anything that’s  _ here _ right now. But that makes it even more of a fragile state to see him in, and she wants to tread lightly with it, like most things involving Taako these days.

“Actually? I’ve been feeling pretty fuckin’ great today!” His fingers are doing little skittery movements across his lap, but he’s sitting upright on the couch today. Maybe  _ too _ upright? A complete mood swing like this is pretty alarming, all things considered, but if he’s acting to keep himself together she can respect that and try to treat that gently. “Yeah, pretty fuckin’  _ stellar, _ y’know what I mean?”

Holy fuck, when did Lup’s life with her twin bro become a game of emotional Jenga? She’s not into it, but what can she do. Can’t pick and choose what’s going on in your own life. Only can try your best to be there, no matter what.

“That’s… ...um,” she tries. “That’s good, I guess.”

He’s kicking his feet out a little on the couch, bouncing a little in place. “Yeah, like I was thinkin’ I might even get all  _ dolled up _ today. You  _ know _ how Taako likes to feel all gussied up ‘n’ fancy.” She doesn’t even have any time to respond before he laughs, something so loud and wild it scares her. “Hey, you know? If I keep improving at this rate, maybe I don’t have to stay here so long, huh?” 

Now he’s hanging upside down on the couch. Yesterday he wouldn’t even move  _ from _ the couch, much less on it.

“Um.” She has to be real delicate here, she knows. This energy is really strange, and Lup knows enough to know that it’s a) some mental illness shit and b) some trauma shit. She knows whatever is lurking beneath all of this sudden change in pace is probably incredibly delicate, and she doesn’t want to hurt him. “I mean, I’m glad you feel so much has changed for you, Taaks. But like, I just wanna make sure you know that you don’t have to act or feel any certain way in this situation. Like, um. It’s okay… ...to  _ not _ be okay.”

“Oh yeah, I know.” She’s studying his face as he tries to handwave her away, even as he’s still hanging upside down and grinning. “You don’t need to lecture me ‘bout that shit anymore, Lulu. I know what you think.”

“Now, hang on a second. Lecture?” She laughs somewhat awkwardly. “I’m not trying to  _ lecture _ you, Taako. I’m just saying--”

“It’s okay to not be okay,” he repeats back to her, then makes an “okay” gesture with his fingers on one hand. “Got’cha.”

“Okay,” she says uncomfortably. “Glad we got that established.”

If you asked her yesterday what she would’ve wanted to see from Taako, it probably would’ve looked at least  _ sort _ of like this; she’d always rather he be happy than lost in the muck and mire of depression, that’s for sure. But she keeps getting the feeling that if she keeps poking and prodding at this thing, he’ll fall to pieces. This isn’t a well-adjusted happiness, and  _ certainly _ not anything that makes her feel comfortable enough to send her brother out into the world on his own, but of course the next question out of his mouth is:

“So, you okay if I blow this popsicle stand or what?”

“What?” Lup tries to keep a straight face, but she’s internally groaning. God  _ damn _ it, Taako. Yesterday was so good. Don’t make her go through this. Don’t put  _ yourself _ through this.

“Well, it’s pretty obvious that I’m okay now, right?” He’s spent so many days sounding flat and monotone, and it’s weird to her that now he’s chirruping like a bird. He sits up and smiles at her, as if to reassure her, but she just sees a vast emptiness in the eyes. “Better than I’ve been in a long time, thinkin’  _ so clear  _ and all. So it’s cool if I get outta here, yeah?”

He doesn’t even give her a chance to respond.

“I mean, not that it hasn’t been a blast… ...being with you and all,” he elaborates. “But I gotta get back to my life sooner or later. Can’t stay here forever! Even you know that.”

The emotional part of her wants to be angry. The emotional part of her wants to say,  _ Forever? You dillhole, it’s only been a few days. Does it kill you that much to be around your own  _ **_family?_ ** _ Don’t be such a jackass. _

That said, the emotional part of her is also like super concerned right now. There are just so many things he’s not considering, and he doesn’t seem to care about any of them. Like, what about the press? How’s he going to address his audience? What about the fact that someone made an attempt on his  _ life?  _ What about the fact that someone’s abused him beyond Lup’s actual comprehension? How’s he going to just step back into the world outside like none of this ever happened?

Why isn’t any of this  _ occurring  _ to him right this second?

“Nobody’s asking you to stay  _ forever, _ Taako.” She’s shifting just a little and biting her tongue. “It’s just that, like… ...I don’t think you should leave just yet. At all.”

He laughs. “Just can’t get enough of me, huh?”

Damn it, Taako. He’s deflecting. Of fucking  _ course _ he is, but it’s making it hard for her to be gentle, and she’s really  _ trying. _ Lup is not what she would call a gentle person at all, but she’s trying so hard to be, even when she’s tired or frustrated or sad. It’s really draining on her lately. “Something like that, I guess.”

“Knew it.” His tone’s nonchalant as he’s getting up from the couch. 

“Yeah, but like, one hundred percent for  _ realsies _ , Taako. You can’t leave yet.”

“Wait a minute.” He turns back around. “Really? You’re  _ serious? _ ”

“Of course I am. Are you?”

“What, serious about leaving this dreary monotonous hellhole you call a home and going back to my own life? Uh, yeah, Lup. I’m pretty serious about that.”

It stings too much when he insults her house. “Taako, how can you even  _ be playing _ this card right now.” She’s exasperated, and it’s starting to show. “I’m not sure it’s even in your deck, dude. Why are you doing this.”

“Is it really  _ that  _ awful that I want to get back to my  _ normal life? _ ”

And Lup can tell he misses it something awful. She  _ knows _ how hard he’s worked to get where he is today, and what’s more than that, she knows what he’s had to overcome to get here. She knows they’ve both been dealt a shitty hand ever since they were born, and she knows it’s taken  _ her _ an incredible amount of strength to rise up out of the pit, so she knows it has for him, too.

She’s not invalidating that.

She couldn’t possibly.

“No,” she admits. “I get it. I get it, Taako, that you want life to go back to what it was, and you don’t want any of this to have happened. But it  _ has. _ And you can’t honestly tell me that you think if you walk out that door all pretty in pink today, that it won’t follow you. This is  _ real life, _ dude. You can’t reset.”

That strikes a chord. She can see it when it does.

“Okay, well,” he stammers, “fuck you for being so presumptuous, A. And B, this is like,  _ exactly _ what he said you’d do. So I shouldn’t even be surprised, I guess.”

Just like that, her eyes narrow. “What  _ who _ said, Taaks?”

He seems to realize he’s said something out of place, but of course he tries to play it cool as he lies through his teeth. “...No one. It’s nothing.”

“Taako,  _ please _ quit trying to bullshit your identical twin for  _ five seconds.  _ You’re my mirror image, guy. I know when you’re lying.”

“I am  _ not, _ ” he has the gall to insist. “It’s--it’s none of your  _ business _ is all, I’m a private  _ guy, _ okay? You don’t need to know about every conversation I have. You’re not my  _ mom. _ ”

“Oh my  _ god, _ Taako. I can’t  _ believe  _ you talked to him again. Even after all that time we spent last night.” She’s rubbing her temples and sighing, now. Irritated? For sure. Too tired to be livid? Probably. “I--I just can’t believe you.”

“Why not? I can make my own decisions.”

“ _ Can _ you?”

“I’m not a  _ child. _ ”

“Then stop  _ acting like one, _ ” she snaps.

It might be fine if she leaves it at that, but she doesn’t. It’s all pouring out of her now, all the anger and hurt and worry that’s built up over the last little while forming into sentences and she can’t stop.

“ _ Stop  _ acting like a lovesick teenager.  _ Stop _ acting like you can’t make a healthy decision without chasing it down with fifty  _ bad _ ones. Stop running around like you’re reckless and  _ no one cares  _ except that asshole.” She knows it’s a mistake, even as she says the words. She knows she shouldn’t, but she’s too fed up to care right this second. “Maybe if you can just grow the hell up, I’ll  _ believe _ you’re not a child. But here’s the honest to god  _ truth, _ Taaks, that no one knows except me:  _ I _ grew up and  _ you didn’t. _ And until you face  _ that, _ no. You can’t fucking leave this house.”

Evidently Lup’s not too tired to be livid, actually.

He recoils, hurt visible. “Oh. So  _ that’s _ how it is.”

She regrets it instantly. “Fuck, listen, Taako--”

“Nah, I’m not interested at this time. Thanks.”

“ _ Taako. _ Wait.”

This time, when he turns to leave, he leaves the room and locks himself in the bathroom.

With him gone, she’s surprised with how quickly she crumples to the floor, hiding her face in her knees and hugging them to her chest. God, she’s so sick of crying like this, but lately it feels like that might never stop.

Barry emerges, of course. “Oof. That sounded like a bad one.”

She doesn’t even acknowledge him at first.

“I don’t know what to do,” she finally says after sitting in silence.

“No, but you’re  _ trying, _ ” he encourages her, kneeling down to her level. “That’s what counts.”

“For how  _ much, _ though, Barry? And for how  _ long? _ ” And yup, there are the tears in her eyes, ready and waiting to spring up again. “How  _ much _ does that count for if he doesn’t trust me? How much does it count for if he’s just gonna go crawling back to that abusive  _ jerk?  _ How can I make anything count if he values the love of some psychopath over the love of his  _ twin? _ What do I do when I have to confront how  _ little  _ that counts?” 

She’s looking in his eyes like she’s searching for an answer, and she doesn’t find one, but they’re the prettiest blue. It helps. He adjusts his glasses because he’s a mega dweeb, and that helps too, just a little. She can tell he’s been bearing the weight of her pain, just like she’s been bearing Taako’s, because his eyes are somber and he seems tired.

Fuck, she feels sorry for ever dumping all this on him. He’s got his own problems, too. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I don’t mean to like, pile all this on you or anything. I swear.”

He sighs, taking her hands into his. “Lup, don’t worry about that. Don’t worry about me, okay?”

“You’ll  _ always _ say that, though,” she sobs. “You’ll  _ never _ want me to worry about you. And I didn’t want you to worry about me, either.” The tears are coming down thick, like she hasn’t been crying for days. “But it’s too late for that, Barry. Shit’s so fucked right now. How can I do anything  _ else? _ ”

“Lup…” He brushes a strand of hair out of her face and wipes some tears away. “I know it is, babe. And the trouble is that I wish I could take it away. I’d do  _ anything _ to be able to take that away from you, but I… ...can’t. And I know I can’t. But y’know what makes me feel better, even though I can’t take it from you?”

“What?”

“I know how strong you are, Lup. I’ve seen it myself so many times.” She’s focusing on the blue in those eyes, the conviction and the passion there that she’s always known is there underneath all of the passive and nerdy shit. It’s that combo that makes them compatible, probably. It’s that combo that makes him Barry. “You and Taako have both been through… ...hell. Hell, I can’t even imagine. But I know better than to wonder if you’re gonna make it through okay, Lup, both of you. ‘cuz you’re still here and trying.”

She can’t look at him anymore, because she’s too busy sobbing. He has her in his arms again, and every time he does, she knows she has one place that isn’t fucked up to high Hell in her life. She knows she’s safe somewhere.

“ _ Both _ of you,” he clarifies. “I know you’re  _ both _ gonna make it through this, ‘cuz you’re the goddamn Taaco twins. And there’s no way Taako doesn’t have that same fightin’ spirit in ‘im, but you gotta give him time. It’s only been a few days, babe.”

“Feels like  _ months, _ ” she sighs. “ _ Years, _ maybe.”

“I know it does, hon. I’m sorry. But I promise one day, this is gonna be a memory.”

“Like a bad dream,” she murmurs.

“Yeah, kinda. ‘cept you get to actually grow from this.”

“Mm,” she says. “Yeah.”

One of the things that Barry’s always understood is the transformative nature of destruction. It’s not something he indulges in very often, and it surprises people who meet him ‘cuz he probably seems like Wonder Bread with a Brooklyn accent (she dragged him this way once and they both thought it was fuckin’  _ hysterical _ ), but the type of magic he likes to study is necromancy. It used to surprise her, too, but it doesn’t anymore, because Barry views things like death different from most people.

Upheaval. Dramatic changes. Some part of their souls both yearned for that and the comfort of suburbia all at once, and then they found each other. She’s reminded of how special that is when he talks about stuff like this. Phoenixes burn themselves down to ash just to be reborn, so the end’s only the beginning for her, too. It gives her hope to have found someone who  _ gets _ that as much as Barry does. And is also cool just chillaxin’ in a low-stress enviro when the time comes.

“I just hope you’re doing okay,” she reiterates. “I know none of us are like, mentally  _ typical _ in this house right now, you know? I don’t want you to feel the strain of that anymore than you gotta.”

“I’m tired, yeah,” he admits after a second. “You know I get awkward sometimes. I don’t always know what to do or say, and I wish I did. But I’m okay, Lup. We’re okay.”

“Yeah,” she says.

It’s easy for both of them to just want to sit like that together as if they’re the only two in the world. They used to do that on the off days, on the days where they had time to just sit in the comfort of one another’s company, but they haven’t gotten to do that since all this started up. But they both know they can’t do it, so Lup is the one to break it up.

“Mmkay, we gotta schedule some mushy time for later,” she tells him as she stands up and dusts herself off a little. “‘cuz right now, we need to check on Taako. ‘S too quiet.”

He’s in agreement, and he even follows her to the door and lingers quietly outside so he can squeeze her hand in support.

She’s nervous after what an argument that was, but Lup composes herself with one deep breath and knocks on the door. “Taaks? You… ...you okay in there?”

“Don’t you fucking check up on me,” he says through the door. He sounds exhausted, though. “I don’t  _ need _ you to.”

“Yeah, well, I… I wanted to.”

“Boy, that’s real  _ mature _ of you. I’m super impressed.”

She sighs. “Taako, I’m  _ sorry, _ okay? Seriously, as soon as I said all that dumb shit, I  _ knew _ it was dumb. I don’t think you’re a child.”

He’s silent before he speaks up again.

“Well, I sure as fuck don’t feel adult, Lup. Not right now.”

“I know. I know this is hard. I haven’t wanted to patronize you, you… ...you gotta believe me. I don’t wanna be your mom. I just wanna be your twin sis.”

“ _ Big _ sis,” he spits out bitterly.

“Yeah, by like a few minutes, Taaks.” She rolls her eyes just a little. Usually they have this argument in reverse. “That’s like, barely anything.”

“Yeah,” he admits.

“Yeah. So like, I dunno, if I ever seem… ...overbearing or whatever. It’s just because I… ...want the best for you, that’s all. And… ...honey, I know how much you don’t want it to be true, and how twisted up you must feel inside. I mean, fuck. I would feel that way too. Anyone would.” She takes another deep breath. “But Sazed’s not the best for you, T. He’s just not, and you deserve way better.”

He’s quiet.

“I just want to see you loved by someone who doesn’t  _ hurt _ you.”

That’s what finally gets him to open the door, and she sees he tried to put makeup on but gave up halfway through. Still looks mostly like a mess, but like a mess who did his best, and she guesses she can respect that.

“That’s cool and all,” he says, “but I don’t think I can be.”

“I wish I could prove to you that you can. Maybe someday I can. But… ...here’s the difference between me and that creep, okay? And you better listen up. Not only am I there for you one hundred percent even when I say fucked up shit, but I admit to it, and I  _ feel _ bad. And you know what? It’s okay if he’s got you hating me or whatever. You’re entitled to your own feelings. I’m still gonna support you.”

“I don’t  _ hate _ you,” he finally mumbles at the floor. “I’m just mad confused.”

“I’m sure you are, man. Things are fuckin’  _ whack _ right now, you know it. But if you just try to stick around here a little longer, maybe we can see them get better together, y’know?”

“Mm.” He’s still emotionally closing himself off. “That’s fair, I guess.”

“Good enough. Just… ...no more contact with Sazed, okay? I… I’m worried about you.”

“He is, too.”

“Yeah, well, he’s a bag of dicks. I’m trying to say… ...like, you should be allowed to have your phone. That’s chill. I just don’t--want you contacting someone who’s trying to hurt you, ‘kay? I’ll trust that if you can shake on it.”

It takes him a minute, but he shakes it.

“Good. Now we gotta deal with this press situation, ‘cuz we gotta go to the store and get some goddamn  _ groceries. _ ”

“Boy, you said it,” sighs Barry. “Also, I uh. I just wanna let you know… I’m there for you too, Taako.”

“Thanks, Barold,” Taako says a little awkwardly. “Means a lot.”

“Ah, no problem. Been a long time since I’ve been called that,” he beams.

“Really? Lup hasn’t been keepin’ up with the nicknames, huh?”

“I’ve been trying my  _ best, _ okay? It’s hard to come up with anything funnier than his full name anyhow.”

“Ouch,” jokes Barry. “Tough but fair.”

Lup clings to little moments like this where they’re all smiling, even if it’s just to avoid the issue of not being able to leave the goddamn house. She’ll work on it, though. There’s gotta be  _ something _ she can do, like with the food (Taako'll eat a few grapes today, at least).

Later at night, while Barry’s sleeping peacefully beside her and she’s tossing and turning like nobody’s business, she stares up at the plaster on the ceiling and starts to formulate a plan. This is  _ sure _ to help them, even if it’s only a little bit, and she’s thrilled she’s thought of it at all during a time like this. She’s put it off, but it’s time to bring out the big guns.

Tomorrow, she'll put an end to this shit.

Tomorrow, she’ll call Lucretia.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, i rly didn't expect to have another chapter up today, but i am telling you what. i can't stop writing this thing?? these Twins need their story told and they are holding my imagination to some pretty weird standards. i promise that, at some point, this AU is going to be more than Twins Having Dramatic Talks in the House. don't worry. thank you as always for supporting me and being so kind. <3 you all mean so much to me.


	7. Chapter 6

Lucretia is very young for someone so accomplished.

Of course, she is far from a good journalist; she’s an _excellent_ one. Pulitzer prizes speak to that effect by now. She started out so timid, clinging to girlish fantasies of becoming a novelist, and then as she grew that interest took a real shape and blossomed into something more. She learned that she didn’t want to just write about her thoughts or her day, and she didn’t want to write about some distant and far off world.

No, the interest that she held had to do with  _ this _ one.

As she matured into more of a woman, she found that being shy and being reserved were two different experiences, and that she could choose which one to be. She would much rather have been the latter than the former, and so that’s how she carries herself now, upright and aloof. Not much breaks through this carefully crafted facade anymore; she’s stared into the face of tragedy all around the globe and had to steel herself against its heartbreak. She’s careful not to form many friends, as she prefers solitude and she has a reputation to maintain.

Not much can break through, but she’s just recently watched her peers start reporting on Taako Taaco, and lately she is gravely concerned for him. She doesn’t dare to visit the site he’s supposedly staying at, Lup and Barry’s house. She fears this is one area in which there is no way she can be as professional as she needs to be. Several times a day she has to go into the bathroom and cry, and she’s contemplating pretending to take up smoking just to get time alone to think outside.

It’s a big deal. Hell,  _ Taako _ is a big deal. He has  _ made _ himself a big deal, as she always knew he would someday. But it’s a big deal to her in a way that it isn’t to her colleagues, couldn’t possibly be. She  _ knew  _ Taako back then. She still cares about him and wonders how he’s doing from time to time, and never gets to see much beyond the glamour in which he intentionally drowns himself. And the recent footage and reports of him looking so unwell, stumbling out of Glamour Springs with his sister by his side, have shaken her quite a bit.

She hopes that he’s okay, but for all of her attempts at overcoming her shyness and refining it to the best of her ability, she can’t bring herself to reach out. She feels too awkward, and it would probably weird for her to just contact them out of nowhere. She would hate to seem intrusive.

So it’s pretty lucky that Lup calls her.

“Hey, hi, um. Is this still Lucretia’s number?”

“Lup?”

“Oh, thank  _ god, _ ” Lup sighs over the phone. “It is. Hi, Lucy. Sorry to contact you out of nowhere.”

“Oh, no,” Lucretia babbles in a manner unbefitting of her and more of an awkward teenage girl. She’s already blushing. “Don’t be  _ sorry, _ Lup. Truth be told, I… I thought about contacting you as well.”

“Holy shit, really? Well, you  _ know _ we’d be down for your company anytime, girl. Door’s always open.”

Immediately, a flush springs to her cheeks and Lucretia feels so young again. She suspects that Lup probably has that effect on most people; there’s a certain youthful energy to her voice even as she contacts Lucretia years later in the midst of a family crisis, and it’s difficult not to find that contagious. “That’s very kind of you, Lup,” she manages. “Thank you.”

“Psh, no prob!”

She can’t let herself be sidetracked, even still. Lucretia knows well enough to sense when there’s trouble accompanying either twin by now even without being a prominent figure in the media, but now she knows for certain something’s up. She must be delicate about this. “Um, Lup,” she begins. “Is there any particular reason you might be--”

“Oh, yeah.” The voice on the other line sounds terribly embarrassed, and it’s almost interesting to Lucretia to see  _ this _ particular side of Lup after so long. The Lup she knew carried herself so confidently, so brashly every which way and it took a very long time of knowing one another for her to own up to things like embarrassment. “I, uh, I gotta ‘fess up -- I didn’t exactly call you to reminisce. Not that it wouldn’t be  _ great _ to do that sometime, Lucy. But um… ...you still working in the news business?”

“Yes, of course.”

“So you’ve… ...um. Heard. About what’s happened with my brother.”

“You could say so, yes,” Lucretia says carefully. She has to be gentle.

“Um… ...well, I was kind of wondering. You’re sort of the gal with the latest scoop on  _ everythin’, _ right? Wherever there’s a juicy scoop, you go, and people follow ‘cuz you nail it every time.”

“Well, I um,” and she’s horribly flattered and blushing all at once. “I suppose one could say so, yes. I try my best, anyway.”

“Cool, so like. ...we can’t get groceries, is the thing.”

“What?”

“We can’t get groceries or leave the house ‘cuz those soul sucking  _ vultures _ who claim to share your profession can’t take a hint, Luce. It’s… ...kind of awful. And I dunno, I felt kind of weird about callin’ you up to ask you this sort of favor, but I was wondering if you could maybe direct attention away from our pad. Tell ‘em Taako’s somewhere else, or something…?”

_ Lie, _ Lucretia’s mind whispers.

Her entire career is founded on her integrity. Planting any sort of falsity in the minds of the people is sure to jeopardize her reputation as such an excellent journalist, and she’s worked so hard to get to where she is today. If it’s discovered that she’s the one who’s lying and leading everyone else on a wild goose chase for Taako, she could very well be ruined. Everything she’s worked for could crumble with one bad lead, one bad story, one misstep.

But they were once her family, and family is more important.

“All right, Lup. I will do what I can.”

“Oh, my god, thanks  _ so much _ Lucy. Seriously, I owe you my fucking  _ life, _ okay? And if you’re ever in a jam, let me ‘n’ Barr know, and we’ll back you the fuck up, okay? No questions asked.” She sounds so relieved she could cry. “Thank you so  _ much,  _ I--I can’t even--ugh.  _ Thank  _ you.”

“No probs.” It’s been awhile since she allowed herself to speak so informally, a habit she’d picked up from the twins long ago. “Listen, I… I know you must be struggling with all this. I… If you’d like, after work, I can stop by. Would you be… ...interested i--”

“Would you  _ really? _ Holy shit, yes. It’d mean the  _ world _ to me, Lu. And Barry’s missed you too!”

No mention of Taako, she notes, but he’s definitely going through  _ something _ right now. “Okay, then. I’ll most certainly drop by. Is there anything in particular you need? Perhaps I can drop some things off in the meantime.”

“Lucretia,” Lup babbles, sounding on the verge of tears. “You are a fuckin’  _ saint. _ Um, is it cool if I text you a list of what we need?”

“Absolutely.” She hasn’t received a text from a friend in years.

“Okay,  _ super _ cool,” Lup breathes. “Thanks, Lu. You’re a fucking life-saver, you know.”

“You’ve been one before too, Lup, you know,” she says quietly. “You deserve this kindness. I need to get to work now, but please don’t hesitate to call next time, all right?”

“Okay. Same goes for you. You better know it.”

She laughs a little. “I’ll try.”

And that’s that.

She gets to work immediately writing up a false report.

It takes a lot of hiding what she’s doing from everyone, and that’s particularly hard since everyone wants to know what kind of information she’s got, but she manages to squirrel herself away into some quiet part of the day to just type. She revises certain sentences for seeming odd or off somehow, deletes whole paragraphs, and hits writer’s block multiple times, but by the time she’s done and she’s published it, even  _ she _ is nearly convinced that there’s irrefutable evidence that Taako, in fact, left his twin sister and her husband’s house.

After a long day’s work, she finally shuts the computer, takes a breath and then heads out to go grocery shopping. It’s a nice distraction from everything else, at least. She takes some time there, but not much, as she can tell that Lup needs her desperately now. She can’t help wondering about them all, so much so she nearly drops an orange to the floor.

As she drives there, she can’t help but feel tremendously nervous. She sits and attempts to steel herself in the car, to gather nerves that she doesn’t quite have. The sun is setting by now. A classical piece that would ordinarily be her favorite is playing, but she can’t quite focus on it.

Enough foolishness. 

Her friends depend on her, and she would do anything for them.

Always.

She takes a deep breath and walks to the door, giving it a slight knock.

It isn’t long at all before Lup opens the door. “ _ Lucy!! _ Oh my god, it’s  _ so good to see you!! _ ” As Lup wraps her in a tight and warm hug she’s certain she’s always remembered, she knows she has indeed made the right choice today to help them. She’s not even worried anymore about what might happen. “Come on in, please! Barr, Taaks! Guess who’s here?”

As she steps in, she goes to wipe her feet on a welcome mat and finds none. She hopes it’s not rude that she can’t help but survey the surroundings as she walks in. They have a fairly spacious kitchen; the floors are all made of hardwood. To her embarrassment, some of her old paintings are still on the walls. It’s difficult to believe that anytime has passed at all, when she sees this side of the house.

“Shall I put the groceries away?”

“Aw. Barry, can you even  _ believe _ how sweet she is?”

“She really is,” Barry confirms sort of awkwardly. “Uh, hi, Lucretia.”

“Hello, you two.” She smiles. “It’s the least I can do.”

They seem so happy together, but this is no surprise to Lucretia, really. From the moment they fell in love, it was always so obvious they’d be together forever. So happy together, but Lup’s energy is a little forced perhaps and Barry looks incredibly weary. She wishes to make this at least a little better, and maybe by doing things like this, she will.

That’s what she hopes.

“Taaks, you wanna say hi to Lucretia?”

There’s no response.

She can’t help but peek over to the living room, and then immediately gets that same sickening feeling that she must steel herself against what she sees. She knows it’s Taako, yes, and he doesn’t seem to be looking as unwell as he has in the footage of him with Lup in that Las Vegas casino, but as his eyes glance over at hers, they look terrifyingly dead.

“Hello, Taako,” she tries softly.

“I’m not telling you anything,” he says outright. “So don’t even try.”

“Taako, don’t be  _ rude, _ okay? Lu’s gone out of her way to help us today. Be nice.”

“You know how she  _ is, _ Lup. Always pokin’ and proddin’ for scoops ‘n’ such. Always noticin’ everything and writin’ it down. Always… ... _ knowing _ things. Well, I don’t wanna tell her  _ shit. _ ”

“You don’t have to tell me anything, Taako.” She’s not hurt. She’s more worried that he might be, actually. But it’s important that she put the groceries away, so she can’t engage too much until she’s done.

“I’m sorry for him,” Lup tries to apologize on his behalf.

“Don’t be,” Taako says. “I’m the asshole.”

“You’re not an asshole, Taako,” she says, still trying to put things in the fridge.

“Hey, Luce, if it’s not too much trouble, could you bring one of those protein things over here?”

She agrees and does that next, then awkwardly hands it to Lup as Lup is the one who asked.

“Thanks, baby,” she trills, and then sets it down in front of Taako with something resembling triumph on her face.

Taako seems less thrilled. “What… ...the hell is this, Lulu.”

“Food. Now drink up, please. You gotta have  _ something _ today.”

“Eh.” He shrugs, a perfect picture of bruised apathy, sinking into the couch. “Maybe tomorrow.”

Lup sighs. “Baby, you gotta eat. I know it’s hard--”

“I  _ will _ tomorrow.”

“Yesterday you had what, a few grapes? Today you’ve had nothing. You must be starving. C’mon, Barry, help me out here.”

To Barry’s credit, he tries very hard. “C’mon, pal. Once this is over with, you won’t have to worry about it again for a little while.”

“Until tomorrow,” Taako mumbles, voice flat. “And then the next day. And the next day. And the day after that. There’s no point.”

“So what, you’re just going to  _ die? _ ”

“Was the plan in the first place, wasn’t it.”

And Lup looks so hurt and so full of anger at seeing her brother this way, Lucretia can hardly stand it. “How can you--how can you--let him  _ win _ like--”

“If it helps,” Lucretia says softly. “I’ve had them. They’re very good. They’re chocolate.”

All of them blink, looking at her as though she’s not following some sort of script.

“I went through a very long period of time when I was too depressed to eat, so I would have these often.” She’s not paying attention to the looks of bewilderment or really anyone else but Taako at the moment, going to sit right by him. For being the youngest in the group, she always had such motherly instincts for everyone. “Maybe we could have one together?”

His eyes are so wild and far away and dead all at the same time as he looks her over. “Are you gonna tell anyone about this?”

“No, Taako. I was directing attention away from you today.”

“Okay then. I’ll… I’ll bite. What’s up with these things?”

Lup and Barry are watching in awe as they sit side by side and drink these Premier protein drinks. Lup finally mouths “thank you” as Barry takes her off somewhere to hopefully get some good rest. She should feel uncomfortable, she knows. She should feel awkward, or afraid, or sad. But she doesn’t.

“Do you like it?”

“It’s not too bad,” he admits. “Um. Thanks, Lu. For gettin’ groceries.”

“It’s no trouble, Taako.”

After they’re finished, he looks somewhat sleepy (although he’s continuously seemed exhausted). “Promise you won’t… ...tell ‘nyone, Lu?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Taako.”

“Okay, then I… ...um. I need to do this, okay? Don’t make it like a huge deal or whatever.” He leans on her, and she can feel all of his sharp and broken angles. He’s like a fragile bird, and that  _ is _ uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable to see all the wounds on his face, to see his face without makeup, to see him so unkempt.

But he leans on her and she lets him just a little. “Okay. Do you wanna talk about anything, Taako?”

“Nope. Just wanna lie here, okay? In quiet.”

They do. After enough time has passed, Taako is clearly asleep. It feels so much like the way things used to be. Peaceful and familiar with someone else, and she’s been under so much stress lately, so though she doesn’t plan on it…

...Lucretia falls asleep right there, by his side, stroking his hair.

She’ll be terribly embarrassed later. For now, she’s comfortable.

For now, they dream together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry this took so long!! i was on a roll for awhile there and then the great combination of life stress + grief + hormones caught up with me. i hope this chapter is like... ...okay? ugh. i really do. on another note, um. it's my birthday today, so hey. uh. yeah. thank you so much for reading as always. <3


	8. Chapter 7, pt. 1

The dreaming together doesn’t last long.

When Lucretia stirs, it’s because Taako is trembling. Her instinct is to ask whether or not everything’s all right, though that might be a stupid question. When he doesn’t respond, she grows concerned.

“Taako?”

His eyes are unfocused and dreamy as he looks right through her, and she knows instantly he’s asleep. He starts to stand up a little, swaying as he does so, but Lucretia would hate for him to hurt himself and she grabs onto his hand, just gently.

He stares into her face, not comprehending, and  _ screams. _

It startles her enough to let go of his hand, and he’s just standing there howling. She tries to remember that though it may seem alarming, this is just another one of his night terrors, and that even way back when she knew him and talked to him on a more frequent basis he suffered from them. Her main concern for now is to keep him out of harm’s way.

Naturally, the screams send both Barry and Lup into the room as well. “Another night terror?”

“I’m afraid so.”

“Sorry. Just wait it out. I know it  _ sounds _ scary, but he’s asleep.”

“I know, I just--”

“Sazed,  _ please, _ ” he yelps, thrashing around. “We can change the name. We can  _ change it!! _ ”

Lup is near tears. “Taako, Taako, shh. Baby. Shh. Calm down.”

“I was so  _ wrong, _ Sazzy,” he murmurs like a scared child, cowering and frail. “I was so, so  _ wrong. _ Please forgive me. Pl--” He screams again, then starts sobbing, curled up on the couch. When he finally settles down, it’s though nothing has happened, and he returns to sleep with a tear-stained face.

Lucretia is relieved he’s settled down.

Lup is crying, being comforted by Barry.

She stares down thoughtfully at the sleeping elf. “That’s who hurt him, isn’t it.”

“ _ Please _ don’t say anything,” Lup begs. 

“I won’t if you don’t wish me to,” Lucretia promises carefully. “But I assure you, I am willing to help in any way possible.”

“For now, staying quiet helps.”

“Okay, then.” She agrees.

Staying quiet instead of reporting and lying to the people.

The things she’ll do for family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok, sorry this is such a short little... thing, but i'm switching POVs after this again and that needs to be its own chapter, so. also, sorry if none of my writing lately is super quality. my grandma died barely a day after my birthday. i'm grieving. it's rly rough right now. kind of one of the reasons for the POV change. need to write from someone else's perspective. i'll be back with more, though.


	9. Chapter 7, pt. 2

When Taako wakes up, he feels barely alive.

But he wakes up with Lucretia. Part of him knows it’s humiliating, it’s awful, and he should want her _off_ of him. Most of him recognizes the comfort, though, enough for it to be tolerable. And there’s this other tiny sliver of Taako, a sliver he wishes didn’t exist, that feels fragile and needs to have her near him.

So when she gets up, he follows her like a ghost into the kitchen. His footsteps are so slight these days, damn. He used to be proud of _something._ He used to be something of which _to_ be proud. He used to, but now his footsteps barely make a sound, just like in the old days with Lulu when he had to learn to sneak.

She totes acknowledges him, but it takes her a few seconds to speak up.

“Good morning, Taako. Would you like breakfast?”

It’s right then and there that he makes up something on the spot. Taako’s best at that, thinking quick on his feet. That’s always what saved his and Lulu’s ass way back when, was how he could weasel his way out of anything and talk his way through bullshit. There may be nothing going on upstairs, but Taako’s _good_ at that, being so pretty on the outside that they don’t notice the hollow on the inside. And he knows exactly what this day needs already.

“Yeah,” he says, “but I’m in the mood to grab a bite to eat somewhere. Wanna come with?”

He can see it on her face, too, the same look Lulu’s been shooting him for the past forever since all this started. The look like he’s lost his marbles, lost his _pizazz;_ sure they mean well, but those looks have a way of wearing a guy down into nothing, making him feel washed up when he’s just beginning kinda thing. She’s probably searching his eyes, his being, for anything to keep her tethered and comfortable and today he’s just not giving her anything but a good time, eyes wild and grin growing.

“Taako,” she says gently, “I’m not sure if--”

“Look, I’m not asking your _permission,_ Lu. I’ll remind you, you’re not my _mom._ But I like you, you know? Enough to invite you. So I’ll ask again: are you in or out?”

Lucretia sighs so heavy. She’s been doing that as far back as he’s known her, sighing like she’s had all these years of experience that as a young human she frankly _hasn’t_ had at all. That tiny sliver aches for that kind of stuff, the sort of familiarity of times _before_ all this shit, and he’s still into it. Evidently, so is she. “I mean, I guess it’s good that you want to eat at all…”

“Fuck _yeah_ it is. And you know your day’ll get a lot cooler if you spend it hangin’ with me. So how about it?”

He delights in the way her eyes are actually considering it, not just _pitying_ him (although maybe there’s some of that too, _gross_ ), and he tries to play it as cool and disaffected as possible as he watches her face obsessively for any tells.

Finally, she caves. “All right. But I think we should invite Lup and Barry, at least.”

He scoffs like she’s being ridiculous. “You wanna invite _those_ jokers?”

“Well, um,” she says awkwardly, “yes. Those very ones. They care a lot about you, you know. Lup’s been worrying herself _sick_ over all this lately, Taako.”

She’s not telling him anything he doesn’t know, as usual. He might play it super cas, ‘cuz that’s how Taako _do,_ but of course he knows that Lup’d do anything for him. Even Barry cares about him, in his own nerdy sorta way, and Taako treasures that just as much as anything else. He knows he’ll have to repay ‘em both for taking him in like this, during a time when he was so wickedly _uncool_ with everything, and he fully intends to treat both of them to a hella nice meal at some point. But not like this, this spur of the moment nonsense.

No, this is just for fun, and they wouldn’t get it.

“Pfft,” he says with a handwave. “ _Trust me,_ I’m not unaware! They’ll get theirs in due time, okay? Taako’s good for it. ‘Sides,  you and I _both_ know they gotta catch up on some extra z’s.”

He _especially_ knows that much is true; he sees the way Lup looks lately, and the way Barold looks beside her. They’re both outright fucking _exhausted,_ and as far away from reality as he might feel cooped up in this place, he feels awful that he’s interrupted both their sleep cycles so much. Most people aren’t like him, so adjusted to jet lag and stints in cities that never quite sleep at all. Suburbia’s made Lulu into a creature of habits and he’s just gone and fucked all that up lately. He wants to make sure she’s getting good sleep, and this is as good an excuse as any.

“Lulu especially,” he murmurs to himself, almost not even thinking about it. “Girl’s so wound up she could be one of them lil wind-up dolls… We gotta let ‘em sleep, Lu.”

Lu pinches the bridge of her nose and sighs some more. He’s used to stuff like that from way back when, charming stunts he ‘n’ his twin sis would pull and drag Barry into, and she’d always get this same exasperated and sorta charmed look on her face. “I _know_ this is a bad idea,” she says, helplessly. “I’ve known you long enough to know when I’m being sold… ... _something._ But I’ll bite, I guess. If only because it’d be foolish to let you go alone.”

He knew he’d get her with a pitch like that. “Hell _yes,_ ” he whispers excitedly. “I always knew you were the _cool_ one, Lu. Magsy always thought it was _him,_ but I always said, ‘You’d be _surprised,_ that Lucretia chick’s _pretty_ baller--’”

“Don’t push your luck,” she says flatly. She’s blushing, though. He can tell.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he says sweetly. “Now hurry up ‘n’ get ready, quiet and quick as you can!”

“What about you?” Stupid question, Lu. He casts Disguise Self right then and there. “Oh. Well, we still need to let them know we’ll be going--”

“ _Natch._ We’ll call ‘em from the car! You in?”

She’s _so_ in.

He waits for her to freshen up, since she got here kinda short notice and all, and it doesn’t hurt to make his new alter ego look a _little_ nice so he does his best to put makeup on a face he doesn’t recognize. Pretty soon, though, they’re _both_ good to go, and he’s just tickled pink about it all, opening the door and using those slight ghost-sneak powers for something good. They both sneak out super quiet, and then he practically flounces over to the driver’s seat before Lu has any say.

“Taako, are you sure you want to drive?” Her voice is a whisper.

His is too. “Uh, hell yes I do, Lu. I’m not _drunk_ or nothin’. And this is _my_ treat, anyway, so just sit back and enjoy, huh?”

She narrows her eyes like she’s trying to figure out if he has any ulterior motives, which is hilarious, because he doesn’t. Eventually, she gets in the passenger’s side, and they’re off.

“This is what _I’m_ talking about!” Taako crows, empty and energized all at once. “Taako ‘n’ Lu back at it again!”

“Were we ever ‘at it’ in the first place?”

He ignores her and tries to get some good tunes going on the car radio, fiddling with it. Nothing really catches his fancy ‘til that new St. Vincent album flares to life in the car, the one with all the catchy synths and lyrics about how being famous is so boring and miserable or whatever. _MASSEDUCTION,_ he thinks? He doesn’t quite know, really, but it’s pink and it’s something even he and Lup can agree on, so whatever. He’s into it.

Lucretia may not be _as_ much; she’s always struck Taako as the type to listen to that boring classical shit Lup can’t get enough of sometimes. It doesn’t matter, though, ‘cuz Taako knows how to convince her to loosen up, and pretty soon she’s smiling quietly at him.

“What’s that look for? Don’t make this weird.”

“I suppose I’m just happy to see you happy, Taako.”

“I _said_ don’t make this weird, Lu. But uh, yeah. Guess it’s… ...pretty okay, huh?”

“Unhinged, undoubtedly,” says Lucretia, and he knows right then just how vulnerable and exposed he actually is. He might try to play her for a sucker, but he knows for a _fact_ she’s not, and she can see through him like the ghost he is. The ghost he’s been. The ghost he’ll keep being, probably. “But yes, so far, okay. Are you going to call them or should I?”

He’s getting lost in the tunes already.

 ****_**OH, HERE I GO**  
_ _a casualty_  
_hangin’ on from_  
the balcony…

“Hm?”

“Barry and Lup, Taako. Are you going to call them, or should I?”

“Oh,” he snaps out of it. “Right. That.” Just like that, he turns the volume all the way down. “No worries, Lu. I got this.”

“Okay,” she says with uncertainty.

“Hey, Barry, just so y’all don’t worry, Lu ‘n’ I went on a drive.”

The voice on the other end is still playing catch up. “On a drive? Taako, where’re you going?”

“Unimportant,” he informs Bluejeans. “Just grabbing a bite! We’ll be back soon, okay? Tell Lup not to blow a gasket or whatever while I’m gone.”

“It, uh, might be too late for that, Taako,” Barry says, and he realizes he can hear his twin in the background.

“Taako, I _swear to God,_ if you’ve roped Lucy into your _bullshit--_ ”

He doesn’t even bat an eyelash. “Tell her to relax. That’s unfair, anyway. I didn’t rope Lu into nothin’. She _wanted_ to come.”

There’s some sort of indiscriminate yelling in the background from his sister, and then Barry trying to serve as the translator. He thinks he can make out the words, “TELL HIM TO BITE MY ENTIRE ASS,” but it’s hard to tell, and Barry gets back to him right quick. “Uh, she says she’d like to talk to you, Taako.”

He sighs. “Okay, fine, if she wants to be that way. Put her on.”

Barry does. “Taako, I can’t _believe_ you, why can’t you just stay out of some bullshit for _five fucking seconds,_ I turn my back for _one second_ and you’re already making a break for it, and poor Lucy’s too nice to call you out on your _shit--_ ”

“Lulu--”

“Nu- _uh, mm-mm-_ **_mm,_ ** ” she spits into the receiver. “You don’t get to call me that right now.”

“Tough but fair,” he concedes. “Lup. Look, you gotta calm down, okay? Take a chill pill. I know you got some.”

“Don’t you _dare_ play that card with me right now--”

“Okay, okay. Bad joke. But seriously, everything’s fine, okay? I just don’t wanna subside on chocolate protein sludge for the rest of my life, so _sue_ me.”

“You had it _once. One time. Last night._ You won’t eat for days and now suddenly you’re _starving?_ Why…” And her voice has calmed down a little at least. “Why didn’t you invite me?”

Okay, fuck. Now he feels bad. “Listen, Lup--”

“Wait a minute. Also, how the fuck do you expect to just waltz into some _restaurant?_ You’re a culinary _sensation,_ asshole.”

“Thank you,” he says cheerfully. “But I’m also a very competent wizard, remember? Disguise Self. Duh.”

“...Oh.”

“I’m not an _idiot,_ Lulu. I’m just trying to de-stress a little, okay? Life hasn’t exactly been great lately for me.” He hates admitting that, but. What can you do.

There’s a long sigh from the other line. “Taako, you _are_ an idiot. Unfortunately, though, you’re _my_ idiot, so… ...so just stay safe, okay?”

“I am, promise. Lu’s with me, Lup. You know she’s more responsible’n _both_ of us combined.”

“That’s true, she is,” Lup admits. Lucretia blushes in the seat next to him. “Okay, well… ...well, at least bring me back something good. I haven’t gotten to eat decent food in like forever either. Maybe I’m sorta jealous.”

“Will do.”

“And um, Taako? You know when I get mad it’s just ‘cuz I care about you, right?”

That exact phrase makes him feel a little spaced out, and he’s finding it hard to focus on much at all suddenly. “Uh. Yeah, Lulu. Yeah, I… I know. I gotta go now, though.”

“Wait. Did I say something wrong? Taako, wait, don’t hang--”

He hangs up. “She says we’re good to go,” he says to Lucretia in the front seat, trying to reassure her even as it’s hard to focus on any road signs or even remember where he is right this second.

“Taako, are you okay?”

The world is falling out from under him. He can’t get Sazed out of his head. _You know when I get mad it’s just because I care about you._ He’s trying to make sure they get off the right exit. He can’t pay attention to the signs. He tries to remember he’s in the car with Lucretia, and not in that hotel room. He’s trying to remember he’s not in a hotel room. He’s trying to remember Sazed isn’t here, he’s trying to--

“Taako?”

He blinks and finds himself parked just outside Glamour Springs.

“How’d we drive that far,” he murmurs.

“You kept telling me you were cool to drive,” Lucretia informs him. “We--we had whole conversations. You don’t remember getting here?”

“No. Uh, my bad, I…” He’s trying to clear his head of any gunk, but it’s all around him here. In the daylight things are quieter at least, but he rests his head in his hands and he feels a little nauseous. “I dunno what happened, I uh… I need to get my bearings for a sec.”

“Totally cool,” Lucretia says calmly next to him. “Take your time, Taako.”

After a minute of silence, he speaks up again. “Um, real sorry for this, Lu, but I think I’ve lost my appetite. You cool with driving us home?”

“Of course I am, Taako.” Her voice is so understanding and soft.

“Uh, cool,” Taako manages. “Thanks, Lu. You’re the best.”

“It’s no problem, really.”

He makes his way to the passenger side and is pretty much quiet for the whole rest of the drive. Music’s off now. He tells Lu a good spot off the strip to get breakfast, and she runs in and gets something to go for Lup ‘n’ Barry, and he turns it all down.

When they finally get closer to home and pull into the driveway, she reveals that she brought those protein things along. They sit in the car in silence for a bit, drinking them together, and Taako may not be feeling much of anything but he knows for one moment he’s okay.

He can trust Lucretia probably with anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...okay, NOW this chapter is a little more at a place i want it to be. brought to you by the very real experience of thinking you are Totally Fine to do things like you normally would and getting overwhelmed and dissociative, haha. um, thank you all still so much for your support. i'm trying to be kind to myself, and knowing that people are understanding if i take my time means a lot. i'll write more when i can or when i want to. love you all.  <3


	10. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw this chapter for a homophobic slur

_ Almost  _ anything.

Taako gets another text mid-evening sometime, and he has to be very careful to check it and feign indifference when he does. He knows that even though Lucretia may not give any visual cues or even  _ consciously _ observe him, she does so without meaning to or realizing. If she’s even in the same room as him, she’ll pick up on tells, little things out of the corner of her eye. So he knows even though she’s currently reading on the couch, looking much more at ease being here than the first few days with those old lady glasses perched on the bridge of her nose, he has to be very careful not to react much at all.

There’s only one person it could be, of course, but he has to hope that  _ she _ doesn’t know that. After all, it’s not as though Taako is unpopular in any way; far from it. He’s actually pretty highly sought, and if he were one for getting a little closer to the occasional person now and then, he might have a wealth of friends. It’s not true, of course, but he might  _ seem _ like such a person, so maybe he can pull this off.

She doesn’t even look up from her book, but in order to make this look convincing, Taako tries to play it cool ‘n’ casual. He doesn’t immediately flinch or go for his phone, which makes it seem like he doesn’t care. Even on a personal level, he likes that, pretending like he couldn’t give an actual  _ shit _ whether or not there’s someone tryin’ to get in touch with him. He waits a few tics, the phone vibrating again a few times before he slips off to the bathroom and softly shuts the door behind him.

Now he can afford a peek at what he already knows is going to be there.

_ Where are you? _

There’s none of the usual politeness or niceties to this one. It’s way too blunt and to the point, and Taako knows his ears are drooping as he takes a deep breath in. No pet names, no nicknames, no acknowledgment of his actual name. He must be upset. It’s either Taako’s fault, or something happened, and even  _ if _ something happened that doesn’t mean it’s not Taako’s fault. He bites his lip harder than he means to, almost drawing blood.

_ hello to you too, hot stuff. _

Maybe he can throw Sazed off with a little harmless flirting.

_ Whatever game this is, I’m not playing. Where are you? _

Nope. The air is thinner here. He takes another gulp of it.

_ who wants to know?  _ He finally manages, fingers starting to shake.  
__  
Oh, I don’t fucking know, Taako. Everyone.  
__ Everyone is clamoring for you, begging for you, and you’ve left them behind.  
_ You’ve left  _ **_me_ ** __ behind to do all your work. Doesn’t that make you feel bad?  
_ Are you that fucking  _ **_selfish?_ ** __ We’ve built so much together. Are you just going to throw it away? Let it die?  
_ Quit fucking with me. I know you’re hiding.  
_ __ I don’t deserve this, Taako. Your fans don’t deserve this.

It takes all of him not to drop the phone as he sinks almost involuntarily to the floor, but he catches it in time with his wicked good elf reflexes. He can’t think his way out of this situation, blood rushing to his ears and face and making him stupid and shameful and huddled up on linoleum tile. Taako always has some zinger lined up, some sassy comeback, for everyone but Sazed. Sazed doesn’t take kindly to it; he’s just learned to turn that part of himself off when they talk, he guesses.

So no, he absolutely does  _ not _ mean anything by what comes next.  _ i was poisoned sazzy _

It’s a weak, feeble excuse and he’s going to be called out on it. He knows he is, to the point where the tears don’t even come when the next texts arrive.

_ A likely fucking story. _

He wants to insist, but he can’t because there’s more:

__ You may have the entire world willing to lap up every single line of bullshit that falls out of your mouth, Taako, but not me. I know what’s behind the mask more than anyone.  
__ I built you, Taako. I built us. I made you what you are.  
__ You can’t just bail on something that’s taken us so long to achieve.  
_ How ungrateful are you? How entitled has fame  _ **_made_ ** _ you?  
_ __ No one will believe you. I don’t believe you.

_ please,  _ he starts to type, but the texts don’t stop.

__ You’re a lazy, selfish, ungrateful faggot,  
__ and a mediocre fuck at best.  
__ I’ve wasted far too much time on you.  
_ And if you won’t stop giving into your bullshit for me,  
_ __ I hope you’ll consider it once you know your career is on the line.

He can’t breathe. Tears are hot and threatening to prickle his line of vision, the phone is a constantly vibrating source of awfulness in his hands, and all of it is welling up in his throat like honey, like peanut butter, sticking there so he can’t get anything out or in. There’s oxygen all around him, but it’s irrelevant; there’s love outside that door for him, but it’s fake. Doesn’t matter. Distracts from overall goals and life plans he’s had for himself. Sazed has  _ always _ been his ticket to stardom, the person who believed in him most, and to be not believed so outright is -- is horrifying, is beyond description, is --

Wow, he’s really fucked up, he’s going to fall to pieces, he’s --

__ Things like this make or break a man’s career, Taako.  
__ You’re talented, I’ll grant you that. You’ve always had such a dramatic flair about you, and you have a passion for cooking unlike anything else I’ve ever seen. And in the right hands, you could be so beautiful.  
_ But you’re rotten, Taako. Cowardly, lazy, and stupid. You’re an idiot to try to throw this away.  
_ _ You may hide from everyone else, but not me. I know who you are. I know what you’ve done. I will not give up on us, on our work, so easily. I will  _ **_not_ ** _ go down in flames just because you’ve decided to be fickle like always. I will  _ **_not_ ** _ have you ruining  _ **_everything._ **

It would be so much easier to think, so much less stressful, if Sazed would send gigantic paragraphs. It might be difficult to focus on those, but at least he’d get some time to breathe, to think outside of the pounding of his own mind and the ringing of his own thoughts. Instead, he sends these barrages of text, one disparaging message after another until Taako is drowning in a sea of words with nothing to keep him afloat.

__ I can see that nothing will be done until I do it myself,  
__ and that all of the responsibility always falls on me.  
__ I realize that you’re too much of a dullard to understand our situation.  
__ So I will lay it out for you in a way that’s convenient and easy to understand.  
__ Either you come back to me and we work things out,  
__ or your entire career and legacy crumbles and burns to the ground.  
_ Those are the only options.  
_ __ Which do you pick?

He’s already typing faster than his mind can keep up with the words.  _ career career career im sorry im so sorry ill come back ill come back i swear we can talk i swear please. _

_ You realize that if you’re lying to me, “Sizzle it Up” will be a fantasy. No one will have any sympathy for Taako from TV, or any recollection of you. I’ll let everyone know what a bad person you were, and what a chore it was to work with you. All of America will hate you and sling slurs at you when you step outside until they forget. Until you’re nothing at all, Taako. This is how it will be if you lie to me. _

Taako can’t respond, shaking too much, but Sazed texts again.

__ Is this understood?  
__ At least commit to something  
_ for once in your life,  
_ __ for Gods’ fucking sake, Taako.

_ i understand, _ he types, choking back tears.  _ i promise i promise i dont want to be hated. help me. _

_ I’ll only help you if you help me. We’re in this together, after all. Deal? _

_ yes. deal. yes _

_ Very good. I know that journalist friend of yours is lying about you, Taako, and so does everyone else. In order for us to work together, you have to stop fibbing to me about where you are and what you’re doing. You have to be willing to communicate with me because that’s what people who love each other do, don’t they? _

_ Respond. Say “yes” or “no.” _

_ yes. _ He isn’t thinking, only typing, and the screen seems so far away. The world does not exist around him.

_ Okay. Then where are you now? _

_ lup’s house,  _ he types right quick.  _ bathroom. _

_ Does anyone know we’re having this conversation? _

_ no no no no no no. no _

_ One “no” would suffice. _

_ sorry _

_ Your failure to comply with the following will result in the assumption that you don’t give a shit whether or not your stardom withers and dies. Before we proceed, is this understood? _

_ yes _

_ Okay. You’ve mentioned before that Lup has your phone. I’m assuming this is no longer true. Even so, you  _ **_know_ ** _ how awfully and horribly jealous she is of you, and how much that clouds her judgment. In order for you to regain what she’s tried to take from you, you’re going to have to make sure she doesn’t know about this. You’re going to have to delete this conversation after it’s over and tell her we haven’t been speaking, so she can’t get in the way of our love and your success. Are you willing? _

He hesitates, nearly. Something breaks through briefly enough that he feels  _ bad, _ kind of. Thinks that, maybe, Lup isn’t trying to get in the way of anything. But another text from Sazed helps him clear his mind, to focus on what’s really important, and he shakes his head and responds with a stiff upper lip.  _ yes. _

_ Good. We have to meet, Taako. I can’t wait any longer. _

He can’t think, only agree.  _ yes. where? _

_ What better place than Glamour Springs, hm? They do miss you around here. I confess that I do as well, deeply. An appearance would be such a good thing to get you back on track, and if you’re too sick of the paparazzi by now then we can always retreat to somewhere more private to talk things over. _

_ okay. private’s better. _ He’s still too ashamed for anyone to see him like this. He’ll have to doll himself up, make himself look glamorous, really put some effort into it. If it feels like work, Taako reasons, then work is what it must be. One never complains about keeping up appearances; one simply does it, in the way one simply breathes or eats or sleeps because it’s necessary for survival. He’s already planning outfits, vaguely, and that takes up most of his thinking power. If he shows up like this, Sazed will have a fit, and the press will swarm him for being sick again.

_ I thought so too,  _ Sazed texts back, and Taako feels relieved that he’s said something good and right.  _ All right. We meet tomorrow evening. Wait until everyone has retired to bed, then come see me. I’ll be in the suite you so rudely left unkempt. We can have your favorite meal and drink at the ready, hm? Does that sound nice? _

_ very,  _ types Taako, and he’s surprised to find his mouth watering. For all of his avoidance of food lately, he’s missed having something halfway decent that isn’t chocolate protein sludge, not to mention he  _ desperately _ needs to get hammered pretty much, like, yesterday. He was feeling uncertain at first for sure, but now he’s all in, panic fading away into nothing and everything settling in his stomach. This feels like the right thing to do. He keeps getting too sidetracked, really, and that’s why he has Sazed. Someone needs to keep him in line. He nearly blew it all.

Thank fuck he’s being given a second chance.

_ thanks, sazzy,  _ he types. This time, his fingers aren’t shaking.  _ i don’t deserve you. _

_ Oh, please. It doesn’t matter, Taako. Somehow I find it in me to love you anyway, you silly stubborn man. _

_ im glad. _

_ You should be. I do so much for you, you know. You’re not easy to love. _

That flush in his cheek is back.  _ i know. _

_ But I like a good challenge. _

Even with everything else going on, Taako can’t help but smile at this.  _ well then, uh, i’ll be sure to  _ **_bring it_ ** _ when i see you tomorrow night, my man. _

_ I don’t doubt it, my brilliance. I love you. _

Taako’s startled out of the conversation when a knock comes at the door, loud and invasive. It starts with, “hey, asshole,” and ends with, “what are you  _ doing _ in there? Some of us need to use the bathroom,” so he can only assume it’s Lup.

“S-Sorry,” he stammers, then clears his throat. “Sorry! I’ll be right out.”

“You  _ jerking off _ in there? Gross!”

“Hey, you’re the one who said it  _ first. _ Don’t blame  _ me  _ if you’re the one thinking about it.”

“Yucka _ roo, _ ” Lup complains from behind the door.

Before Taako turns the phone off for good, he sees one last message.

_ Don’t fuck this up. _

When he finally emerges, Lucretia is so busy staring at her own phone she doesn't notice him.

Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woo, i'm back! kind of. not much to say, just... i so appreciate all of the kind words i've gotten regarding writing and my grandma... and just all of you in general. inspiration struck me, so hopefully it will again, and this is proof that i haven't abandoned writing for this wonderful fandom just because of some real life problems. hugs to all of you, and hope your Candlenights has been going excellently. <3


	11. Chapter 9

Outside, Lucretia is having a conversation that’s not quite dissimilar.

It  _ is _ unlike Taako’s conversation with Sazed in that the person with which she’s conversing is a reasonable man, though. When Davenport texts Lucretia, it does demand her full attention, but not because he’s being particularly harsh or awful or anything of the sort. No, it’s the  _ content _ of the text that grabs her.

_ I’m worried about you,  _ it begins.

_ Might I ask why?  _ She texts back.

_ Well, you’ve been off the grid for a few days, and I get that you’re probably helping Taako and Lup. I don’t blame you. I’d be doing the same thing. But people are starting to figure out your lead was bullshit, Lucretia. I say that in the kindest way possible. You’re  _ **_never_ ** _ wrong like this. I guess all I’m saying is stuff like this can make or break someone’s career, you know? You’re too good to take the fall for this. _

Her breath catches in her throat, just a little.  _ I do what I must for my family. I should hope you feel the same way.  _

_ Fair point. I do. You’re just so gifted, that’s all. I know this has been your dream job. I’m really sorry you got tangled up in this. I couldn’t even handle the basics of that job. We both know that. _

He’s referring to his own breakdown a few years back. That gets her thinking.

_ Davenport, I don’t mean to derail the topic of conversation-- _ her failing career? Something like that-- _ but… ...maybe it would do you  _ **_both_ ** _ some good to come out here. _

He’s living on a boat out on Lake Tahoe.

_ I dunno, Lucretia. It’s just been so long since I’ve seen any of the old gang. I’m not sure they’d appreciate… ...what’s become of me. Since… ...you know, everything. _

_ Davenport, you’ve done extremely well given your circumstances,  _ she says. It sounds false or clinical through text, but if he were here she could properly comfort him.  _ I hope you know that. A job in journalism may have been too much for you to handle, but you’re an excellent captain. Taking up a hobby like that is extremely good for you. You fish, which is impressive to me! I could never do such a thing. You’ve merely become different, is all. But so have we all. Look at Taako. Look at me. So much has changed for all of us. Isn’t it time we tried to find some comfort in that together? _

Taako comes out of the bathroom. She barely notices, waiting for his reply.

_ I suppose you’re right about that, Lucretia. I’ll think about a visit. _

_ Please do.  _ Lucretia sends back.  _ I feel your presence is required. And we’d all love to see you. _

He’ll think about it.  
  


* * *

 

Taako spends all day distracted, but nobody notices. He’s frightfully good, it turns out, at not really being  _ there _ but carrying on like usual. He can’t even remember the conversations he has with Lucretia, Lup, or Barry; he only knows that they were had, and evidently not suspicious enough to result in too many dramatics (that he can remember, anyway).

The whole day zips by this way, dissociating his way through time and space, so he blinks and it’s past midnight. Everyone’s gone to bed, including Lucretia, who’s staying in the actual guest room (Taako insisted on staying on the couch for some reason). Suddenly, all his senses snap into place. Suddenly, he feels more alive than ever. He leaves the house and pulls out of the driveway as quiet as can be.

He… ...dissociates again? Why would he dissociate? This is going to be a good thing.

But he’s at Glamour Springs now already. People are surprised to see him around but they also look uncomfortable. No one asks questions. He’s the one who asks questions as he approaches the counter, says that his usual suite is booked and Sazed’s there and if he could please have a room key, darling. The drow hands it over with no effort. He knows people are staring, and he  _ hopes _ so because somewhere in that haze he put together a hell of an ensemble. He wants to look his  _ best _ meeting his man tonight.

He’s very nervous to confront him.

He shouldn’t be. Sazed only wants what’s best for him.

He enters the room and finds it all decked out. Rose petals cover the bed, which is so unbelievably romantic Taako could  _ gag, _ and it’s just like Sazed, really. His favorite meal is there, from his favorite Mexican place on the strip, and a margarita the size of his goddamn head is there, along with some rosé wine. When Sazed comes out of the bathroom, Taako beams at him. He’s caught Sazed on a good day.

“You did all this for  _ me, _ hot stuff?”

“Of course I did, my lovely talent. And there are rose sea salts for your bubble bath if you’d like.” It’s been so long since he’s heard Sazed’s voice in real time saying it just like this. “I’ve been so excited to see you! I’ve missed you so, so much. I’m so glad you made the right decision. I have to apologize for my behavior on the phone yesterday, though, but I had to get you to see sense.”

“Totes understand, my dude, no hard feelings,” he says, digging into his tacos. “Water under the bridge.” He can’t even remember what he was so nervous for.

“I thought as much. I know things must’ve been difficult for you at home--”

“Holy  _ fuck, _ Sazzy, I haven’t had these tacos in FOREVER. And this margarita’s pretty top notch, too.” He’s drinking all of it incredibly fast. He already feels so pleasantly tipsy, and in the haze Sazed looks so  _ beautiful. _ Usually, he complains when Taako wants tacos,  _ again, _ but he’s letting Taako enjoy those. He thinks those huge margaritas they serve there turn Taako into a public embarrassment, but they’re in private. He thinks rosé is shitty, shitty wine, but he got a bottle just for Taako. It’s lovely. He’s lovely, it’s--

\--he’s saying all this out loud already. “Whoopsie,” he apologizes. “I might be a lil bit--b’zzed. Wait a secon’, I wanna snuggle you.” He tries to move over but he’s too clumsy. “Oh--oh, Sazzy, I’m  _ drunk. _ I’m so sorry, please don’t get mad--”

“I’m not mad, darling,” he reassures him with a pat on the head. “I’m just glad we get to meet again.”

“Oh, me too,” says Taako, feeling sleepy and content. When Sazed insists that he have some of the wine also, he’s hesitant, but Sazed’s right that he should treat himself, of course. Sazed’s always right, and so he pours a hefty glass of wine and drinks that and the margarita nearly simultaneously. He’s getting  _ so _ sloppy drunk he’s almost dizzy, the room swaying a little.

“Sazzy,” he says, “I love--”

“Taako,” Sazed says, “you love me, don’t you?”

“Oh, yes, Sazzy. Of--of  _ course _ I do. I love y’so much. Sooo important to me. The light of my--” He’s crying now, but it’s just so much  _ emotion. _ “The light of my--life.”

“Yes. And since you love me so much, you’d be willing to do anything for me, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, PFFSH, Sazzy, that’s OBVS,” he giggles. 

“Would you be okay if I just ran the business from now on?”

“Absolutely,” he's saying, not in control of his own words. Something is wrong? Sazed is so pretty and wise and right. “Y’can do it ‘cuz you got more sense.”

“After you die, I can tell people it was your dying wish for me to take over, right?”

“Hmm?” Sazed is saying a lot of things with that pretty little mouth of his.

“Let’s say I were going to kill you tonight. What would you think of that?”

“Y’know best, homeskillet.” What a silly thing to say.

“Good. Very good. Because you’ve been poisoned, and this time it’ll take.”

“Okay,” Taako giggles, so drunk. So maybe something else. He can’t stop to care. “I love you so much.”

“I fucking  _ hate _ you, Taako.”

“That’s so wise,” he babbles.

“Yes,” Sazed says, “it is.”

 

* * *

 

Lup wakes up around 2 AM. Some bad feeling shakes her awake and then she can’t get back to sleep, apologizing to Barry and coaxing him back into slumber. She rises and decides the only way to soothe her would be to check on Taako. He’s not on the couch.

He’s not out with Lucretia; she’s in her guest room, and when Lup checks on her she’s instantly awake.

Taako’s gone.

They both know where he’s gone.

“Godfucking _ damn _ it,” Lup curses, close to tears as she grabs her jacket and all the usuals. “Guess I gotta go get ‘im.”

“I’ll come with you,” offers Lucretia, because she’s a fucking angel sent from the stars above with a killer bod and sense of style. 

“Thanks, Lu,” she nearly cries out of relief. “I really need someone like you around right now. Can you drive?”

“Of course I can, Lup.”

She does, and Lup feels like hell the whole time. She leaves a voicemail for Barry, teary-eyed and disorganized, telling him where they’ve gone and she’ll be back home, hopefully with Taako. Lup listens to some calming Fleetwood Mac nonsense as they drive, quiet and trying not to lose it.

She suspects Lucretia is trying not to do the same thing.

When they finally arrive, Lup avoids the front desk entirely and goes straight to the elevator with Lucretia, silent and filled with dread and anger the whole time. She still resents the goddamn color scheme.

She finds the room easily and doesn’t even bother to knock on the door.

She busts it down.

She busts it down and finds Taako barely conscious, barely breathing, and Sazed just sitting there. He freezes when he sees her.

“ **_THIS ENDS NOW._ ** ” She shoots a fucking magic missile at him, which isn’t enough to kill him, but certainly makes the whole place look a mess. “ **_YOU ARE NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER GOING TO MESS WITH MY BROTHER EVER. AGAIN._ ** ”

He’s conscious, terrified, begging. “Please, don’t kill me. It’s--It’s not what it--I mean, it looks bad but please don’t kill me,  _ please _ don’t--”

“ **_DO YOU HAVE AN ANTIDOTE?_ ** ”

“No--”

“ **_THEN YOU’RE USELESS._ ** ”

“Oh, God,  _ please _ don’t kill me, please don’t kill me, please don’t--”

“ **_CALL THE POLICE AND CONFESS. NOW._ ** ”

“Lup, be reasonable--”

She turns to look at him with only fire in her eyes, and he shuts up.

She makes sure he does that, then gets Taako out of there right quick.

“Hi Loopy Lu, I’m sorry--”

“Look, Taako. It’s not your fault. It’s not  _ ever _ your fault. But that man is never going to bother you ever, ever again. Or hurt you ever ever again. Or trick you ever ever again. I love you. Just hang in there.”

“I feel sick,” he croaks.

“I know, baby. It’s gonna be okay.”

Downstairs, Lup shows the middle finger to everyone who so much as looks at them as she carries him out, effortlessly, in her arms. When she gets to the parking lot, she buckles Taako in the front seat and then tells Lucretia that they’ve got to get to Merle’s,  _ stat. _

“Do you know where that is?”

“Of course I do. He’s on Facebook.”

“Why does everyone I know use Facebook?”

And they’re off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welp, i guess i finally... updated this thing. hope it's decent. sighs thank you for always caring. <3


	12. Chapter 10

Lup remembers the drive to Merle’s only in the holding of hands. She’s clinging to Taako’s hand from the backseat and she won’t let go, stroking his arm softly when he starts to shiver or complain. He’s not looking good, she knows, but she can’t think about that. All she can really think about is trying to soothe him.

“Bad,” he manages. “Feel… ...bad? Sleepy.”

“I know, Taako,” she says in her gentlest voice. “I know this all sucks so hard right now, but you just have to hang in there until we get to Merle’s, okay? Can you do that for me, T?”

“Um,” he shivers, eyes rolling back, head lolling. “Um.”

She squeezes his hand. “You _can._ I know you can, okay?”

“Okay. What’s going on?” He asks her for probably the tenth time. “‘m so tired.”

“I know.” She doesn’t mind reassuring him, no matter how many times she has to. She’s not wearing a seatbelt, just so she can reach over and pet his hair. It’s not the safest thing in the world, but fuck it; Lucretia would never get into any kind of wreck if she could help it, so if there’s anytime to do it, it’s with her at the wheel. She hums little nothings into his ear, anything she can think of to comfort him and herself, and she doesn’t mind as long as he’s talking. His breathing isn’t great, he keeps fluttering in and out of consciousness, but he’s _here_ and _alive_ and she’s trying to keep that going. “I know you are, but you’re doing so good, okay? You’re so good, Taako, and I love you so much.”

“What? Um.”

“Stay with me, baby.” She tenses up, squeezing his hand. “Just a little longer ‘til we can fix you up.”

“What?” He asks again, looking profoundly out of it. He coughs. “‘Zat you, Lulu?”

Tears are rolling down her cheeks now, but she doesn’t goddamn care. “Yup, Taaks, that’s me. That’s me, baby. I’m right here and I’m not going anywhere, so you can’t either, okay?”

“Don’t feel good,” he says again. “Sleepy.”

“I know, I know,” she reassures him again. “I know. You can have all the rest you want if you just try to hang in there, okay?”

“Love you,” he says to nothing in particular.

“I love you too, Taako, so much.” She feels his body go limp, she watches his eyes close, and she’s trying frantically to whisper to him and keep him hanging in there, doing anything she can just to keep him awake with her, even if he’s not lucid.

It’s not enough this time.

Lup is holding his hand when he dies.

She _screams._

 

* * *

 

“Uh, what the _fuck,_ ” Taako says eloquently as he stares down at his own body. “Guess I finally had a night that was a little too wild, huh? Shit. _Fuck._ Wonder what happened.”

He can’t remember the circumstances that led to it at all, but he can’t say he’s overly surprised. Maybe he’s a little _pissed,_ but that’s what suddenly being confronted with your own corpse will do to a man. Right when shit was getting _good,_ he thinks. Right when he was really coming into his own with the Glamour Springs deal and the cookbook and Sazed--

\--he gets the most awful taste in his mouth and doubles over.

 _Sazed?_ Taako’s scared and confused and now he’s in pain, pain that he doesn’t exactly _feel_ because he’s a goddamn spirit or whatever. It’s something he’s never experienced before, though, to be sure, and suddenly he’s fumbling around in the darkness and reaching out for _someone, anyone_ who can help him.

He finds a hand.

“Sazed?” He chokes.

“No,” says… ...something. Someone. He can’t see, he can’t breathe, he can’t hear. He feels paralyzed except for the touch, and it’s starting to dawn on him that this isn’t at all what he ever pictured anything resembling death to be. He tries to kick, he tries to _scream,_ but he has nothing except the hand in front of him.

“What _is_ this bullshit? Fuck this, I--it hurts. Fuck this, it--it _hurts._ ” He can’t even think beyond it now, dropping to his knees only that makes no sense because he’s dropping against _nothing._ He’s nowhere, he shouldn’t--feel like this, it shouldn’t--feel like this. He tries to let go of the hand, but a body catches him, and that same grip is on him again, trying to pull him along.

But he can’t _move._ It _hurts_ beyond his actual comprehension and he can’t move, he can’t breathe, he can’t see, he can’t--can he even speak? Can he even do _anything?_ What the fuck is this kind of suffering? His stomach burns. He doesn’t have a stomach. Why doesn’t he have a stomach? He’s in so much _pain._

“I know,” the voice says. “I know you are. I’m… ...I’m sorry about that. Trust that that’s not my doing, though. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not--well, I’m not a _sadist,_ y’know? And as long as you follow me peacefully, we’ll be--we’ll be okay, the two of us, I think.”

“ _Fuck_ you,” Taako can’t help but croak out. He coughs up his own blood.

“Ah,” says the voice awkwardly. “Well, see, I don’t mind that so much ‘cuz it’s far from the first time I’ve heard that, but I’m trying to make this… ...I mean, we don’t have to do it the hard way. People don’t realize that a lot when it comes to death, actually, that I don’t want this to be difficult--”

“ _Fuck_ you,” he hisses again, deliberately not moving along.

The voice sighs. “Taako, please. It doesn’t have to _be_ like--”

He takes a feeble swing in the direction of the voice, still crumpled up against nothing and feeling so much pain he can’t possibly think around it. “ _Fuck_ you, _fuck_ you, _fuck_ you. I’m not following _shit._ ”

There’s silence on the other end, for just a moment.

Taako wonders if whatever he’s cursed at has gone away. He realizes that would mean he’s suffering through this pain and darkness and utter lack of anything completely alone, and it doesn’t make him feel any better. It doesn’t make him feel any worse, though, as he folds in on himself and thinks that hey, maybe this is it, maybe this is the afterlife. That’s what you get, Taako, for drinking or overdosing or whatever it was that caused this pain.

He retches. He’s wretched. He--oh god, he--

“It’s the pain, innit?” says the voice in the worst Cockney accent he’s ever heard in his entire life. “I’m so sorry about that, but it appears you have some unfinished business ‘n’ you’ve blocked some stuff out. Not uncommon. Happens with traumatic deaths. I’ll wait with you.”

“...Traumatic?”

“Mm. See, you’re confused, aren’t you, love… That’s understandable. Happens more than you’d think.”

“I had a-- _traumatic_ death?” He’s trying to steady himself as he coughs.

“I’d say so, yes. But I think it’s best if you figure out how you died yourself. I um, would _hate_ to be the bearer of bad news ‘n’ all.”

He’s still on his hands and knees. “Poison.”

“You’re getting warmer. That’s the trick!”

“By… ...someone. By… ...crazed fan?”

Nope--the pain is sharper in his gut than ever, and he would scream if he had any mouth capable of it.

“By… ...eugh… ...someone I know.”

Pain easing.

“...Sazed.”

The pain eases, but Taako feels like he could drop to the floor. He feels fine now, but he wishes he didn’t. He grabs the hand in front of him and hides his tears--he shouldn’t even be _crying,_ he’s a spirit--and keeps moving forward in the darkness.

“Does it make you feel better to hold my hand?”

“I guess,” he says, numbly.

“Do you want to talk about it, Taako?”

“Not really. What’s your name?”

“My name’s Kravitz. It’s, er, nice to meet you, I guess.”

He smiles weakly. “Wish I could say the same, haha. Bet you don’t get that one a lot, though, huh?”

Kravitz laughs, and it’s a soft laugh. It’s a nice laugh. “Not particularly often, no. Sorry about your whole, well--” Taako can see he’s trying to be delicate, and it’s so ridiculous _he_ nearly starts laughing too, but he restrains himself. “--situation.”

“Me, too,” he says bluntly. “Me fucking too. My twin sister just came back into my life to help me recover from that asshole and she’s going to be fucking _devastated._ My brother-in-law is gonna be _wrecked_ to high hell. My--my family--” Lucretia’s face flashes through his mind. “--they’ll be so fucking… ... _bummed._ ”

He stops moving, and sits and curls up. He’s trying not to cry, not in front of some dude he barely even knows. Not in front of the fucking Grim Reaper he won’t cry. He won’t cry. He won’t. “It was my fault, Kravitz,” he confesses, voice breaking.

“Did you wrong this man--Sazed--in any way?”

“I--I don’t know. But I went to see him anyway. I wanted so badly to believe he loved me. And he… ...he didn’t, Kravitz. I _let_ him fuck me, I let him beat me, and then I let him kill me. My poor fucking family. It’s not--” Shit, is he crying?

Fuck.

“It’s not _fair,_ ” he cries, curling up into a ball. “I was so _stupid._ ”

Kravitz watches him carefully. “I don’t think it’s stupid to want love.”

He looks up at him, this stranger he’s never met, and raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, uh, granted,” he stammers, “I don’t know much about the subject, being a Reaper and all. But it’s not stupid to want love, I think. Even I receive it from my Queen.”

“You into girls? I wouldn’t’ve guessed that.”

Oh, he’s _flustered_ this guy, he watches him blush and then the blush melts away into bone. “N-No, it’s not _like_ that,” he stammers, “I love my Queen as… ...as a mother.”

“Oh, okay. ‘cuz I was gonna say, you don’t exactly seem the straight type.”

“Oh, no, of course not, blimey or what have you,” he blathers in that stupid accent.

“You know, you dropped the accent a second ago when you told me that love bit. You don’t have to do it anymore.”

“ _Thank_ you,” Kravitz sighs. “It’s a bit of a work habit and it’s so exhausting to keep up.”

“You got any others?” He’s still close to tears, and he must look _pathetic_  because then the Reaper busts out his repertoire. He’s got a Dracula accent that leaves Taako in stitches, in particular, tears streaming down his face as he giggles. “Boy howdy,” he says, “aren’t you a dork!”

“Oh, well, sorry. I was trying to be helpful.”

“No, I… I liked it.” He wipes some tears away, composes himself. “Look, I know I have to follow you back wherever we go, but--”

Kravitz has been thinking. “No, you don’t.”

“What?”

“Taako, I… I really shouldn’t do this. But I like you. And your story is so terribly sad. And I--well, I want you to find a love that doesn’t do this to you, okay? Can you promise me you won’t ever go back to this _terrible man_ if I give you a second chance?”

“Really?” He’s awestruck, gasping so genuinely. “You’d… ...do that for me?”

“Yes,” the Reaper says definitively, awkwardly wringing his hands. Taako finds it funny. “Yes, but I’m not supposed to, so we’d better hurry and get you back to your body. It’ll feel… ...different when you get back, I’m sure you understand he drugged you as well as poisoned you--”

“That _miserable_ fucker--”

“But you won’t be in pain anymore, I don’t think. You shouldn’t be. That cleric of yours seems pretty good. Um, well, despite everything it’s been really great meeting you.”

“Y’know what?” He smiles an actual genuine smile. “It was good meeting you, _too,_ Krav.”

“Goodbye, Taako.”

“Later, ‘gator.”

“What?”

“Just put me back in my body, Krav.”

“Oh, right. Bye.”

 

* * *

 

She brings a corpse into Merle’s house. She doesn’t know what else to do. She’s numb as she carries him in with the help of Lucretia and lays him down on the couch. Lup apologizes thoroughly to Merle for just coming over here and dumping her dead twin brother on his furniture, but it’s been kind of a weird day, and he hugs her warmly as she cries.

It’s not long after this that Taako starts breathing again.

“It’s a fuckin’ _miracle,_ ” Lup gasps, rushing over to his side. “Taako, _baby,_ you’re alive. Merle, get over here, _please._ ”

He casts the same spell as before.

The poison is gone, but Taako still seems heavily drugged. There’s nothing Merle can do for that, though, so they probably have to ride it out. She’s sobbing and there’s no one in the world but her and her twin brother, no one that matters at that moment at all.

“I feel _really_ weird,” he says, dreamily.

“It’s okay, baby. You’re safe.”

“I’m safe,” he echoes her, just looking pretty high and out of it. It’s probably for the best that he is right now, just because everything that’s happening is a little heavy and Lup wants him to get any break from it, psychologically, that he can. “Who’re you…??”

“I’m Lulu, baby. It’s Lulu, your twin.”

“Oh,” he sighs, “I _love_ you, Lup. You’re such… ...a good… ...sister.” He starts crying, poor thing. He’s probably not even aware that he’s crying or what he’s crying about, and she just soothes him. “You are _sooooo_ important to me, and to everyone, because you’re so good, ‘n’ that’s what I told him.”

“Told who, baby?” He’s so out of it he’s probably hallucinating or something. She pets his hair so soft.

“The Grim Reaper,” he sighs. A smile a mile wide is on his face, eyes barely comprehending anything at all. “He was so _hot._ ”

Okay, yup, very very high, and drugs like that last for a while in elves, so this should be fun.

But she just thanks everything he’s alive, not letting go of him for a minute, petting his hair and whispering to him and holding him so close and safe and nothing else matters in the whole world.

Nothing matters as long as her brother is alive and safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've been so excited about this chapter so i hope it's, like, okay. <3;; hooray!! thank you for reading and supporting me, always, you guys. you're so kind.


	13. Chapter 11

It’s been several hours now since they started crashing at Merle’s place.

Lup and Taako have been in their own twin bubble nearly all day. Lup won’t leave his side, clinging to him constantly, and poor Taako is so out of it he just lets her stay there. Some of it’s maybe started to fade a little from his system though because he _insists_ upon sitting at the table with Lucretia and Merle, even though he’s not quite sure who any of them are.

“You sure, baby? You can just rest here if you--”

“No, no,” he says dreamily, almost swaying to music no one else can hear. “They seem like such _lovely_ people… I… I wanna see ‘em.”

“Okay, Taako,” Lup finally agrees. “But you don’t try wandering off without me, okay?”

“Who’re you? Oh, Lup,” he mumbles. The realization comes a little quicker this time, and he giggles. “I almost forgot that…”

“Mhm, you’re a little high right now, babe,” she explains to him for probably the trillionth time today, easily supporting his body weight. He lulls his head onto her shoulder a little, smiling a dopey grin up at her. “But you’re okay. Here we go; we’re going to see Merle and Lucretia now.”

He reaches up and strokes her cheek. “You make me so _happy._ ”

“I’m so, so glad,” Lup answers patiently. “But I need you to move your feet, okay?”

“Oh,” he sighs. “Okay. I’m just so _happy…_ ”

“I know,” she says. “Sometimes, when we get a little too happy, we forget to move our feet, though. That’s why you have to keep moving toward the table.”

“Oh,” he sighs again.

Eventually, he makes it to the table with Lup, and she helps him in the chair, though he’s so immediately relaxed he all but lies his head down on the table. “Whoa, Lulu,” he sighs, almost drifting into sleep right there. “This table is _so_ beautiful.”

“You like that?” Merle asks from across the table in a tone people usually reserve for small children. “ _Magnus_ carved that for me, can you believe it? One of the nicest gifts I’ve ever gotten.”

“Oh, I just _love_ it,” Taako intones sincerely, trying to rest on his own hand like a pillow. “It’s _so_ good. Good table.” He pats it.

“I probably should’ve left him on the couch,” Lup admits, sitting next to him and trying to hold him up just a little, if only because the surface of the table is probably not the most comfortable place to be. “He’s not quite ready to rejoin us here on planet Earth yet. It, um,” she says, casting a glance at him as he flexes his own hand and marvels at it. “It might take awhile.”

“I’d imagine so.” God, Lucretia is always so understanding.

Merle nods somberly in agreement. “Takes one helluva drug to make a man feel so okay with his own _murder,_ I guess.”

This is nearly enough to get Lup’s blood boiling about the whole fiasco all over again. It took all of one second of seeing her brother lying there nearly _dead_ and that fucker just watching the life force drain out of him for her to let go of any frustrations or confusion she might have ever held towards Taako, and to finally direct them all in the right place. Some part of her worries that might make her a bad person, and some part of her _undoubtedly_ can’t help but feel responsible for failing to protect him from that scum in the first place, but she knows now more than ever that almost all of the blame lies with that fucker Sazed. It’s easy to feel helpless in her anger without Barry here to soothe and reassure her, though he’s on his way.

She came so close to letting him die. She _could’ve_ let him die.

But she let him go. She let the criminal justice system take him.

The news has been on since they got here, all making a big deal about Sazed’s arrest. Taako has moments of lucidity enough to giggle loudly, rest his head on Lup, and smile at her so wide because “that’s meeee, Lulu!!” She just pats his head, telling him in that gentle and soft voice that yes, Taako, it is, and she sees. “That’s me ‘cuz of Saz...zaz,” he slurs once, promptly falling asleep on her. She’s glad at least to see him get put in handcuffs, but she dreads any legal shit they’re gonna have to do. She wants to put it off for as long as possible.

But she also wants to make that fucker _pay,_ it’s just--

it’s just going to be so hard for Taako is all, and she hates that. She’ll support him, though, through the whole thing. She knows that for sure. It’s been a long, long day, and a long time since she’s slept a wink herself, but she won’t rest. She has to look out for Taako, to make sure he’s okay, to soothe him and just enjoy the fact that he’s _alive_ and he’s _here._

As he sings a little song about how weird his hands feel, she holds him so close.

“So… ...Merle and I have been discussing the possibility of seeing Davenport soon. Would you all like to--”

“What? _Hell_ yeah,” she says, and Taako turns to look at her like she has a third eye and then falls asleep on her shoulder. She doesn’t mind his drool, but she keeps her voice down a little so as not to disturb him. “I’d _love_ to see ol’ Davenport again! What’s he up to these days? Is he, um,” she lowers her voice even more, “doing okay?”

Lup knows he had a mental breakdown a few years back. Worked side by side with Lucretia and was a very prolific journalist, only to step down from his post, which Lucretia loyally took over. She can’t judge the guy; hell, she’s had her own dark times and dark days, so has Barry, and it’s a given that Taako’s going through shit. Even Lucretia’s made references to being depressed, so it’s not like he’d be alone in struggling.

“Oh, yes, he’s just fine,” Lucretia confirms to her immense relief. “A little sheepish about visiting you all, because he’s worried we’ll think poorly of him or somesuch--”

“What? Is he _kidding?_ We would never,” Lup exclaims, causing Taako to stir a little from slumber and then pet her face. “I mean, look at what we’ve got going on.”

“I’m _invisible,_ ” Taako declares to the befuddlement of pretty much everybody.

“See what I mean?” She just pets his hair until he’s out like a light again.

“Oh, I know,” Lucretia sighs. “That’s what I’ve _told_ him. He says he’ll think about it, though. He’s living on a boat on Lake Tahoe these days. Merle’s been out to see him.”

“It’s a _pretty_ sweet setup he’s got there,” admits Merle with pride. “I dunno why he’s so shy about it.”

“Could you maybe convince him to let us… ...see him?” Maybe a boat trip is just what they need. Taako’s always loved the water and taken to it like a fish, and it sounds nice to get away from land for a little while. “Either of you? Maybe we could invite Mags along, too! I miss that guy.”

“Oh, me too,” says Merle.

“Me too,” slurs Taako in his sleep.

“Miss him? Merle, he gave you that table! I haven’t--”

Taako shoots up. “I _love_ this table, ev’ryone. My compliments. To… ...you, table. You _know_ what ‘m talkin’ ‘bout.” He winks at it.

“Even Space Cadet over there loves it! I haven’t seen him in _forever._ What’s _he_ been doing?”

“Well, he’s real busy, I guess. Real well known back in his hometown for being some kind of political activist? But y’know, he still drops by. Real friendly. Need to get that kid a dog.”

“He _still_ doesn’t have one? You’re kidding me.”

“Nope, still no dog.”

“That’s _bullshit,_ ” Taako insists, eyes unfocused.

“ _Yeah!!_ Someone’s gotta get the poor man a dog!” She holds Taako up and kisses his forehead.

“Oh, I have no doubt he’ll get one someday,” says Merle. “Just right now he’s busy fallin’ in love ‘n’ gettin’ married and all that.”

“ _Married?_ Why weren’t we invited?”

“Hey, hey, I wasn’t either!” Merle holds up his hands defensively. “Private ceremony, I guess. But he’s real happy with her. Her name’s Julia.”

“Aww. I’m so glad. Never would’ve thought of Mags as the private type.”

“Mhm,” Taako agrees, nodding his head up and down until he struggles with staying awake again. “That’s _right._ I think.” He giggles.

She brushes a stray hair out of his eye. He giggles about that, too.

“Well, anyway, you should at least _try_ to invite him,” Lup insists. “We’d love to see him. Right, Taako? Wouldn’t you like to have a big fun beach vacation with the old crew?”

“Who? I don’t know them,” he answers, trying to start awake again as one of his eyes rolls back. “I don’t know them, but they sound lovely. I love the beach! I wish I could take… ...Kravitz…”

“Who’s Kravitz, hon?” She cradles him just a little.

“Death,” he says, snuggling into her and grinning. “He was so _funny._ ”

“Oh,” Lup says awkwardly. “Yeah, I, um… I’m glad that was… ...fun for you, babe.”

It dawns on her right then just how much she’s been through. She’s really not trying to be too tired, and she wants to be awake when Barry gets here, but Lucretia and Merle both shoot her sympathetic eyes and pretty soon Merle’s offered her and Taako one of the proper guest rooms. He’s asleep on the way to the room, and she falls asleep as soon as she hits the pillow.

It will be nice, she thinks, to get away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um, i feel like... this chapter was too short or something, but. YEAH. there it is. <3;; thanks always for your support! i'm excited to share this story with all of you all the time. :3


	14. Chapter 12

When Taako comes to again, the dopey happiness of the high fades just enough to result in the second part: sobbing unabashedly at everyone for everything. Lup tries her best to comfort him, but she’s so exhausted that when Barry finally arrives she falls asleep protesting. Lucretia is pretty haggard herself, so it’s agreed that those two have earned the right to rest, and now it’s Barry’s turn to spend time with Merle and Taako.

Unfortunately, while there are many things Barry is good at, consoling a Taako in tears is not one of them. Part of this is because he’s rarely granted the privilege of seeing Taako cry in the first place, and for him it occurs about as often as a Bigfoot sighting. It’s also probably because, while Barry’s heart is large and it goes out to people, _really_ … ...he’s socially awkward. It’s an unavoidable fact about him that he’s learned to cope with for his entire life, as far back as he can remember. Avoiding eye contact, never quite knowing what to do or say.

Except with Lup.

Naturally, though, he still tries. He rushed down here as soon as he heard a few of Lup’s voicemails and kept her on the phone when he could. He might feel uncomfortable patting his sobbing, absolutely tripped out brother-in-law on the back while someone he’s really only communicated with through online means for the past few years looks on, but he’ll do it, because they _are_ his family and important to him.

“Barold, I don’t tell you this enough,” Taako sobs, “but you’re _such a good guy._ You’re _soooo amazeballs._ I’m _so glad Lulu has you,_ really.”

“Uh,” stammers Barry as he gives Taako another pat. “Well, thanks, pal. That--that means a lot.”

“You wear _jeans,_ ” he hiccups in between tears, eyes far away.

“I um,” Barry tries, “I sure do, buddy. Wanna feel the fabric?”

“ _Yes,_ ” Taako agrees too emphatically, bursting into more sobs before being a little soothed by the feeling of denim in-between his fingers. Tears spill down his cheeks as he silently feels the denim in wonder, and then decides to feel the fabric of his shirt, and then the lenses of his glasses.

“Oh, boy,” Barry laughs awkwardly, unable to see now, glasses askew. “Okay.”

“I _love_ your glasses,” he confesses, then buries his head into Barry’s chest and cries about it. “They’re _wonderful._ You’re _wonderful._ I’m _so_ happy for you and for Lup and I’m so sorry because I never say it. I’m so, _sooo_ sorry…”

“Hey, Taako, don’t worry about it,” Barry tries, patting him again. “We’re cool, okay? It’s no big deal.”

“ _Soooo_ understanding,” Taako wails into his jean jacket, getting tears all over it.

“Aw. No worries, bud. It’s okay, Taako.” As he hugs Taako, which admittedly isn’t the _most_ comfortable for him but seems like the right thing to do, Barry shoots Merle a sort of clueless look and shrugs a little.

Taako is still so far gone he doesn’t even notice, and apparently, it’s been hours already, but this is the highest Barry has seen anyone in his entire life. He already knows from experience with Lup that elves are more sensitive to certain substances. Where he might get jittery having too much caffeine, Lup will all but bounce off the walls and crash much sooner than he does; when she gets a cold, cold medicine knocks her out right quick. He _still_ remembers when she was prescribed Ambien, because it would hit her so _hard_ and he’d wake up to so many incoherent texts, only to find her sleeping soundly and hunched over the phone with no memory of it later. All of these examples, too, can’t hold a candle to whatever someone like Sazed might drug Taako with, so he knows from a logical standpoint this makes sense.

It’s just that, emotionally, it’s. Um.

It’s been a very draining day for Barry, so he can’t imagine how everyone else feels. The terror he felt as he sped in the direction of Merle’s house was so _real,_ and he had to prepare himself for a scenario wherein he confronted Taako’s dead body on the couch and then held Lup. There were maybe things that could be done if he were able to stop and really think about it and consult a spellbook or… ...well, fifty, but he didn’t want to become so involved in solutions that he neglected the emotions of his grieving wife. Barry is good with death as an abstract; he made a home with its brand of magic for that very reason, and it’s always given him a lot of comfort to be able to look at it as something necessary and maybe not always that definitive. With _individuals_ that he cares about, though, that’s where he falters. He knows that’s a shitty Achilles heel to have when dealing with death, ‘cuz that’s where it’s inevitably gonna hit _everybody_ someday, but. There it is.

So yeah, when he arrived at the Highchurch house and found Taako like _this,_ it was a big improvement. When he could successfully convince his wife to rest, that was another victory, mostly ‘cuz she barely had the energy to argue against it (but he still loved that look on her face when she tried, defiant even as he draped the blanket back over her and gave her a kiss). This is probably the best case scenario Barry could be in at the moment, considering everything his family’s going through, so he tries to just take what he’s given and deal with it the best he can.

It’s still a little bit of a relief when Taako migrates away from him and tries to feel the flowers in Merle’s beard, all while beside himself about how they’re “just _too pretty,_ ” and not only because it takes the attention off of him. There’s a gentleness to the way Merle can handle situations like this that Barry would chalk up to having kids if he didn’t know any better. Sure, that probably _helps,_ but Merle’s always been the peaceful sort amongst ‘em all, and it really shines when he’s confronted with things like… ...well, an incredibly high elf.

“They _are_ pretty, aren’t they,” he says in that slow and patient way of speaking. “I’m pretty fond of ‘em myself.”

“They make you look,” Taako blubbers on him, feeling the petals delicately, “ _so_ good… It’s the most amazing thing I ever _saw._ ”

“Isn’t it just,” says Merle without skipping a beat, patting Taako on the head. “ _Thank_ you, Taako.”

“I miss _Lup,_ ” he cries. “She’d _love_ this. She’d _love_ it.”

“Aww, aw, shshshsh... I know, I know,” Merle soothes him, trying not to laugh a little. “Everyone loves ol’ Merle, it’s true… You’ll see her again soon, though, don’t you worry.”

“When? I miss her _sooo_ much. I haven’t seen her in _so long,_ I--”

He stops and stares, eyes glazed over, at something playing on the news station about this entire debacle, and Barry nearly feels nervous.

“Oh, my god,” he says in complete wonder, “I can’t _believe_ I’m on TV…”

This is what does it. Merle can’t keep himself from laughing just a little, and Barry feels bad but he joins in. It wouldn’t be so funny, except that Taako is always so quick to remind _everyone_ he’s on TV, pretty much whenever he sees them. To watch him so completely out of his fuckin’ gourd and staring at his own visage with confusion and amazement is kind of too much for both of them, and they only stop when he turns to stare at them, eyes filled with yet more tears.

“Why’re you _laughing_ at me? It’s not funny.”

“Oh, no, no, no,” Merle reassures him. “No, we’re not laughing _at_ you, Taako. We’re laughing _with_ you.”

“I’m--I’m laughing?” Oh, boy. Ground control is trying to reach Major Tom, but there’s still nobody there. “I… I guess that’s okay, then.”

“Good. You feelin’ a little sleepy yet, buddy? Wanna take another lil nippy nap?”

“I dunno,” Taako says, even as he decides the answer is “yes” and tries to curl up on the floor, sobbing without restraint into the carpet. Merle winks at Barry like they’re in cahoots and casts Calm Emotions, which buys them just the minute and calmness they need to help Taako back on the couch.

“M’nkay,” he yawns. Even when he’s so out of it, Taako tries to lazily throw up the peace sign. “‘m out. ‘Nighty night, holmes...”

After that, he’s pretty much out cold for awhile. Merle gets him a blanket out of a closet in the hallway and Barry pulls it over him. He can’t help but continually shoot nervous glances in the direction of the room Lup is staying in, worried she might need him if she has a nightmare or something, and Merle encourages him to “go, _go_ ” and check on her. He steps lightly down the hallway and barely opens the door a smidge, and finds both girls sleeping soundly. That’s enough for him to feel better, and his relief must be visible to Merle, because he motions for Barry to sit down with him at the table.

“Stressful day, huh?”

That nearly makes Barry laugh. “Uh, you could say that, Merle. Yeah.”

“I know the feeling, kid, _trust_ me. When they showed up with Taako’s _corpse_ today I didn’t know what to do. Just dumped him on the couch.”

This makes Barry’s blood run cold. “He really _did_ die,” he whispers.

“Oh, you bet,” Merle confirms. “Dead as a doornail for what, five minutes? Ten?”

It makes Barry sick to think about this already, and he must be looking pale because Merle gets up and goes rummaging around for some drinks. “You want somethin’ to take the edge off? I’m prob’ly gonna help _myself_ to a little somethin’. Think we all need to unwind after all this shit.”

“Uh, n-no thanks, Merle,” Barry stammers, wringing his hands. “Feel like I should probably be on alert in case somethin’ happens. You knock yourself out, though.”  
  
Merle thinks about it, then keeps rummaging. “Yeah, I’ll get’cha a nice glass of mead,” he says. “You like mead?”

“Not… ...particularly,” Barry manages, “no--”

“Mead it is.” Barry’s sure Merle’s probably listening to him, but maybe he doesn’t care. He comes back with two glasses of mead, one for Barry and one for him, and holds his up high. “Before we drink, a toast!”

“To what?”

“To this day _still_ not goin’ as poorly as it could’ve gone, that’s what. Barry, I know things’re rough for you right now, and I sympathize with that. I do. But you gotta learn to _relax_ a little, y’know?”

Barry laughs, more at the absurdity of the statement than anything else. “Relax? Merle, how can I… ...how can I _possibly_ relax at a time like this?” He rubs his temples a little.

“Barry, that’s what y’ _gotta_ learn,” insists Merle. “There _is_ no better time than this. Both the Twins are asleep, safe, and alive. We know it better than ever right now, the both of us. Hell, even _Lucretia’s_ letting herself catch some shuteye, and the asshole that caused all of this is probably gonna rot away in prison! And you still think that right now, if you have somethin’ to drink, it all might fall to pieces?” He pats Barry on the back, which makes him flinch a little, but isn’t actually the worst. “Give yourself a _break,_ pal. You deserve one, too.”

Barry stares down at the mead, still contemplating the weight of everything. “Merle, I… I dunno about this.”

Merle sighs. “Are you worried ‘bout Lup still? I shouldn’t have to tell you that girl is strong enough to get through this. She’ll be okay. He’ll be okay ‘cuz he has us, and she’ll be okay, too.”

This is what finally motivates Barry to take a gulp of the stuff, evidently, probably too big of one. “No, Merle, that’s not what I’m--” He sighs, taking his glasses off just so he can rub his eyes a little. Probably got a migraine forming. “That’s not what I’m _worried_ about with Lup, okay? I know she’s strong, and she does, too. But I’m worried she thinks she _has_ to be. She’s going through so much, I _know_ she doesn’t wanna show it, but--I’ve seen her low points. Merle, I’m… I’m worried she won’t ask for help.”

Merle sits back in his chair, looking thoughtful. “Well, then we just have to prove to her we’re there for her if she _does_ need it, right? You can’t read her mind, Barry. She wouldn’t want you worrying about that.”

“I _know_ she wouldn’t,” he admits. “I know she’d hate it. But it’s… ...too much, what she’s gone through, Merle. It’s--it’s too much, they’ve both gone through too much already, and for _this_ to start happening… It’s not fair.”

“You love ‘em both a lot, huh?”

“Well, yeah, Merle,” he manages. “Of--of _course_ I do. I love Lup with my _whole heart,_ and Taako’s always been my friend. My… ...my _family._ This… ...this really… ... _sucks._ ”

Merle sighs, taking another swig. “I know it does, kiddo. I know. But look, you know what one of the most important things of loving people is, right?” Barry stares at him, allowing himself to feel maybe a little buzzed but not much else. “It’s having faith. Now, that applies to stuff like gods, obviously, but it also applies to regular ol’ people like you ‘n’ me. Only difference is if you have faith in gods, they’ll help you through. If you have faith in people, you help them, and they help themselves. But it’s important to believe in those things, gods and people, even when it’s a struggle. Maybe… ...maybe especially then.”

Barry goes back to staring thoughtfully at his glass, taking another cautious sip. “Yeah, you’re--you’re right.”

“Yup,” Merle says with what seems like all the confidence in the world. “And I’ll tell you somethin’ else. All of this stuff that’s going on with Taako? It doesn’t shake my faith one bit, Barry. It _strengthens_ it.”

“Why?” Barry asks, genuinely curious. “ _How?_ ”

“Because Taako _died,_ Barry, but he _came back._ You think stuff like that happens without a purpose? D’you think it was just chance that the boy was dead as a doorstop and then sprung back to life in front of our eyes?”

“I… I dunno, Merle,” Barry confesses, carefully. “I just don’t know.”

Merle reassures him. “Well, that’s okay. You believe what you wanna believe. I’m not here to convert an old friend. I’m just sayin’, the corpse was on my couch one minute, and he’s been fine ever since. Maybe a little _loopy,_ but I could get him back to good health again. All I’m getting at is that it’s more unlikely that there’s _not_ something lookin’ out for our elves right now. Something’s got their backs, and all ours, probably. And that’s good enough for me.”

“Huh. Well, it definitely gives me a lot to think about, Merle. Thanks.”

“No problem, kiddo. Anytime.”

“Think I’m gonna turn in, though.” He realizes the mead is gone. “Alcohol makes me a little tired. But um, if… ...if anyone needs me, please let me know, okay?”

“Of _course_ I will, Barry,” Merle promises, and Barry believes him.

The dwarf tells him he doesn’t have to sleep on the floor, but in the end, Barry would rather not get too comfortable. He still wants to remain _somewhat_ alert, so he just gets himself a pillow and a blanket and lays down a little ways from the couch. Sleep still comes easier than he’d like it to with everything that’s going on, and he almost doesn’t even realize he’s drifted off at all until he wakes up to pitch black darkness and a low whisper.

“Barry? You.. ...you uh, you awake?”

“Yeah,” he confirms immediately, a little too loudly before he catches himself. “Yeah, I’m uh, wide awake. What’s up?”

“It’s… ...it’s me, Taako,” the other voice responds from the couch. It takes a moment of waking up for Barry to realize that the poor guy still sounds kind of spaced out, but at least now he’s aware enough to _try_ to come back down to earth. “From, um… ...TV.”

“I know who you are, Taako,” Barry answers patiently. “We… ...we know each other pretty well.”

“Right, of course you do. We do,” Taako whispers back, clearly trying not to sound high as a kite. Sort of succeeding. More than before, anyway. “Sorry. I’m, um… ...a little out of it, I think? Yeah. Uh.”

“Hey, man, it’s okay,” Barry tries to reassure him. “Don’t worry about it. This is more coherent than any of us have heard from you in awhile.”

His responses are a little slow, but there. “Yeah, um, I’ll buy that,” he whispers. “Okay. Um… ...brain’s a little foggy, but I’ll… ...cut to the chase. Can I… ...tell you a secret?” After a moment, he laughs just a little. “Aw, fuck, that sounds like some sleepover bullshit.”

This is certainly something Taako’s never asked him before. “Go for it, pal.”

“I… I don’t… ...know how I got here,” he confesses. At this point, Barry’s awake and alert enough to realize that his voice is a little monotone, like he’s in shock, like it’s maybe setting in that things are a little bit fucked up. “I… ...this is Merle’s house, right? I… ...have no idea.”

He takes a deep breath. “It’s… ...it’s okay, Taako.”

“No, like…” He spaces out again, but tries to snap himself out of it. “Like… ...I _know_ it isn’t. I know… ...something mega uncool just happened. But I… ...don’t wanna know what it is, okay? Not… ...not right now.”

“That’s okay, Taako,” Barry says after a moment. “You don’t have to ‘til you’re ready.”

“Okay.” Despite everything, the elf yawns again, breathing getting slower. “Thanks for being a real pal.” His arm is hanging limply off the side of the couch. “I just… ...don’t wanna… ...deal with it.”

“Don’t worry about it, bud. You… ...uh, you just get some rest. It’s all okay.” He’s floundering, but he really is trying his best. “You’re safe, and that’s what matters to everyone.”

“Safe,” Taako murmurs, clearly on the verge of dozing off. “Sounds good to me. Now you gotta… ...tell _me_ one, though.”

“One what? A secret?”

“Yeah. Even the score, Bluejeans.” He yawns again. “‘S only fair.”

He has to admit it is. “Okay… ...hm. Well, I… I don’t know how to swim, but we’re going to the beach soon, so--”

Soft laughter from the couch. “‘ _Zat_ why I never saw you near… ...water ‘fore?”

“Yup. Scared of it. Always liked seeing you out there, though.”

“Tell you what,” Taako promises, “next time we go to the beach… I’ll, um… ... _show…_ ...you how.”

By the time Barry has responded in kind, Taako is already fast asleep again.

Barry lets himself drift off to sleep, too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> gosh, lately i'm just into writing more of this thing. :3 as always, i hope you enjoyed it, and thanks always for the support. <3


	15. Chapter 13

The next time Taako rises, he knows two things:

  1. He’s hungover to high hell, and
  2. he doesn’t want to know how he got that way.



It’s a cliche for a  _ reason, _ he assures himself as he tries to take stock of the surroundings. What happens in Vegas stays there for good, where he doesn’t have to think about it. At least he can kind of figure out where he is pretty much instantaneously, which counts for a win when he feels  _ this _ trashed. Everything is way too bright and overwhelming (Legolas, what do your elven eyes see? Fucking  _ clown shoes _ , god damn it), and his ears twitch in response to the sounds of voices, but at least they’re people he knows.

Merle’s house. He’s at Merle’s house.

He doesn’t want people to know he’s up yet because they’re all gonna swarm him with their nasty habit  _ existing _ and  _ talking _ in the same space he’s taking up, but he can’t help it. A groan escapes his mouth before he can stifle it, and everyone who’s been talking shuts the hell up, which means that he has to brace himself for everyone’s concern. He liked it better, he thinks, back before people decided to give a shit. The life before waking up on other people’s couches to sympathetic faces and worried voices, that was some shit, but whatever happened last night has clearly fucked that over, ‘cuz  _ everyone’s _ in the kitchen adjacent to him.

“Taaks, is that you, baby? You up?” Lup’s voice rings clear as a bell, and even though it’s sweet and innocent and it means well, Taako has to try not to grumble in response. Lup only ever gets that sweet when something really good or something really terrible is going down, and he doesn’t want to deal with it.

The more he reaches something approaching lucidity, the more he realizes something really  _ bad _ has happened. His only real defense against it right now is to grope without thinking for sunglasses that aren’t there, because he’s not at Glamour Springs, genius, and he’s not at Lup’s house either. The only real way he can think to deal with it is something like a default setting for when things are too close to making him feel somewhat spooked, so when he mumbles something only mildly sensical in response and slowly sits up on the couch, he treats everything around him as an inconvenience.

“Unfortunately,” he grumbles. “Ugh. Feel like I got hit by a  _ train. _ ”

Lup is by his side too goddamn quickly, which is another hint that something’s wrong with this fucking picture, and he resolves to hate that too. “I’m so sorry, babe. You still feelin’ groggy?”

He has to squint just to focus on her, but he purposefully stops that after a moment, so he can play at being fine. “Nope,” he mumbles. “Super alert, no worries.” He gives a thumbs up when he means to give an “ok” gesture, and he feels like shit.

She studies him, and he hates it. “Well, you’re at least doing  _ better. _ I can tell.”

_ Better than what?  _ He wants to ask, wants to snap back. He doesn’t.

“Yup.” He tries to grin and feels all the effort it takes to do it. Ugho.

His responses are short and sweet for now, because maybe if he keeps it simple everyone will assume he  _ knows _ about whatever fucked up shit just went down and they won’t try to fill him in. He mumbles something about needing to go pee, and where’s the bathroom, and all these other voices clamor over each other to try to tell him where to go. Lup seems anxious to leave him be, hovering over him almost, and he has to nearly shut the door in her face to get enough privacy to take a piss.

After that’s through and he’s washed his hands, he checks himself out real careful in the mirror and is appalled at what he sees. His hair is a fucking  _ mess, _ his makeup is running like hell all over his goddamn  _ face, _ and he looks so pale he might as well be a ghost. What’s more, he doesn’t want to get any advice from the Peanut Gallery regarding this matter, ‘cuz everyone’s got such a weird vibe and he just doesn’t want to fuck with it  _ at all _ right now. So he has to tolerate looking sickly stick thin and disgusting, and he can’t help but hate himself as he does it, which he hates himself for even worse (makes a lot of sense, right?). He frowns at his reflection, begrudges it for doing such a poor job at being Taako, and wonders where his wand got put so he can cast Disguise Self. Doesn’t matter. Can’t ask.

He tries to rummage around for recollection of the night before and feels a sort of freezing sensation giving him goose pimples all up his arm, which he yelps at just a little. Lup wants to know if he’s okay, and he tells her that of  _ course _ he is, and he focuses a little harder. Zones out a little all at once, maybe, trying to access just enough that he doesn’t feel the way he does right now--how  _ does _ he feel right now?

When he lands on it, the feeling, he bites his tongue and backs away from it fast as he can.

Taako’s  _ scared. Terrified. _

Not only is he scared, but he’s deeply shaken, and the only thing keeping him from melting down right here in the Highchurch bathroom and besmirching his reputation as someone who generally keeps it cool is this layer of numb. It’s his only defense, so he doesn’t try to break through it, and he doesn’t wonder anymore. He stares blankly into his own eyes, dead and far away, and he takes a deep breath. Then another one. Splashes some water on his face just to feel it, just a little.

He’s not afraid. He’ll tell himself that ‘til it’s true. You can’t be scared if you’re nothing.

So he’s nothing when he walks back out, and he makes sure he saunters on out of there. He makes sure he has that kind of vibe he wants to assume when it’s time to play at commanding the room with presence, even as he looks and feels like dogshit. Lup is watching and following him too damn carefully for his comfort, but he stifles the urge to tell her to give him some space. Everyone wants to know if he wants breakfast, which triggers some particularly fun nausea, so no. He’ll pass.

“Enough about me,” he says carefully, trying not to be too hasty. “How’s everybody else?”

Taako takes a seat at the table because it seems like a normal thing to do.

The silence is fucking aggravating.

“Well? Did--did everyone sleep well, or what? I’m trying to be  _ nice, _ here. Treasure it while you can, folks.”

He’s not fooling Lup. He can tell. “Taako--”

She reaches out to touch him, brush a strand of hair out of his face, whatever. It doesn’t matter, because his response time is so quick that he nearly falls  _ out _ of the chair to avoid it, and he can’t tell whether or not she looks worried or hurt at the way he’ll go to any lengths just to  _ not _ be touched right now.

“Whoops,” he manages. “Clumsy me. How was your night, Lup? Good? Restful?”

She doesn’t answer him. She’s not cooperating. He can’t stand that she isn’t. “C’mon, throw me a bone here,” he laughs a little. It’s not a real laugh. He doesn’t know where those went off to at the moment. “Anyone wanna tell me how  _ they _ are? Merle? Lu? B-Barold? Anybody?”

“I slept okay,” Barry supplies helpfully, but he’s looking at him weird.

“Cool. Real cool, Barr. Uh. So.”

“On the floor,” he babbles, “but. I mean. All things considered.”

“Yeah, hey,” Taako laughs again, and this one feels hysterical and out of his control, which he doesn’t completely dig. “I mean,  _ we’ve _ certainly slept worse places. Right, Lup? Remember the time we curled up in that  _ dumpster?  _ Like.”

What the  _ fuck, _ Taako. He can’t think of what on earth is wrong with him as his mind goes right to childhood trauma, everyone’s favorite topic over breakfast. Usually you have to get him wicked drunk or high to get him to this level of divulgence, but here he is, prattling on about it like he almost can’t help itself. There’s a void in him now, he can tell, a familiar hole in his chest where some of his bad feelings or experiences go. He doesn’t want to feel it right now, and he can’t think about it, so he just keeps--

“Or, oh god,” he rambles, “the time! The time in the alley? An’ we nearly got robbed blind, but Lup here,” he elbows her in the ribs and it’s probably uncomfortable for both of them, “Lup here, she kicked some ass so that wouldn’t happen. And I mean, hell, at least when Abuelito would lock me up in the barn those bales of hay were  _ cozy, _ I wouldn’t exactly give the fondest Yelp review of the place, but hey. Uh, rolling stone gathers no--no, um.”

“Taako,” Lup says again, trying to reach out for him. “It’s  _ okay. _ You’re--”

He stands up from the table so abrupt he bangs his knee, and it doesn’t even register. He fumbles backward, just a little. “Y’know what we had to do for money? I mean, before the bakery, before making it big, before signing on with you jokers? Has she ever told you?”

“Taako.” Her voice is so far away.

Everything is far away, and not far enough. He backs the hell up. “I mean, natch, Lup got pretty good at kicking ass, but me? I didn’t, um, have that, so sometimes I’d,” he stammers over the words, backing up and up until he hits the couch. “Like, y’know, because people have  _ always _ wanted a piece of this--”

Merle nearly casts Calm Emotions. Taako knows that, though, and backs the hell up. “Don’t you fucking dare, old man. You’ll do that when I get ‘em  _ back, _ ” he insists, and he can tell he’s on the edge of--something. Who knows what. “Not a moment before, though. Back off. I mean, my--my good fortune is that I was pretty much born looking like this.” He can’t believe himself. He can’t believe he’s still rambling on, but he can’t--stop it, it all comes out like--

“Thank  _ gods _ I’m pretty,” he spits like venom. Like a mantra. “I mean, usually. It--”

Lup is trying to approach him.

“Don’t you come  _ near _ me,” he hisses, and he doesn’t recognize himself. “Everyone just back the fuck up. Taako needs a minute, got it?”

She stops, but her eyes are so pained. He can’t cope with it.

“Let’s establish something, right here and now.” His voice is too high-pitched right now, and his hands are shaking. “Let’s just get it out of the way and then we can all move on with our lives, or our days, or whatever we have left. I  _ don’t _ want to know. You’re  _ not _ going to tell me. And I’m gonna get away with not knowing because you’re gonna let me--you’re all gonna  _ let _ me. I’m not asking, by the bye. Those are established fucking facts straight from Taako’s Rulebook of No Bullshit, sources cited. Any questions?”

“T--”

“No? I didn’t think so. Okay. Now I’ll be taking  _ this, _ ” and he snatches his hat up right quick off the end table with the lamp on it and places it on his head somewhat crooked, “and whatever form of transport we got. It’s been super fun catching up with y’all, no doubt, but I’m done. ...zo. Done-zo, yeah. Washing my hands of this whole situation.”

“Taako,” Lup starts. “You can’t run from this one, hon--”

“ _ Bullshit, _ ” he snaps back. “You know me  _ better’n  _ that, Lup. Taako runs when he wants, where he wants. And I’m out. I’m good, I’m fine, and I’m out of here. Soon as I walk out this door, this whole fucking circus--it’s gonna be over for good. And I know some of you are probably relying on that to give you some sense of security or--or whatever. But you’ll manage, okay? Without me it’ll probably be even  _ easier _ , so I’m--I’m  _ outtie. _ ”

Lup doesn’t follow him, but someone still lays a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey,” says Barry behind him. “Hey, there, bud. You--you probably don’t remember this--” Yeah,  _ no shit, _ he wants to say and doesn’t, “--but last night you shared a secret with me. And I--I meant what I said then when we talked? It’s okay.”

Taako blinks without comprehending. “Okay, neat. I’m gonna go--”

“No,” Barry protests. “Wait. I meant what I  _ said, _ Taako. You don’t have to know anything ‘til you’re ready. And I’m willing to try to take steps to--” He takes a sharp breath in, looking anxiously at Lup like he’s betrayed her, maybe. “--to make sure you don’t. You’re  _ safe _ here, right now, with us. And--and if what you need to feel safe right now, is not talking about it? That’s gotta be cool with us.”

He risks a look around.

“Right, guys?”

Murmurs of agreement surround him at all sides, and Taako stares hollowly at Barry, trying to know what to do with this. Feeling suspicious, for some reason--not just of Barry, not just of Lup, but of everyone and everything. His ears draw back in caution, and he narrows his eyes just slightly.

“See? No one’s against you here, Taako,” Barry tries to reassure him. “No one. Everyone’s on your side in this. And right now, you don’t need to talk about it. That’s  _ fine. _ Just come sit down and have a piece of toast or something, okay? We good?”

Taako studies his face. Exhausted as fuck, to his immense guilt, but genuine. “...’kay,” he finally agrees. “We’re cool. But uh, can you get your hand off my shoulder?”

“Oh,” Barry realizes and immediately retracts it. “Yeah, sorry.”

“N-P,” he mutters, and then finally goes to take his place again at the table. “I don’t want toast, though. Gimme the Loops.”

“Froot Loops?”

“What else,” he huffs. “Loops or I--I don’t eat.”

It’s a petty demand, but he only has these little bite-sized slivers of control right now, and he clings to making it difficult for everyone else if only because he  _ can _ and life  _ sucks _ and he wants to see how much they care, anyway. Merle’s got tots of his own, so he’s got ‘em, and he sits and eats his cereal in goddamn peace and quiet.

Lup  _ wants _ to touch him, he knows. Lucretia wants to give him some sort of hug or something. Merle probably has loads of helpful advice at the tip of his tongue, and Barry probably just wants to do some kind of damage control.

But his life is fucked up right now, so they can wait.

It can all wait, for now. He huddles over his bowl like someone might take it from him, and they let him do that. No one invades his personal space, or goes out of his way to make him feel small and washed up, or says any derogatory or patronizing comments, or lays it on too thick. He doesn’t know why, but when the tears start falling, they all know better than to make him feel weird about that either.

“I love this cereal,” he admits, still hunched over. “I always gotta cook a goddamn good breakfast, but all I ever want is just a fucking bowl of  _ cereal. _ Hard to believe, huh? I  _ hate _ that stuck up Food Network judge bullshit. It’s like, have a pop tart for once in your life,  _ jackass. _ Unbelievable.”

He’s rambling again, but he tries to feel okay about it.

He cringes and waits for that weird silence, but it doesn’t happen. Lu is the first one to let out a chuckle, which gets Lup laughing, and that lets everyone else know they’re okay to laugh, too. Everyone is laughing at him, which makes him nervous and tense at first, and then he relaxes and chuckles a little, too. When the meal’s all done, he insists upon taking his own bowl to the sink and washing everyone’s dishes, and when Lup insists on helping him it’s weirdly not the end of the world.

“We’ve been talkin’ beach,” she tells him casually as she scrubs.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Wanna go? Dav ‘n’ Mags are gonna be there and everything.”

“No shit?”

“Yeah, the whole gang.”

“I guess not showing up’ll make me look like a prick, huh? Not really giving me a lot of options here, Lulu.”

“Nope,” she confirms, and her voice is teasing and chipper at this. “You’d have to be a real  _ wang _ to ding this one up.”

“Welp,” he shrugs, smiling a little. It’s a broken smile, but it’ll do, and he knows it ‘cuz she gives him a real big one in return. “I’ll go, then. Since I got no choice ‘n’ all.”

“Excellent,” she trills.

A vague flash of a hand in the darkness springs to mind. He dismisses it and tells no one.

Doesn’t feel better, exactly, but. Who knows.

Maybe Taako’ll be good out there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, i WAS really into writing this thing, and then i went to a wedding and grieved and got sick and a cold started kicking my ass. LMAO. IT HAS YET TO LET UP, but i've been feeling the Vegas vibes in my life for like over a day now, so i knew i had to try to update with something. beach soon. <3 thanks always for all your support!!! i love you guys so much.


	16. Chapter 14

Over the course of the next few days, there’s nowhere to go but up.

Lup’s not naive enough to think that everything’s  _ fixed, _ of course. If Taako felt far away and like a ghost of his former self before, she has no idea how to describe him now. He’ll move from the couch, at the very least, and she sees him up and about which is encouraging, but he’s clearly not really inhabiting his life at the moment. She can’t blame him too much, though she worries to Barry and company about it frequently, and she’s still watching him like a hawk.

It’s easy to do that now, though, because after his outburst the other day he follows her everywhere. She tries not to be so relieved by it, because he looks so  _ lost; _ she knows he’s just following her every move because he doesn’t know what the fuck else to do, and she barely knows what to do herself. He trails her everywhere except the bathroom, and even then she exits to find Taako just standing there and anxiously wringing his hands. So maybe she shouldn’t feel this optimistic, but they hit such rock bottom that anything now is an improvement.

Everyone is walking on eggshells around him, of course. No one knows what else to do. While Taako follows Lup everywhere like a lost and confused duckling, he shoots anxious eyes at Barry every time people try to bring shit up, so they stop doing that. He’s not ready, and although Lup in particular worries that this’ll just enable him to try to run from all of his problems, Barry reassures her constantly that she needs to give him enough time to want to open up. It’s gonna take awhile, he says. Probably more than a few days, he says. His brain can’t process it all at once, Barry says, and Lup knows as always that he’s so smart and so right about this, but it feels wrong to just… ...not… ...deal with it.

Lup’s always been one for confronting shit head on. Taako’s always been content to run away from problems in whatever way he can, obfuscating and dancing his way through life and personal trauma with misdirection and smoke and mirrors games. It’s not like they haven’t clashed that way before; it was rough when Lup first started going to therapy, because she  _ needed _ to process the childhood trauma they’d been through with him and he outright rejected it. It had been that way even when they were both striking out on the road together, with Lup always being the one to defend them with her fists, and Taako being the one to grab her hand and  _ run _ as quick as their little legs would carry them. But now it’s especially worrisome and scary to her, because he doesn’t  _ remember, _ and she keeps waiting for that other shoe to drop.

Barry tells her they’ll cross that bridge, babe. And he’s right, they will, and at least she’s managed to keep Taako tied down in one place for a few days. She can know where he is, she can know that he’s safe, and she can know that for right now he’s expressed no real intention of crawling back to that slimy rat bastard he’s called a partner (not that he could, now that the guy’s locked up).

So she’s just trying to… ...smile for everyone.

They don’t  _ need _ to focus on all this terribly traumatic stuff they’ve been going through twenty-four sev, she tells herself. They’ll be thrust back into the thick of it soon enough, but for now they get a little break, so she tries to throw most of her energy into the trip. Looks like everyone’s going to be able to get together to take a trip to the lake, and she’s so excited to see everyone again. 

Just having five out of the seven of them there crashing at Merle’s pad reassures her that they all  _ need _ each other, probably now more than ever before. Individually they’ve all had their struggles and hardships. Merle’s going through a nasty divorce, Lucretia’s evidently been struggling with almost crippling depression for years, Barry still has awful anxiety like she’s always known, and she doesn’t even  _ need _ to fill anyone in on the situation with her and Taako because it’s right there, current and out in the open for everyone to see. Dav’s only absent  _ because _ his mental shit got to be too much for him to handle, and it’s to the point where Lup is honest to god concerned that Mags’ll show up with some godawful baggage and bad news. But when they get together, they can manage that shit. Someone is always willing to reassure someone else.

Lup’s been operating under the assumption that she was fine with just Barry for years. She was sad to see the old group disband, but it had to be done; and yet, when she feels this warmth that her family is able to provide on the days leading up to the beach, she wonders why she even hesitated to reach out for so long.

Weirdly enough, Taako is the one to insist upon helping her prepare treats and meals for the trip. She hasn’t even seen him go near the kitchen for anything that’s not sugary cereal or protein drinks (and once, a key lime gogurt) since this entire affair started, but suddenly he’s determined to help her out. Her department these days is usually desserts, so she handles those while he makes sandwiches, dicing cucumbers with an intense focus she’s really never seen before. It’s a little intimidating and worrisome to see him with so much control over knives, but he’s good for it so far, slicing up meats and vegetables without a single misstep.

“Beach is gonna be pretty rad, huh?” She doesn’t know what else to say.

“Mhm,” he answers. She can tell he’s not really with her, fully focused on cutting sandwiches into perfect triangles. “Sure thing. Super hyped.”

“Well, that’s good,” she says awkwardly. “I’m real glad.”

“Bummer we’re going to the lake, though.” It’s like he’s not letting his mind connect with any of the words coming from his mouth, but it’s been this way for days, and she’s starting not to be as incredibly put off by it.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he mutters. “If it were the ocean, I could surf, at least.”

“Oh, yeah,” she realizes. “Surfing was your whole thing back in the day, huh?”

“Yuh-hum.” The sound of the knife cutting through the air is too quick, too furious; even as his face registers no emotion and his brain won’t let himself feel or remember anything, she can feel the catharsis he gets just from slicing and dicing. At least he gets it from somewhere, and he either doesn’t seem to notice or care how carefully she watches his hands for any missteps or unintentional or purposeful acts of self-harm. “‘S cool, though. ‘m teaching Barold to swim.”

It’s been a tense as fuck time of their lives, but Lup still can’t help but smile at this. “No shit?” Barry’s always been pretty goddamn hydrophobic, and not even Lup could ever get him near the water. “How the fuck’d you strike up  _ that _ deal?”

“Dunno,” he says flatly, shrugging his shoulders. He hasn’t even looked at or acknowledged her. “Don’t remember it. Guess I promised him I would, though, and Taako’s nothing if not true to his word. Or whatever.”

“Okay, but mostly you just wanna,” she points out, checking on pie crust.

“Eh,” he shrugs.

She’s still smiling. It’s nice to see how close Barry and Taako have gotten lately, even if it’s under kind of fucked up circumstances. Honestly, it’s just kind of a relief for Lup when anyone knows how to handle her twin brother, because it would be exhausting trying to do it all by herself, and he deserves and needs all the love and care he can get. 

“Hey, so,” he murmurs absently, rifling through the pantry. “D’you know where Merle keeps the peanut butter?”

She stops immediately. “Taaks, babe, you’re allergic to that shit.”

He ignores her. “No bigs, I’ll find it.”

“Taako, babe? No. You’re allergic. To that shit.”

“I think I got it,” he mumbles, voice and eyes far away. “I’ll just--”

“ _ Taako. _ ” She doesn’t know what else to do. Lup  _ grabs _ his hand and wrenches him back from the pantry like it’s instinctive, not even thinking about it. It doesn’t occur to her until she sees the even more fucked up look in his eyes that she might have grabbed too hard, but he goes legit almost limp as soon as she does, and doesn’t even fight back. “You okay?”

“Um,” he stammers, looking right through her. “Yup. Anyway, I just wanna make sure we got a good selection of ‘wiches at this thing. It’s uh, it’s a cool way to say sandwiches. You um, wouldn’t get it. It’s… ...it’s showbiz.” He still hasn’t even moved to take his hand away from hers, letting her hold it whatever way she wants. 

God, he’s so dissociated. She feels like such a piece of shit. “You can’t make peanut butter sandwiches, though, bro. You know that.”

“Yeah, uh,” he says, “sorry. Wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s okay, Taaks.”

“I’ll do better next time,” he promises, and it’s one of those promises she knows isn’t directed at her, and is directed at the memory of someone else. “Don’t worry ‘bout it.”

He’s trying to get back to the sandwiches; there are so many of them that Lup  _ knows _ they’re not gonna be able to pack or eat ‘em all, but she’s not about to stop him if it’s what helps. She still tries to get him to take a break for a second just to look at her, look at her face, look into her eyes. “Hey, hey. Hey, you don’t have to make promises like that to me. It’s okay. You know that, right?”

He blinks. “Look, if I don’t get back to work on this food, we’re not gonna have anything to eat there.”

“Fair enough,” she sighs, leaving him to it.

Lup can’t really judge; it’s too easy for her to want to stress bake. If she let herself, she’d be well on her way to making a baker’s dozen of doughnuts, plus at least three batches of brownies, a cake, and several pies. She has to almost physically restrain herself from filling Merle’s house up with sugary junk, not only because shit’s so weird right now, but because she hasn’t been to work in  _ forever _ since all this shit started. Baking is her life. She misses the regulars that frequent her shop; she misses the joy on someone’s face when she offers ‘em a free cupcake, or lets them know about a new flavor of the day.

She misses her normal, average, everyday suburban life that she’s built for herself. She misses her bed and being able to rest in it at night without feeling so on edge. She misses nothing major going on in her life, the domestic bliss that she purposefully cultivated for herself after her life became such a shitfest. She misses feeling proud of what she’s built, and she’s so homesick for something that Taako destroys without even meaning to every single time he re-enters her life.

But she’s also just happy he’s alive and okay.

She’s also glad to see her family.

She has to let those emotions win for now.

A knock at the door and a ring at the doorbell jars her from her thoughts. Her instinct is to go answer it, but Taako starts so much at how big and booming the knock is that he drops one of the sandwiches, and the way he’s looking at his hard work and the egg salad on the floor makes her think she really shouldn’t leave him. She knows him well enough, because he stares at it unblinking, and suddenly his eyes are so  _ frantic. _

“Taako? Hey, Taaks? It’s okay, baby. It’s--”

He shoots a terrified glance at her, then cups his hands so much over his ears he’s nearly clawing at them, sinking to the floor. “Fuck, no, no,  _ no. _ I can’t--I can’t do this, I can’t  _ do _ this.”

“Hey, hey. Hey, shh.” She gets down on his level, knowing better than to touch him just yet. “Can you focus on me? Can you focus on where we are right now? You’re with me, Lup, and the door scared you a little. That’s all. Just a sandwich, T.”

“No, no,  _ no, _ ” he croaks, still staring at it. “No.  _ No. _ ”

“Taako, I promise it’s okay. Let’s try to think. What does stuff around us look like, huh?”

“I can’t do anything right,” he tells her, and he’s trembling like a leaf.

“Not true. Not true at all. You’ve been doing so, so good, okay?”

“If I don’t get this done,” he hisses, sob in his throat, “then everyone will  _ hate _ me.”

“No one here hates you, babe,” she starts.

“ _ I _ certainly don’t,” says a voice.

They both glance up at the voice, though Lup is trying her hardest not to get too distracted. “Oh my god, Mags!”

It’s been so long since she’s seen Magnus Burnsides, and god, he looks great. That’s enough to reassure her that at least  _ someone _ in their group isn’t falling apart, and she feels lighter knowing that already. Even though he just walked into the eye of some weird Taako storm, he doesn’t seem the least bit thrown or intimidated, and he even gets down on their level. His eyes are still so kind.

“Hey, you two,” he says. Mags has never been a super gentle guy, if only because he’s so friendly and energetic, but she can tell he’s trying to be as delicate as someone like him can be, and she appreciates it. “How’s it goin’?”

Taako stares at him, still shaking, but his very presence seems to help him come back a little. “Been better.”

“Yeah? ‘m sorry ‘bout that, buddy.”

“No bigs. I, um--what am I doing on the floor?”

Magnus goes to help Lup get him up without her even asking, eliminating weight that wasn’t very much to begin with because Taako’s so damn lithe. She appreciates it nonetheless, already feeling warm and a little comforted. “Well, whatever you were doing there,” Mags says simply, “you’re upright now.”

“Thanks,” both twins say at the same time.

Magnus laughs. “No problem! And hey, so I don’t know if you guys will appreciate this or not, but I know the press has been hounding y’all. So I thought that maybe I could be like, Taako’s bodyguard? I dunno. Keep people from being too annoying. Brought some booze along, too? I dunno, I feel kinda bad that I couldn’t really get here before now, but I’ve been so busy back home, and I--”

To everyone’s immense surprise, Taako hugs him.

“Fuck you,” he mumbles into Magnus’s shirt, “for knowing  _ exactly _ what I need, big fella.”

When Magnus smiles and hugs back, it’s a long hug. It’s genuine, it’s probably cracking a few of Taako’s bones in or out of place, and it’s clearly something warm and protective. “What else are friends for, right?”

“I guess,” Taako murmurs, then steps away.

Pretty soon, everyone but the twins is sitting over at the table, but all of them are catching up and reminiscing. To Lup’s relief, dropping the sandwich is the only really terrible incident they have in the kitchen for the rest of their time at Merle’s, and while it’s true that Taako won’t really emote or laugh with anyone else he chimes in a few times to make remarks, which is good enough. They’re still in the kitchen if only because Taako’s busy slicing up various fruits and won’t leave, won’t put the knife down until they’re literally going to head out the door.

There are a lot of good anecdotes exchanged around the table. Magnus gets to talk some about Julia, too, and the way he talks about her makes Lup feel like she already knows her. She’s strong, she’s beautiful, she has a smile that can light up the whole room. They both champion for various causes back home, which is usually what’s got Magnus so busy these days, though he works and makes furniture as a primary source of income. The amount of relief and warmth that  _ everyone _ feels knowing Magnus is okay is so genuine that Lup almost wishes she could bottle that shit, preserve it for whenever she wants, but of course he doesn’t judge any of them for being where they are in life either. He hears about everyone’s issues and sympathizes, accepting them all as they are.

It’s so… ...fucking good and healing, that when it’s time for them to leave for the beach, Lup feels even better about something she knew would be good. It takes a little bit of persuasion and reassurance from all sides to let Taako know that they’re good on sandwiches and fruit and drinks, that he’s done so well and it’s enough so they can go, but he believes them eventually.

He clings to Magnus, but matches his every footstep with Lup.

Neither of them mind or are surprised when he settles into a nap on the way there, but Lup can’t help be a little sad at how his form leans away from her in the backseat, scrunched up to make himself as scarce as possible.

It’s okay, she knows.

It’ll all heal in time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> man, i keep saying to myself that the next chapter will be the beach, but rly this time???? next chapter is the beach. HERE WE GO, Y'ALL. thank you for reading and caring as always. <3


	17. Chapter 15, pt. 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dedicated not so partially to Madeline, my Davenport friend who cares about Vegas's soundtrack. i hope i didn't fuck this up too bad. just Travis <3

Davenport is, on the whole, pretty satisfied with his life.

Okay, well. Maybe  _ satisfied _ isn’t quite the right word, and everyone knows his life is far from perfect. That’s part of the problem he’s running into today, that  _ everyone knows. _ But he’s always known on some level that he couldn’t live in isolation on the lake forever, right? And he’s always known that his Seven Birds would flock back to him for direction someday, there’s no doubt about that. So it shouldn’t even be that big of a deal when he wakes up and knows that today is the day, that they’re coming to him. It shouldn’t make him panic, so it--it doesn’t.

Lucretia is what really convinces him to do it in the end. He cares for every one of his friends, of course, but he’s always had a special relationship with her. They both share the same passion for writing, for getting to the heart and truth of every story; back in his journalism days, she had been a rising star, and he knew she had what it took to make it in that business. It was too bad, honestly, that he never suspected  _ he _ didn’t have what it took.

But when it got to be too much, it was only natural to let her step in and take his place. She’s the only one he’s ever trusted to do so; she’s one of the bunch to keep in touch with him on the regular, naturally. She’s so talented at what she does, so  _ passionate, _ and she’s flourished and grown so much from the shy wallflower she used to be into a well-known figure. That’s also why it’s been easy for Davenport to worry about her, though, nowadays. He may live on a boat on a lake in almost kinda the middle of nowhere, but he’s still kept up to date, and he’s worried about her sabotaging herself for Taako and Lup. Of course, she would in a heartbeat; of course, he would too, so he can’t blame her.

He still worries, though. He can worry about that and her journalistic integrity. He can worry about Taako, and the fact that apparently, some scumbag made an attempt on his life (and he can also feel for Lup and how much she must want to just  _ punch that guy’s teeth in, _ because Davenport’s nothing if not a fighter and he wants to, too). He can worry about Merle and his messy divorce, and he does often, even though Merle always lets him know things are going to be just fine. Hell, if he’s in a  _ really _ anxious place, he can probably even worry about Magnus or Barry--maybe Barry a little more than Magnus, but  _ still. _ He can worry about any one of them, he just--can’t worry about himself,  _ especially _ not today.

So no, he’s  _ not _ concerned for himself when the day finally rolls around. Absolutely not. He’s making sure his quarters look spick and span; he’s trying to get everything ready to accommodate six other people; he’s practiced greeting them all several times in the mirror so he doesn’t look like a complete jackass. But he is  _ not, _ absolutely  _ not _ worried about whether or not he’ll be able to pass muster in the eyes of his friends. He is  _ not _ concerned about having a major anxiety attack in front of them, at all, because that would be a selfish concern. It’s really no big deal, actually, that they need him to be strong and collected and that he has to look out for every single one of them and pretend to be himself before the mental breakdown happened, because--

\--aw, shit. It’s probably kind of a big deal.

Well, that sucks, but at least Lucretia and Merle know what he’s  _ like _ now. They’re way too nice about it if anything, but they  _ know. _ He hasn’t seen any of the rest of ‘em since before everything went south, and he has no idea what they’ll think of him now, or what they’ll expect of him. He worries that Lucretia has told them too much; he worries that she hasn’t told them enough. Maybe he’ll have to ward off questions about what he’s been doing with his time; maybe he  _ won’t, _ and they won’t care. He can’t decide which is worse. He needs to--fuck, he needs to fend off thoughts of popping an anti-anxiety pill ‘cuz that shit’ll threaten to knock him out and he needs to be alert. But what if he’s  _ too _ alert? How alert is  _ too _ alert? How is he--how is he going to  _ do  _ this? What if he can’t  _ do _ this?

It takes a while of frantic pacing and muttering to himself, but he does calm down. He just has to channel all of that nervous energy into the shit that counts, so he tries his best. Checks, double checks,  _ triple _ checks everything to make sure it’s enough for everyone to feel comfortable. Deep cleans, stares out at the water, makes sure life vests are at the ready just in case. It’s okay, he tries to convince himself, that he’s nervous. It’s perfectly  _ natural _ to be nervous. He’s fine, and he knows that until he gets word that they’re here.

Until he meets them at the shore. He takes breaths the whole way there, but gets no air. He’s panicking  _ so much,  _ but he sees Lucretia and Merle first, and that’s a little easier. They’re not surprised by him, worried about him; he invites them in. Lucretia hangs back just a moment, she’s sorry, but she needs to make sure Taako is all right. Davenport tries not to think about… ...that.

“Sweet life you got out here,” Merle says kindly, hopefully not just to be nice. “As always, Davenport.”

“Uh, yeah,” Davenport wrings his hands. “Uh, kinda. Lemme show you to your, uh, to where you’ll be staying.” He probably should stick around and make sure that everyone else is doing all right, but--

Lup boards before he can even think about it, reassuring a very nervous Barry. “You’re doing so  _ well, _ babe. See? You’re already on the water. This isn’t  _ so _ bad.”

“I can feel it all  _ moving, _ ” he whispers in terror. “Lup, I think I might be sick.”

“Throw up over the side if you gotta, hon.” She rubs his back, then grins jovially at Davenport. In truth, she looks great, considering the circumstances and the state of her husband beside her. Wearing a black bikini top and black swim shorts with cheesy flame decals, but she’s still applied some lipstick. She must’ve gone soft. Maybe the cheer is a little forced, but it’s a little  _ genuine, _ too. “Hey, there, Cap’n ‘Port! Thanks  _ so _ much for having us! It means the world, ‘n’ we’ve really wanted to catch up anyways.”

“Oh, yeah?” Catch up? He swallows his dread. “Well, um, that’s--that’s very nice of you, Lup. I’m glad to see you guys, too.”

“Cool! Barry’s glad too, huh, babe?”

He gives Davenport a thumbs up. “Super glad, don’t worry. Once dramamine kicks in, I’ll be uh, good to go. Until then, I--um. Oof.”

Poor Barry. He feels like he should comfort him somehow. “You’ll get used to it, I think. Probably.”

Barry laughs. “Oh, god.”

His urge to comfort Barry is really nothing, though, when he finally sees Lucretia and Magnus making their way to the boat. He’s not so intimidated by the sight of Lucretia; she’s used to him, they’re close, but she’s hanging back. Magnus is leading the pack, reassuring both of them. When he steps on the boat, he makes it obvious. Every one of his strides is so confident.

“ _ Cap’n ‘Port!! _ It’s so great to see you! Don’t worry, I brought booze.”

“Oh, uh,” he stammers. “Well, I don’t drink much these days, but if you--”

“This is such a sick boat,” he remarks in earnest. “ _ Literally. _ ” When he winks at Barry, it’s just as genuine. 

His dramamine must be kicking in, because Barry blinks a little out at Magnus, trying to comprehend the joke. “Funny,” he tries. “Um, I think I might need to lie… ...down for a little bit, babe. ‘S the med’cine. Kickin’ in.” He yawns.

Lup is right by him, being so soothing and petting his hair. “Okay, babe. Uh, Dav, can you show us to the beds?”

He does get to show everyone so far to the aft cabin (except Magnus, who insists on lingering for a little), and he tries not to be so jittery about everything. Barry mumbles a quick thanks before falling asleep before Lup can even get him properly tucked in, and it  _ does _ make Davenport happy to see the two of them are still just as in love as they’ve always been. He’s surprised, if anything, that Barry’s been persuaded to come on this trip with everyone; the man could never really find his sea legs, as it were. Davenport’s not really sure if he’s even seen him near water before. But at least he’s being tended to by Lup at the moment.

So that just leaves--

“Yeah, that’s it, buddy,” says Magnus in the most gentle voice Davenport has probably ever heard him use. “It’s safe, definitely. Scoped it out for you ‘n’  _ everything. _ ”

“We’re just going to enjoy ourselves here,” Lucretia’s voice comes, so soft and gentle and quiet. “That’s all. This is just going to be a fun trip.”

“Pretty sick boathouse,” comes Taako’s voice. He recognizes it as Taako’s voice, at least, but it’s so quiet. It’s so quiet that it  _ does _ make Davenport nervous in spite of himself, but here they all come. Magnus rushes in first, followed by Lucretia, who is being trailed by--

\--by Taako, but he’s pale and frail.

By Taako, but his eyes are far away.

By Taako, wearing his hat that clashes with everything like always, and brightly obnoxious and clashing swimwear. He  _ looks _ like Taako, he  _ sounds _ like Taako, and he  _ tries _ to carry himself like Taako but he’s making himself so much scarcer than usual. In the days Davenport knew Taako, he could gladly take up all the energy in a room for himself. Now he’s trying  _ not _ to be noticed, big pink sunglasses hiding his face.

“Hi, you guys,” Davenport greets them awkwardly. “Welcome to my, um, my home. Now.”

“Like I said,” Taako says, trying to project his voice outward but his heart’s not really in it. “Super sick, my man. Into it.”

“Thanks, Taako.”

“Eh, no problem. I ain’t bein’ nice--just truthful.”

“Uh, okay,” says Davenport awkwardly. “So anyway--”

“I def wanna take the grand tour,” Taako tells him. “But first, I need a drink, and  _ stat. _ ”

“I’m on it!!” Magnus yells, far too eagerly for this situation.

Okay, then. He’s in the thick of it now, and that’s… ...just the way it is. Magnus gets to work mixing drinks for everybody with incredible skill. Lup shoots worrying glances towards Taako, but he all but  _ downs _ his first tequila shot. It’s not long at all before everyone’s at least a  _ little _ liquored up, with the exception of sleeping Barry (and Lucretia, who felt it was important for her to stay sober).

Davenport’s appalled at himself for being a few ciders deep. It’s hard for him not to sit and think about how much he hates himself, even now, as Taako is drinking coconut rum straight out of a bottle and looking pretty close to trashed. That’s who sits down next to him, too, although he’d prefer for it to be Merle.

“Thought Merle’d be sittin’ next to me,” he says. Out loud. Oh, God. He’s drunk, and it’s a bad idea.

“Sorry,” Taako says plainly, eyes far away and definitely not sober in the  _ least. _ “Taako’s what’cha got, Cap’n. ‘S’okay if that’s disappointin’, though.”

“Disappointing?” Davenport asks, blushing furiously. “No, no, no. I’m glad to see you’re… ...here, Taako.”

“Naw, I get it,” slurs Taako. “You’re gay for Highchurch anyways.”

“I--I am  _ not, _ ” Davenport stammers, whole entire face flushed and warm with booze. 

“Gay,” Taako says, simply. “Like, super duper gay.  _ Trust _ me, I know gay.”

“Yeah,” he says, fiddling with his thumbs. “I guess you do. But--but not in this case.”

“Listen,” Taako says, slurring awfully and slinging an arm around the gnome. “I  _ knowwww gay, _ okay, Dav? Like, yeah, Sazed sure, whatever, I don’t even  _ care. _ But I’ve been mega crushing on the  _ Grim Reaper. _ ”

Davenport blinks, trying not to laugh, because that’s inappropriate. “You’re really out of it, huh, Taako?”

“Naw, naw,  _ naw, _ dude,” Taako insists. “I’m seein’ things clearest I ever have in a  _ long  _ time. And I fucking  _ hate _ it, homie.”

“‘m sorry,” Davenport babbles uselessly.

“‘S’okay,” Taako pats his head. “Hey, if you wanna like, smoke a spliff or whatever, that shit’s legal here, right?”

Davenport has to really think about it. “Uh, yeah, Taako,” he says. “This is Nevada.”

“Cool,” says Taako, and then: “ _ You _ want any, Dav?”

“Uh, no,” he declines. “No thanks.”

“You sure? Got it from Merle.” Taako’s got his hands on some  _ dank _ shit. He watches the way he smokes it so effortlessly, without even coughing. Davenport feels like coughing just being right next to him. “Really does, uh… ...ah. See. That’s gonna be better. C’mon, Cap’n. Indulge a  _ little. _ ”

Lup pokes her head around. “You peer pressuring the cap’n, Taaks? Don’ do that. Not ever’body likes that shit.”

“‘kay,” he agrees, way too relaxed already. “No big deal.”

“Wouldn’t mind some of that, T,” Lup confides in him.

A little while later, and they’re all sitting out and watching the stars. Lucretia and Lup are having their own private conversation that no one feels they should disturb. Magnus is chatting happily and drunkenly with Merle (who honestly is stoned out of his mind, but he probably always is a little) about the nature of life and goodness or something. So that leaves Davenport and Taako, looking up at the stars.

“It’s fucked up,” Taako whispers. “Life.”

“Yeah,” Davenport agrees.

“ _ Think _ about it,” Taako says, waving his arms out at the stars. “Really  _ think _ about it. We’re  _ dust _ in the universe, Dav. We’re  _ nothing, _ my dude.  _ Crazy. _ But like, you made  _ so much of yourself, _ ‘n’ I did too. But that shit? It vanishes in the blink of an eye, my man. Like, you work so hard, and then--poof. Gone-zo.”

“Yeah,” Davenport agrees, somewhat uncomfortably. “I guess we really  _ are _ in the same boat, huh?”

Taako smiles, lazy and happy. “Well, no  _ shit, _ Dav.”

“Look, if you um, ever need to talk about it--”

“I don’t,” Taako says calmly. “Not now, ‘kay? Do you?”

“Nope,” Davenport decides.

The stars are beautiful tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh i am so nervous i have never written from Davenport's POV in my life. i have gotten drunk on boats, though??? i mean??? anyway i hope this was... decent. more to come. BEACH BEACH BEACH BEACH


	18. Chapter 15, pt. 2

The next morning is the best Taako’s had in a while.

It’s not _perfect,_ by any means, and he still realizes there’s something huge missing from his memory with unease when he rises. He still doesn’t feel entirely in control of the things his body says and does, but maybe he feels more okay with that than he has in awhile. He’s getting kind of accustomed to being at least mildly hungover, which probably isn’t great but drinking is the way he’s gotta make it through his days lately, so when he goes right to ordering a mimosa at breakfast nobody questions him.

He could have his pick of charming, decent breakfast foods here. There are a few takes on waffles that look interesting; even the simple pancakes are probably like, out of this world good. Doesn’t matter, though, ‘cuz when his time comes to order he just asks if they have Froot Loops. He helps himself to a small bowl and some milk, still kind of despising the way he feels he has to huddle over it.

As always, sunglasses hide any look on his face, so that’s cool.

The energy around the table is still _hella_ awkward, though, so that part sucks. Taako would’ve thought that last night would’ve loosened everyone up a little, but hardly anyone has anything to say at breakfast. He’s _trying_ not to take it personally; there’s no point in doing shit like that, but it’s difficult not to be paranoid that people are still walking on eggshells around him when he’s trying to keep the ground decidedly _shell free._ On the other hand, he wonders if maybe people aren’t just massively _hungover_ , ‘cuz last night was probably a big deal going by everyone else’s standards.

(He notices with a certain smug glee that Lup’s got a little bit of Lucretia’s usual light blue lipstick on her, and even despite everything, he can’t help but smile about it. She must notice, because she takes a brief break from chewing her cinnamon French toast to tell him to go _fuck off,_ mouthing it silently from across the table.)

“So how’s everyone _doing_ this morning?” He trills. “Last night was pretty _wild,_ huh?”

(Lucretia notices too. She averts her eyes.)

“Eh,” Merle is the first one to speak up with a casual shrug of the shoulders. “I’ve had wilder.”

Taako _knows_ , even with all his experience of the Las Vegas party scene, that this is true. Doesn’t quite know who would ever get desperate enough to party with _Merle Highchurch_ other than _this_ ragtag band of misfits, but he knows it’s happened. To his resentment (and pretty much _everyone’s_ astonishment), Merle’s been to some ragers in his time. As it stands, he’s pretty much completely unscathed by last night, even as Davenport nurses a headache next to him.

“Pff, yeah, yeah,” Taako murmurs. “Brag more, Merle. It’s _attractive._ Right, Dav?”

Davenport groans, too sick to blush or hide his face. “Shouldn’t’ve let you all talk me into this.”

“ _Talk_ you into this,” Taako scoffs sarcastically, and Magnus stops eating his breakfast burrito long enough to laugh. “ _Right._ You were enjoying it just as much as the _rest_ of us!”

Mags, bless him, high fives Taako from across the table in solidarity.

“We _all_ had a pretty good time, I think,” Lup manages to speak for the entire group, which is just so like her, really.

“Some of us more than others!” Taako smirks, well aware he’s being obnoxious, and she glares.

“Be that as it _may,_ ” she bounces back from it all calmly, probably trying not to give him the satisfaction of getting on her nerves, “ _some_ of you are way too used to partying too damn hard. Dunno how you do it. Ugh.”

“Being dead inside helps,” Taako chirrups merrily.

It’s meant to be a goof, but people don’t respond to it that way, which kind of kills the vibe. People only trip up for a moment, but that’s all they need before things get weird again, and Taako adjusts his hat to obscure his face even more before diving right back into his bowl of cereal.

“Also painkillers ‘n’ coffee,” Merle says after a moment in a more reassuring tone. “You kids need anything?”

“ _Yes,_ ” almost everyone but Taako admits, and he grins and cackles like a hyena. Lucretia’s fine, too, just because she was sober for the sake of everyone else or some shit.

“Sounds like a killer party,” the most upbeat voice from the table aside from himself finally speaks up, and Taako’s not at all surprised to find that Barry looks as refreshed and reborn as a blossom in the spring or some nonsense. “Too bad I missed it.”

“Was a real _rager,_ Barold,” Taako fills him in, finishing up the last of his cereal. “You would’ve _loved_ it.”

“You didn’t miss _much,_ babe,” Lup argues at the same time. “Don’t worry.”

To Taako’s delight, Barry notices Lucretia’s lipstick on her too, and he’s grinning somewhat mischievously and playfully about it. “You _sure_ about that, Lup? Seems I might’ve missed a _few_ things, at least.”

Taako high fives _him,_ too, way too glad about all of this as Lup gasps and playfully smacks his arm. “You two are such _assholes,_ ” she laments, as both Taako and Barry delight in the way she turns beet red about it. “Look what you’ve done to _Lucy!_ ”

They both glance at Lucretia, who’s so shy and embarrassed about this entire thing that she’s attempting to casually use a menu to hide her face. When Taako blurts out something like, “I think it’s more about what _you’ve_ done to Lucy, Lulu,” Barry pushes the glasses up on the bridge of his nose and laughs a little more awkwardly with him. Even Magnus joins in, which is great and rad.

“God, how did I forget you’re all _insufferable_ as friends,” his twin groans, sinking down a little in her seat.

“Got a lotta friendshippin’ to catch up on, what can we say,” Taako responds without missing a beat. “Lots of lost time, ‘s’all.” He’s surprised by the quickness and fluidity of this statement, that he’s _friends_ with Barry Bluejeans and maybe even the whole crew, and even though it’s undeniably true some part of him wonders why he doesn’t just refute it. Doesn’t he have a usual, “naw, don’t flatter yourself, all you chuckleheads can get _bent_ for all I care” vibe? Not very aloof today, and he notices and obscures his face a little more, just in case.

Lup notices this _too_ , he _knows_ she does. He can tell, just like when Lucretia looks at him sometimes, that Lup knows more than she lets on out of mercy or something. The feeling almost makes him squirm uncomfortably, but she’s a cool enough sister that she doesn’t put him on blast about it, for which he’s thankful. “Yeah, well,” she mumbles, “I hope you spend the majority of that time antagonizing someone _else._ ”

“You know we can’t promise _that,_ Lulu,” Taako chides.

“Hey! I antagonize everyone _the same,_ ” Magnus insists.

Barry kisses her on the cheek as she huffs and crosses her arms.

“Hey, so,” Taako begins casually after a moment, “speaking of, Barry--”

“‘Speaking _of,_ ’” Barry echoes, “oh god… What is it, Taako?”

“Well, nothing like _that,_ ” Taako insists.

“That seems likely,” Lucretia teases.

“No, _really!_ I was just gonna ask if you wanted to try _swimming_ today, but you _clearly_ don’t think that highly of me, _soooo_ \--”

“Oh, my god, please do it,” gasps Lup. “Please, please, _please._ ”

Barry’s face goes from giddy and gleeful to even a little paler than usual, and he starts stammering and attempting still to focus on his glasses, straightening them on his face. “Well,” he starts, “well, I dunno, Taako. We--we only have a limited amount of _time_ here, is the thing, and I dunno if you wanna waste this _great_ beach vacation on someone like _me_ \--”

“Excuses, excuses!” Merle cries out.

“You’re finally learning to _swim?_ ” Magnus is delighted.

With everyone looking in his direction, Barry gets flustered pretty quickly. “Well, well I mean, Taako _did_ promise to teach me, but uh--”

“Yup,” Taako answers simply, examining his nails. “I did ‘n’ he’s gonna.”

Magnus smiles so wide and so genuinely it almost puts everyone else to shame. “Way to _go,_ buddy! You’ll do great out there, I promise.”

“Uh, I mean, thanks Magnus, but I mean--”

“No prob!”

“He’s gonna sink like a stone,” Taako smirks, still glancing at his nails.

“ _Taako!_ ”

“Aw, c’mon! He _knows_ I’m not serious, Lup. I got his back out there. You know I’m good for it!”

Regardless of whether or not Barry takes this to heart or not, he ultimately agrees to follow through. Taako’s not gonna say it out _loud_ or nothin’, but he does have hella respect for the guy for facing what’s been one of his biggest fears for as long as they’ve _known_ one another, and he’ll definitely go easy on him. It’s nice to know that being so whacked out on dramamine or whatever for a day gave him enough energy, so when everyone’s done with breakfast, they hit the beach.

It might not be the ocean Taako loves, but he’s stupid amounts of invigorated as he surveys the surroundings. Lup brought a beach umbrella, natch, bright red ‘n’ sturdy in the sand. Everyone’s got several beach chairs, and of _course_  Mags followed through with the booze again, ‘cuz he’s the ultimate friend. People are even gonna be digging into some of Taako’s sandwiches later on in the day, and he tries to ignore the weird sort of anxious fluttering in his chest that he feels at the thought of people eating his food again. It’s all familiar enough that, in a weird way, it feels more like home than him for anything in a long time, and for one split moment it occurs to him that…

...that he might actually be… ...okay here.

Not _great._ Shit still wicked sucks, and he’s _terrified_ of whatever may lay dormant underneath the surface for him. But Taako represses memories effortlessly, the same way he’s gonna swim out there today. And he thinks he might even hold his own without getting _too_ wicked hammered ‘til swimming lessons are done.

Only time can tell, so he runs into the water with reckless abandon. Davenport’s made sure that they all have life jackets on hand if they go too deep--some _lameass law_ that clearly shouldn’t apply to expert swimmers like Taako, but does somehow--and Barry nearly grabs one from him before he wades out into the shallowest water imaginable. Lup cheers them both on, citing them both as her “ _favorite boys_ ” multiple times, and even Taako can’t help but grin at how cheesy she is.

“Holy _shit,_ ‘s _cold,_ ” Barry remarks, almost backing out.

“No shit, Barold,” Taako rolls his eyes. “It’s _water._ Just dunk your head under ‘n’ you’ll get used to it, promise.”

“Uh,” Barry protests. “Nope, I don’t think that I’m ready for--”

“No time like the _present,_ ” Taako insists.

“Taako, I _really_ don’t know about--”

“Okay, well don’t say I didn’t give you any chances.”

“What’re you… ...talking ab--”

It’s a jerk move, for sure, but Taako is by him and dunking his head under _right_ quick. It’s not a tight hold or anything. Barry just needs a little _push,_ and that’s all that Taako does, letting his head sit underwater for approximately one entire second before he resurfaces, sputtering like he’s drowning and about to _die_ or some dramatic shit.

“See? What’d I tell you? Not so bad, huh!”

“ _Fuck_ off,” Barry stutters with surprising bluntness, and Taako laughs. “I mean, you’re _right_ and I’m getting used to it… ...already, huh--weird--but _please_ don’t fucking pull that shit again.”

“What,” Taako sings, swimming a little around him, “you worried I hold your life in my hands like a small bird?”

“You _do,_ ” Barry insists. “What am I even _out_ here for?”

“For _her,_ ” Taako insists, nodding out to his sister, who’s playing with a beach ball with Magnus mostly. “You love her ‘n’ she thinks you can do it.”

The look on Barry’s face is kind of so precious it’s _dumb,_ but whatever. “Maybe so,” he admits, still a little ticked.

“And me,” Taako tells him triumphantly. “You care about us _both,_ _that’s_ why.”

“That one’s a little more negotiable right now.”

Taako scoffs. “Pch. Besides, you really think I can play _god_ with you out here? Huh? You have all the control here, dude. Taako’s just here to be your swim coach.”

“Sure didn’t feel that way when you _dunked me under,_ Taako.”

“Oh, _puh-lease!_ I’m a _string bean,_ Barry. I didn’t do _shit._ But if you’re _really_ not enjoying yourself ‘n’ you _really_ don’t wanna do this, go ahead ‘n’ head back to shore. This class ain’t for wimps ‘n’ quitters.”

Barry narrows his eyes suspiciously behind his dumb goggles. “...Really?”

“Deadass. If you don’t wanna be here, I ain’t wastin’ time on you, Bluejeans. Scram.”

He starts to head back, just as Taako _knows_ he will, but he turns back awful quick, just like Taako predicts. After a sigh, Taako’s left with a wicked grin enveloping his face, and Barry looks super resigned.

“Okay, then,” he says, “let’s get this over with.”

“‘Atta _boy,_ Barold!”

“Woo!! Love you, babe!” Lup cheers from far away.

He gives her an extremely shaky thumbs up.

For the next little while, things are weirdly blissful and basic. Taako becomes so wrapped up in the good vibes, the sunshine, the water that’s so comfortable to him, and making sure Barry doesn’t drown himself in four fucking feet of water somehow that it’s easy to let worries and troubles sort of drift away. It’s something he hasn’t been able to do without the use of substances in awhile, and he lets himself glide through the water so graceful and appreciate every _bit_ of it.

He still keeps such a wary eye on shore, which is stupid because it’s not like anyone who’s not part of the group knows he’s _here,_ and he _knows_ he’s safe. Eventually, he starts paying less and less attention to it, only a _little_ nervous when it gets to be about lunchtime and people are digging into his food.

It’s not very long, though, before he catches a glimpse of Magnus on his phone. And it’s not that sight that bothers him, or the look on his face exactly. It’s something else, some sort of abstract vibe, and he tries to wave it off as paranoia as quickly as possible because if there’s one thing Taako knows about himself, it’s that he has the potential to sabotage or outright ruin a good thing.

He’s _earned_ this, he tells himself.

He can _relax,_ he tells himself.

He’s been through a _lot_ recently, he tells himself, despite his better judgment.

And that’s when Magnus drops the sandwich _and_ the phone, frozen in place.

Taako feels physically sick before they even hit the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, that's it for this chapter. <3 sorry for keeping you guys waiting so long. trying to get back into the swing of writing! love you all.


	19. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for death, emetophobia (just a sort of mention thing), drowning, attempted suicide (kind of). this one's a doozy, folks. dedicated to Rids, tho. they def know why. <3

It’s lunchtime when it happens.

Lup’s been playing volleyball with everyone on dry land for a few hours, and it’s been pretty fun. Mags is leader of the opposing team, and it’s mostly been them dicking around together with assistance from the other players. She got Lucretia, obviously, who’s surprisingly adept at batting a beach ball around; Mags got both Davenport _and_ Merle, which seemed only fair (although both of them have been better at this than she anticipated).

It’s a fairly even match, but Lup and Lucy are up by exactly one point when Magnus’s phone rings from over by one of the beach chairs ‘n’ towels. Everyone’s taking a short break anyway to try some of Taako’s sandwiches, which are pretty much as to die for as Lup thought they’d be. She’s settling down beneath her umbrella, shades on and worries floating away, and Magnus takes the call and tells everyone he’ll be back in just a sec.

“‘kay, but you better hurry _back_ so we can _waste_ you!” She calls cheerfully after him. “These sandwiches are _only delaying the inevitable!!_ ”

There’s no denying the amount of stress they’ve all been under lately, but Lup almost feels like she’s able to relax, kick back with a margarita and chill. That doesn’t stop her from keeping a close and careful watch on both Barry and Taako, though; her elven eyes see all, and she particularly hones in on her brother. To her relief, he seems to be actually enjoying himself, and she feels her heart flutter with more love for her husband than she thought possible as he tries to learn to swim even with someone so smug swimming laps around him.

She’s so _lucky,_ is all she can think.

Even a few years back, the scene before her would have seemed so impossible. Lup always thought that she was _fine_ with just Barry, that even though she was _sad_ the group disbanded it was for the best, but this is the first time she’s admitted to herself… ...how much she _missed_ them. Of course she missed her twin brother, but she missed them _all,_ and to have everyone back in her life is almost too good to be true at this moment. The domesticity of everything is where she thrives; the bakery is her life, and she doesn’t _need_ her name up in flashing lights to be happy, but… ...but maybe there’s a way she can have that and her family too.

She feels lazy, content. Nothing can go wrong.

Until it does.

It’s silly, looking back on it, but Lup spots Taako’s _gaze_ first, and he looks… ...terrified. That’s what gets her to follow his gaze to Magnus, to notice that he’s dropped his sandwich and he’s dropped his phone and it looks--oh, it looks _bad._ Her breath catches in her throat in a weird way, a way she’s maybe become too familiar with recently, and she’s on autopilot as she makes her way over to Magnus.

“Mags? Everything okay?” It’s a misunderstanding, it’s fine, it’s--

Magnus sinks to the ground, and instantly everything is _not_ okay. Thankfully, others seem to notice, all coming over to voice concern. Everyone is making their way over to Magnus now, including Barry, with Taako trailing hesitantly behind him. She can read _that_ look on her brother’s face, too; he doesn’t want to face whatever this is, wants to run, and she can relate so wholeheartedly that her _chest aches_ with it.

“Magnus? What’s wrong?”

He’s just staring straight ahead, as though he can’t comprehend the scenery. He looks shocked and in a daze; this is another thing with which Lup’s familiar, and it almost makes her nauseous. His arms are hanging limply at his sides, his phone is still on the ground, and nothing about this is _right._ Just a few moments ago he was a shining beacon of light, of hope for everyone. He made Lup feel safe and warm; he went out of his way to make _Taako_ feel safe, too. But something is gravely, awfully wrong in his life now, and it--it _fucking sucks._

“I-It’s Julia,” he finally stammers, voice far away. “I can’t… I’m sorry, guys, I can’t…”

“Take your time,” Merle reassures him, nice and calm.

“I’m sorry, I don’t--” Magnus says again. “She’s… ...she’s gone.”

A knife is twisting its way into Lup’s heart and gut. Fuck.

“She--she was--she was at a protest. And… ...and this police officer or something…”

_Fuck._

“You guys,” Magnus murmurs in absolute disbelief, “Julia’s _dead._ ”

**_Fuck._ **

Lucretia’s the first to say anything. “Oh, no, Magnus. Oh, _no,_ I’m… I’m so, so sorry.”

“Fuck,” Lup echoes in absolute shock. “Holy _fuck,_ Mags, I… I don’t even know what to say, baby.”

Everyone is just saying variants of the same thing. No one knows what to say, but everyone is so sorry this happened. Tears have sprung forth from Lup’s eyes, because--because the universe wasn’t allowed to touch _Magnus._ It could fuck all the rest of them over--hell, it _had--_ but not him, not their protector and their rock. It wasn’t fucking _fair,_ and she knows she’s crying for him and she knows Barry has his arms wrapped around her, and then she knows that Davenport asks if he needs space at the same time Merle wonders if a hug will do, and he doesn’t seem to protest to a hug.

Magnus has given them so much. He’s been so warm and so strong for them _all,_ so accepting and kind in the face of _everything,_ and he gives the _best_ hugs in their entire group. So it’s only fair now that all of them take their time to hug him back, all at once, as he sobs and shakes with the wretchedness of the entire world crashing down upon him. It’s almost like they want to form a protective huddle around him, Lup thinks deliriously, to keep him from harm. They stay that way for a long time, just because there’s nothing else to do. All of them offer to help Magnus in whatever way he might need, to help him pack if he needs, to accompany him back home for moral support.

“Thanks, guys,” he murmurs hollowly. “I--I really appreciate it. I’ll figure it out.”

He probably can’t think right now. She can’t blame him.

And that’s when Lup notices that she hasn’t heard from her brother at all. She _hopes_ she’s being paranoid, or that he’s just being quiet out of respect, but she didn’t even _see_ him during the hug. She’s lost track of Taako, and she frantically scans the group of people just to be sure, but he’s--

\--but he’s gone.

Everyone’s talking their way through grief appropriately as her eyes try to spot him in the surrounding area, but he’s not anywhere on land she can spot and he’s not visibly in the water. She doesn’t want to be insensitive. There’s so much going _on_ right now, and she doesn’t want to make it worse, and she curses Taako inwardly for darting off during something like this and leaving her to worry _again._ But eventually, she _has_ to voice it and break away from the group, even if she hates herself and him every second.

“Um, I’m so sorry, guys,” Lup stammers and apologizes, “but I… I can’t find Taako. He’s probably just playing in the water or something, let me um, hold on, okay? I’m so fucking _sorry._ ”

“I’ll search with you,” Barry promises seriously, but she kind of needs a better swimmer on her side.

“Okay, uh, thanks babe,” Lup manages, profoundly distracted.

“I will, too,” Lucy reassures her.

“Okay, thanks. I promise we’ll only be a _second,_ okay? Don’t worry about it.”

Lup doesn’t know whether she’s talking to them or herself.

 

* * *

 

 

It happens as soon as he hears the news.

Taako hears the words “Julia” and “dead” in the same sentence and the whole world… ... _slants_ off-kilter. He watches it slant to the side as though dying, the whole world, his whole life; everything around him feels made up, like some cruel cosmic game or sick joke. He can swear it’s some play conjured up by some sicko, that his life’s become a sitcom about taking pleasure in someone else’s pain and he’s not _playing._ He feels like he might faint, at first, but he doesn’t, and he’s proud of himself for resisting the urge to run off and vomit neatly onto the sand somewhere.

Instead, his feet carry him, without question or complaint, to the water.

He keeps a firm grasp on his hat and wades deeper, deeper until the water is worth more than the whole of him. Taako waits until he’s _sure_ his feet don’t touch the bottom, that he can’t get back up for air, going to water so deep that it’s proof Davenport’s lifejacket rule isn’t bullshit, and for a moment he feels calm. He forces himself down, down, and purposefully substitutes water for air until his lungs are full to the brim with lake.

His consciousness is fading. Good.

His arms are limp. Good.

Drowning people don’t thrash; drowning people can’t scream.

Dying people are another story, he thinks.

Bits and pieces come rushing back to him, things he’s tried so hard to forget or repress, especially the more the darkness overtakes him. He knows with certainty under that water that he’s felt this at least _partially_ before, and he knows why, and for a moment he almost feels… ...peaceful about it, resigned. He’s almost _glad_ he took the plunge, because now the world outside of this is irrelevant, is nothing to him, but he shakes that apathy from his mind once he’s able to float outside his body and witness it for himself.

There is a purpose to this, this time.

“Hey, you bony motherfucker,” he calls out into the void. “Come _get_ some!”

Nothing happens. He waits, no longer peaceful and fuzzy and instead  _shaking_ with rage even though--even though he’s a _spirit_ again, even though his body is nothing to him at this moment. He could spit fire, tacks, and poison all in the same fucking breath, but he’s stubborn and he _waits._

“Uh, hey Reaper, you _deaf?_ Come and **_get me!!_ ** ”

Nothing but the sound of water filling up pockets where sounds used to be.

He waits a moment, then tries again. “ _Kravitz,_ you miserable horrible awful _piece of shit_ \--”

And there he is.

He’s all skeletal now, just for a moment. Taako watches as he transforms before his eyes, but whatever. Neat parlor trick, not the time or place. To the elf’s fury, he’s using that Cockney accent again, the one that Taako _knows_ for a _fact_ is bullshit. “You’re probably pretty angry,” he says, “and I understand that. Very common for--”

“Hey, fuck that and _fuck you,_ ” Taako spits. “I’m not here to hear your orientation and stupid _accents_ this time, so can you do us _both_ a favor and just _cut the shit?_ Thanks.”

“ _Excuse_ me? Look, I don’t know who you think you are, but my accents happen to be vital and _important_ to my line of _work._ ”

“You sound like a ‘ _Sweeney Todd’ reject, asshole,_ ” Taako snarls, “and it’s _Taako. From TV._ Ring any _bells?_ ”

Something seems to click, and the shock must be why Kravitz sheds the human appearance for his true skeletal form again. It occurs to Taako that he _should_ be afraid, that he _should_ at least be intimidated by the sight of a ghastly skeleton with twinkling eye sockets and a scythe in front of him, but he isn’t even fazed. Maybe it’s because Kravitz’s face betrays him so much. “...Taako? I… I _remember_ you.”

Well, the accent’s gone, at least.

“Yeah, well, you _should._ I’m _noteworthy,_ you prick. I’m a _celebrity._ ”

“Not much time for television,” Kravitz muses. “I’m… I’m pretty busy. What--what are you--what are you _doing_ here? That nasty bloke--sorry, _guy,_ he’s just a guy--he didn’t, uh… ...you told me you wouldn’t go back, it’s way too _soon_ for you to--”

“This has nothing to _do_ with Sazed,” Taako insists, and as he says it his heart _hurts_ in a way he’s been trying not to think about for a lot of days. “He didn’t kill me. _I_ killed me.”

Kravitz tries to process this. “You… ...killed yourself? Oh, Taako.” He looks sympathetic.

Taako could punch him in his goddamn face. “It’s not _like_ that, okay? Shut up and let me _talk._ I have a proposition for you, Bone Boy, and you _better_ listen up. You stupid **_fucker._** You miserable piece of _trash,_ I--”

“I’m listening,” Kravitz says, which almost throws him off. “What on earth have I done to make you so angry? You _mortals._ You throw your lives away, I give ‘em back, you throw ‘em away _again…_ ...oh, the Queen won’t like this…”

“I said _shut up,_ ” Taako hisses, and apparently he sounds pretty goddamn serious, because Kravitz does. “I don’t give a shit about your _Queen,_ or your _accents,_ or your stupid shitty _job,_ or your wannabe Victorian _Goth_ thing, I don’t give a _shit,_ okay? I’m here to make you an _offer._ ”

Somehow Taako can _tell_ what emotions flicker across this guy’s face, which is weird since his “face” is just a skull. He’s trying to reject Taako, turn him away, get back to work, but Taako’s _too charismatic_ for this loser so he’s intrigued, naturally. “What… ... _kind_ of offer?”

Taako feels angry tears pricking at his eyes, hot and indignant and _too emotional,_ and he hates everything about them. “Well, well today you _fucked up,_ ” he screeches, and it sounds every bit as emotional and raw as he feels, and he wants to fold in on himself. Tears are running down what should be his nonexistent cheeks. “Today you fucked up _somethin’ awful_ and you took someone _really special_ and dear to my _friend_ and uh, excuse me if I don’t _cotton_ to that shit. I’m here ‘cuz you took someone really _great away_ and I wanna _fix_ it.”

“ _Fix_ it? Taako, you can’t _fix death._ That’s… ...I’m sorry to tell you that’s not how it works--”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t seem to have any problem bringing _me_ back to life!”

“And I gave you _more time,_ you can’t just--”

“I was _supposed to die,_ ” Taako howls.

“Well, you’re _not_ now, so I can’t just--”

“Take me _instead._ ”

“Taako, I _can’t--_ ”

“Take me **_instead._ ** ”

“I _can’t--_ ”

“God **_damn_ ** it, Kravitz. Take me **_INSTEAD!!_ ** ” He screeches, his throat raw with screaming even though it shouldn’t be because right now he doesn’t _have_ one. Kravitz is silent now. “I do **_nothing_ ** for this world, okay? What impact do I have? I make myself look pretty, I make my _sister_ feel bad, and then I go get trashed because I can’t _handle_ my own shit. This girl you just took today, my friend Magnus’s _wife?_ She was _amazing._ She devoted her life to making the world a better place, and you just--you just--”

He curls up again, sinks down. There is no floor. There is no anything.

“You just _took her,_ ” Taako murmurs, tears still spilling down his face. “You just took her away, and now the world’s a little less good for it. _She_ deserves a second chance, not me.”

Kravitz watches him carefully, with sympathy, before approaching and kneeling down. “You’re talking about Julia Burnsides, aren’t you?”

Taako doesn’t even have the heart to nod.

“Listen, Taako,” Kravitz tries, “I am _terribly_ sorry for your friend’s loss. I am. She seems like a wonderful person. But she… ...she was _okay,_ Taako, I promise. I… I took her where she ought to go. She was _peaceful;_ she was _happy;_ she did all she wanted and needed to with her life. I can’t bring her back. I don’t think she’d… ...even want to come back like you.”

“What about _Magnus?_ ” Taako croaks helplessly, looking up at him. “He’s _devastated._ ”

“And what do you think he needs right now, hm?” Kravitz’s voice is soft and gentle. Taako can’t decide how he feels about it. “You think he needs one of his friends trying to kill himself right now, or do you think he might need your _support?_ And what about all your _other_ friends? Your _sister?_ You’d be putting them in a really difficult situation.”

Taako draws himself up tighter, tighter and smaller, this time saying nothing.

“Taako,” Kravitz tries, and he reaches over and wipes a tear away, “Taako, it’s not your time yet. That’s why I was late, I think. You have… ...so much _good_ to give the world, too, that you don’t… ...understand. But if even I can see it in you, I _bet_ all those other people can. I gave you a second chance because… ...there’s so much left for you to _do,_ Taako. Please don’t squander it.”

Taako’s silent again as he listens to Kravitz’s words. “Okay, so… ...so I’m not dying. So what do I--what do I do _now?_ ”

“Try your best,” Kravitz tells him with a soft smile. “That’s all you need to do, Taako, and you’ll do a wonderful job. But I have other people to tend to now, other souls that need my--”

“Wait,” Taako finds himself blurting out before he can stop himself.

Kravitz turns back. “What is it?”

Even the elf is surprised when he leans in, real soft and gentle and quick, and gives him a peck on the cheek. He’s flushed with blood he doesn’t have; he’s so _embarrassed,_ and he probably seems so desperate and weird, and his heart races. “Kinda sad when Death’s sweeter’n my ex.”

He kind of relishes in the stunned look on Kravitz’s face.

“Okay, then, I’ll get back in my body now. Um, see you ‘round. Thanks for everything.”

“No problem,” Kravitz murmurs, placing a hand against his cheek.

Taako gives him one last sly wink.

 

* * *

 

 

Davenport is the one to fish Taako out of the lake.

He’s been trained on what to do, and he successfully administers CPR. Taako spits up water and gasps, looking dazed as Lup hugs him tearfully and tells him that she’s _so glad_ he’s okay, and how could he be so _selfish,_ and she was so _worried_ and it’s a lot right now but they can make it together, and he…

...he shivers, but in the end, he clings to Magnus for warmth.

“We’ll get through our shit, big fella,” he promises.

For Magnus’s sake, he tries to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh boy, i've been sitting on this chapter and idea for a _long_ time, so i'm very nervous to put it out there. i hope it's decent, nonetheless, and thanks everyone for reading.  <3 i appreciate it always.


	20. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for grief.

The days that follow are a haze to Magnus.

He can barely think straight, but he has to get packed. Everyone helps him with his bags, occasionally asking what goes where, and he tries to focus enough to tell them. He has to start planning a service, and he… ...numbly does, putting most of his focus into that. There’s not a lot of room for crying or anything like that, not just yet. He just goes through the motions.

He can’t afford to get drunk yet, so he lets everyone else take the booze. They _all_ insist upon coming with him, though, ‘cuz they’re practically his family, so they’re all invited to the funeral. He spends the ride up with Lucretia, who’s letting him lean on her, and Merle and Davenport, who are in the front seats.

He just wants to stay quiet. Everyone respects it. He’s quiet as he watches the desert go by, so beautiful and empty. Lucretia starts to stroke his hair just a little and he doesn’t mind it, letting her kind of hum meaningless comfort at him. He feels dazed; he’s in shock still, maybe. Doesn’t feel much. Just wants to get through this… ...process and then he can feel afterwards, maybe.

“Sorry about this, you guys,” he apologizes.

It’s not his fault, but he feels bad. Taako needed him to be okay right now, _Lup_ needed him to be okay right now, probably _everybody_ needed him to be okay right now, and instead, his wife died. While he was away from home. By some Officer Kalen’s hand. His mind skips over that like a record. Can’t think about it too much yet. Some weird part of him feels like he might get to see her when he’s back home, greet her with a smile.

“Julie, I’m _home,_ ” he’d yell, in the style of some old-fashioned sitcom.

She’d come running out to greet him, nearly strong enough to lift him up herself and plant a lipstick-red kiss on him that he’d enjoy so much. He’d waste a moment getting lost in those sharp green eyes of hers, and it was always so good to come home to her scent, sandalwood and apple blossoms mixing and mingling so delightfully. He can imagine the things she’d say she’d be up to, he can imagine the way she’d listen so raptly to details of this trip and demand to meet all of his old buddies.

All of it’s so close.

But it’s not waiting for him at home.

Hours blend into nothing and at some point, Davenport pulls through an In-n-Out burger and asks if anyone wants anything. They’re hoping Magnus’ll get something, he can tell, and he humors them and gets a root beer. But he’s not hungry enough for anything else, even though Merle offers him some fries. His stomach turns at the thought of food, but he does finally slip out his phone and slide his earbuds in his ears.

 _I will rise from the swamp_ __  
_where they dumped my private plane,_  
_I’ll be clutching the life_  
_preserver in my teeth,_  
_and I will find the highway,_  
_and I will flag down a truck,_  
_worry lines on my forehead,_  
blank stare underneath…

 _...and when I come_  
_back to town,_  
_I’m gonna cast_  
_my burden down,_  
_a little worse for wear._  
Practically walking on air!

It’s an odd choice, and he doesn’t know why he’s lingering on it. There are plenty of other songs more fitting for Julia (“So Desperate” flashes through his mind, and it _hurts_ ), and plenty of other songs more fitting for him and the situation in general. But there’s something about this one, the idea that he’s going home to enact vengeance, that makes things seem a little more manageable. He can’t actually _fathom_ what a life without Julia might hold for him, so he doesn’t try.

He just listens to them on shuffle for a while.

 _The city’s 60 miles away as_  
_the sunset tries desperately_  
_to break through the grey,_  
_and the stardust came down,_  
_royal blue, as the San Bernardino sky_  
_showered over you._  
__  
Someday, something’s coming  
_from way out beyond the stars,_  
_to_ **_kill_ ** _us while we stand here._  
_It’ll store our brains in mason jars,_  
_and then the girl behind the counter,_  
_she asks me how I feel today:  
_ **_I feel like Lovecraft in Brooklyn._ **

_Red, red everywhere,_  
_bright red along the canvas wall._  
_I stepped outside for a little air,_  
_I stepped outside to get away from it all._  
_I went out front and I saw the purple sky_  
making jokes about my condition.

 _And someone leads_  
_the beast in on his chain,_  
_but I know you’re thinking of me_  
_‘cuz it’s just about to rain…_  
_So I won’t be afraid_  
of anything ever again.

The skies open up ahead of them, booming with thunder and crackling with lightning, and rain starts pouring down in absolute sheets. Davenport curses a little under his breath, anxious about driving in such poor weather, but Merle reassures him with a squeeze of the hand and some words that sound _way_ too zen that he’s got this, he’ll be okay.

In a weird way, that helps.

He turns the music off and lets the rain lull him to sleep as Lucretia hums quietly.

She always kinda was the mom, even though she’s the baby.

He dreams of her. He dreams of her and it’s all been some silly nightmare, she’s alive and well and thinks he’s silly for even driving _all the way back home_ when she’s fine, and she takes him in her arms and holds him as he sobs and he--

\--and he’s aware of Lucretia now, comforting him.

“Shh, Magnus… Shh…”

He comes to. “She’s… ... _gone._ ”

“I know,” Lucretia reassures him. “I know, and I’m so sorry.”

He avoids sleep after that. Gets an energy drink at a gas station and chugs it down. It’s grape-flavored, so it’s not so bad. Has to stop to pee at someplace, who even cares. It keeps him awake enough to finally see home coming into view, and without being fully aware of what he’s doing, he asks Davenport to pull over to a gas station, please. Near his house.

Davenport obliges, and Magnus thinks maybe he just needs some fresh air.

Maybe he’ll feel better once he--takes a distant look at his hometown and--

\--and says, “Well, I guess now I’m _definitely_ gettin’ a dog, huh, guys?”

And he faints.

When he comes to, there’s no Julia. Just six other faces. Willing and ready to help him out. Lup hands him a Xanax because he needs something a little strong to help him sleep and calm his nerves, and when he takes it, it dulls the pain that’s already dulled. Calm seeps into him, and he starts to slur just slightly.

“Hey, buddy,” he says, as friendly and calm as he can manage.

Taako’s ears perk up and he _tenses,_ so unlike Magnus in this moment, but he does come and sit beside him on the bed. “Hey, Maggo,” he tries. Something’s not right about his eyes, but Magnus is too out of it to realize what it is.

“You doin’ okay?”

“Pfft,” Taako spits noncommittally. “Not important. How’re _you,_ big fella?”

“Well, kinda bad, Taako,” Magnus says. “My wife died.”

“Yeah,” he says, his fingers skittering nervously. “I know. I’m so sorry for your loss, my man.”

“She was so _beautiful._ ”

“Yeah?”

“ _Yeah…_ …’n’ talented… ...she loved me so much, and I loved _her._ We were _good,_ Taako.”

“Yeah. I know you were, Magsy.”

“You deserve… ...someone like her for _you._ She _never_ would’ve poisoned… ...me. She _loved_ me.”

Taako’s going quiet. “Th--that’s sweet, Magsy. Hey, um, don’t take this personally or anything, but I gotta go. Have a good night, dude. Get some rest.”

“Mmkay,” shrugs Magnus. “‘Nighty-night, Taako…”

He’s out without even changing into pajamas.  


* * *

 

Taako’s been getting by, all things considered.

He’s been _trying_ to, anyway, but time without Magnus in the car means time without needing to stay strong and look after the big fella. Means that Barry’s driving the car and Lup’s in the backseat, fussing over him something awful. She’s not _blatant_ about it or anything; she knows better than to do that, to let in on the fact that she’s worried with words. But she keeps squeezing his hand and smiling at him, and he keeps noticing that she has bags under her eyes, and he knows she’s doing her best, but.

Ugh.

Time without Magnus means that now _he’s_ the traumatized one who needs all the attention, means that everyone is concerned about _him,_ and right now he doesn’t particularly want to deal with it. He keeps his big sunglasses on to obscure his face and keep the sun out of his eyes, tipping his hat that still smells just like the beach over his face, just so he can feign being asleep. Just so people can leave him alone and he doesn’t have to _think_ about anything, which he doesn’t. He’s an elf, so he meditates right there in the backseat, zoning out and letting everything drift as much as he possibly can. Lup assumes he’s asleep, he thinks, so she starts running her fingers through his hair and humming, and that’s nearly enough to make him genuinely heavy with sleep and swimming and sun.

Meditation becomes sleep right quick, only this time he _knows_ he leans into her, cold with lake water and needy. He feels himself whimpering as she reassures him as softly and gently as possible, but he’s too goddamn mentally and physically worn out to feel self-conscious or weird about it. At least if he drifts into sleep he can’t be a burden on anyone else during a time like this, so he lets himself do it. He’s on the cusp of realizing--he _knows_ he is--but he can stop it. Doesn’t have to think about it.

He sleeps most of the way there. He dreams about… ...about a hotel room? _His_ hotel room. And Sazed… ...flowers on the bed, bath salts… ...his favorite tacos from his favorite place, a margarita, some pink wine… ...and then everything just sort of… ...tilts out of focus, becomes nothing.

He wakes up to Lulu trying to soothe him, trying to pet his hair, but he doesn’t _want_ to be touched. He doesn’t _need_ to be touched. He doesn’t need to be comforted. He’s tense and _grasping_ her hand like he’ll die if he lets go, and she lets him.

“You okay?”

“Yes,” he lies, knowing it’s a lie, but he doesn’t fucking _care_ because he’s not ready for this, good lord, he’s not _ready_ at all. “I’m cool. Totally cool. Totally fine.”

“Okay, babe,” Lup answers, and she’s studying him carefully, but he does not give a shit. “We’re here, though.”

There’s a pit of dread in his stomach.

“Mags kinda… ...fainted, so I’m gonna go help lift him inside. Um, you can come if you want, but don’t feel--”

 _Fuck._ He _fainted._ “I, um,” he says calmly, “am not sure if I can handle that right now, Lulu. Sorry.”

He feels like such a terrible piece of shit. Magnus came rushing over to help him, was so willing to provide exactly what he needed, and yet he’s too overwhelmed to confront his grief. It’s not fair at all, but Lulu says it’s fine and understandable, honestly, and to just come inside when he’s ready.

He stares at her blankly. He’ll _never_ be ready.

He sits calmly.

When he finally comes in to have the talk with Mags, he’s drugged out. Too drugged out to be sensitive in the way fucking _everyone else_ is being right now, and it only takes one bit reaching his ears--”she’d never poison me”--for him to decide he needs to get the fuck out of this situation right now. He says his goodnights, wishes the best for Magnus when all is said and done, manages to find his way to--a closet? Which is good enough, he closes the door so tight and slight no one even has to know he’s in here.

Hyperventilating.

Because Sazed _poisoned_ him--

Sazed _killed_ him--

His eyes are shut tight. He’s clasping his hands over his ears, hat obscuring every bit of his face. He’s trying not to think about it, the way things got to woozy--the way he--saw Kravitz the first time, his own _body--_ the _pain--_ he can almost _feel_ it again and after a little while, he’s grasping at the closet door with shaky hands. He’s finding Lucretia sitting by the door, as though she’s been waiting for him to come out.

“I _need_ some of that Xanax, _please,_ ” he begs of her, stumbling out of the closet. “Please, _help me_ know what to _do._ ”

She holds him close instead. He weirdly doesn’t mind it. “I will speak to Lup about the Xanax,” she says softly, “but you are doing just fine, Taako, considering the circumstances.”

“Wait a minute,” he has the sense enough to ask, ears perking up. “Where’s Lup?”

“She is a tad overwhelmed herself right now, Taako. She asked that I keep an eye out for you.”

Lup’s been _overwhelmed._ She’s been overwhelmed and she hasn’t _told_ him that because _he_ overwhelmed her. This stupid situation _overwhelmed_ her, but mostly it’s his _fault._ He’s running to the door and he’s not sure why, putting an ear to the door and listening at least.

Lup is _bawling her eyes_ out. She doesn’t even barely have a voice, but his elven ears can make out ”just _too much”_ and “worried for _everyone”_ and all he needs to know is that his sister’s hurting, hurting because of _him._ Hurting for Magnus, and hurting for him, and because of him and how he’s handled everything. He recoils from the door and the words and the sobs like they’re going to _bite_ him--

\--and finds himself in Lucretia’s arms again. “I’m a _burden._ ”

“Not at all,” Lucretia reassures him. “You’re just going through quite a difficult time. We hurt for you because we love you. Surely you can understand that.”

He thinks about how much he hurts for Magnus, so much it makes him sick. How much Lup’s pain almost _physically_ hurts him. “Yeah,” he whispers, trying to be soft. “I guess. But I’m sick of it and so’s everyone else, so… ...so how do we escape it?”

“We don’t, Taako,” Lucretia answers him truthfully. “We pull through, and we do so together. Magnus is not alone in his grief now. We’ll be there for him every step of the way. And similarly, we’ll be there for _you._ I promise.”

“I guess,” he says again.

When it seems like it’s quieted down enough, she goes to get some Xanax from Lup.

He’ll have to reach out to her soon, too.

Life is exhausting, so he takes that shit with water and goes right to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, writing this took _awhile_ and i hope it's decent.  <3;; drew a lot from my own experiences w this one. i actually went thru a horrible period of time last month where my life *became* Vegas and i had a traumatic breakup, so. thank u so much for reading and caring. i love u all.


	21. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for grief, death, a funeral, etc

Merle wakes up the morning of the funeral as a shepherd tending to his flock.

He rises early and easy because it helps to get a glimpse of a beautiful desert sunrise and have some time with your own thoughts. He tiptoes through the house quietly, makes himself a nice cup of iced tea, and then goes out and sits on the porch swing to take it all in. It’s a moment of quiet and calm; Magnus’s neighborhood is small ‘n’ no one’s up yet, seems like. Some folks might like to call moments like this deceptive when he knows what’s to come.

Merle deems them necessary. This moment of peace and prayer (he’s always praying to Pan sort of offhandedly, but he takes his _time_ with it today, devout and decisive) is going to keep him going all day and make sure that _all_ of his loved ones are being watched over on such a tough day. He takes some time to genuinely appreciate the beauty of nature around him, the red rock, the blues and then pinks and oranges of the sunrise… ...he takes some time to _breathe._

He’s joined by Davenport, which is a shame, ‘cuz he was hoping not to wake him up.

“Aw, shit,” he says bluntly. “Didn’t mean to wake you.”

“‘S’okay, Merle,” Davenport reassures him awkwardly, sipping his own bottle of water. “I… ...I couldn’t sleep well last night anyways. I um, usually don’t, but… ...y’know.” He rubs his face just a little, and Merle can spy the dark bags under his eyes and truly feels for the man. “‘m worried.”

“Nobody could blame you for that, Davenport,” Merle reassures him as he puts a hand on his shoulder. “I think we’re all a little worried right now.”

“Y-You always seem so _calm,_ though, Merle,” Davenport stammers.

He laughs. “Does it seem that way? Nah. Just granting myself a little bit of peace before… ...the whole day catches up to me, y’know? It’s important to have that.”

“I guess,” the gnome says, in a way that suggests he’s never had that in his entire life.

They sit in silence, watching the sun start to take its proper place in the sky.

“It’s up to us, you know,” Davenport says. “We’re like the… ...the parents. We have to help them.”

“I know,” Merle sighs, thinking of his own biological family and wondering how the hell he got saddled with _two_ as he sways on the swing. “I know, but we will, y’know. It’ll be okay. We just have to look after everyone extra careful lately, and…” He looks at Davenport, really _looks_ at him sincerely and how haggard and tense he seems, and he feels a pang of sympathy. “...and make sure they’re lookin’ out for each other, and that we’re lookin’ out for _ourselves._ ”

“I just can’t help but think,” Dav starts, and Merle knows where he’s going with this, “that if Magnus hadn’t come to visit me, if you guys hadn’t come to visit me, then maybe--”

“Don’t.” He straightens his glasses and risks putting his arm around the gnome just a little. “Don’t do that to yourself, Dav. There’s no _point,_ okay? People go when it’s their time. She lived a good life. We’re all _glad_ you’re here and we’re getting to see you.” He certainly is. Davenport is someone he feels incredibly close to.

“Thanks, Merle,” Davenport says, voice shaky.

“Only tellin’ the truth,” Merle shrugs. “That’s all.”

“W-Well I, um… ...appreciate your version of the truth,” says Davenport very seriously. “I… ...value it, even. Um.”

The morning is beautiful and ripe for it, and Merle’s not one for failing to seize the moment if he can help it. “You want a kiss?”

He’s bright red and sputtering. Of _course_ he is. Davenport is delightfully awkward, and that’s _exactly_ one of the things Merle loves about the gnome. “From--from _you?_ But are you _ready?_ Your divorce has been so _messy,_ I know, and it’s been so much with the kids and everything, and I just want to make sure that you’re--”

Merle kisses him to shut him up. “Today’s as good a day as any, right?”

Davenport looks shocked, then relaxes into the kiss, then looks at him with such a lovestruck smile that it nearly makes up for all the things awaiting them today. He stares into Davenport’s eyes, blue as the lake, and holds his hand. As he sips his tea and rocks back and forth on the porch swing with the gnome, the day seems almost perfect.

And then, when they’ve had their moment, they’re both ready to face the day. Merle finishes up his ice tea with an exaggerated _“ah”_ of pleasure. Davenport doesn’t stop holding his hand. They’re ready now when they come back into the house to find Magnus already on the phone with someone about the service, that it should be a celebration of her life above _all_ things. Davenport wears a brave and stiff upper lip and offers to help him go pick out a casket. Lucretia and Barry are going to go help pick up some pictures and put together a slideshow and testament of her life. Lucretia’s offered to write the obituary, too, which seems extremely appropriate and appreciated.

Merle takes stock of the rest of his flock, face kind and ready. That leaves the twins, who haven’t left their rooms.

He figured it’d be like this. Both Lup and Taako always need to be running, though, Taako especially. So he figures it can’t hurt to ask ‘em both, poking his head in. He asks Lup first. “Hey -- wanna go out and help me pick flowers for this thing?” It’s an inelegant way of wording it, but it gets the job done.

Lup blinks up at him in surprise. “Uh, I dunno, Merle. I’m a little overwhelmed right now.”

“I heard,” Merle says sympathetically. “You need to talk about it?”

“Nah,” she insists, and he realizes she’s wiping tears from her eyes. “I’m--I’m good. It’s selfish for me to be overwhelmed right now, anyway.”

“How’s that selfish? Anyone’d be overwhelmed in your position.”

“Well, _yeah,_ ” she admits, and he comes to sit down on the bed beside her. She allows it, still kind of sniffling and wiping tears from her eyes. “But everyone else has so much _more_ of a reason to be overwhelmed, Merle. What right do I have to be overwhelmed by my brother _dying_ and coming back to life, when he’s the one going through it? What right do I have to be overwhelmed by some abusive scumbag totally wrecking his shop, when _he’s_ the one hurting? And Magnus, I… ...god, what right do I have to be overwhelmed about _that?_ But it’s just so _much,_ Merle. It’s just _so much_ and I’ve been trying to keep it together for Taaks ‘n’ Mags especially but I feel like I might--”

Her lip wobbles, and he _feels_ for her.

“--I feel like I might go off the deep end. I--I don’t know what to do.”

Merle wraps her in a hug. It’s a little awkward ‘cuz he’s so small, but she appreciates it anyway. “Listen, kiddo,” he says carefully, looking into her eyes and how puffy they are with tears, “you feel overwhelmed ‘cuz it’s overwhelming, right? This is a _lot of shit_ for all of us to go through, ‘specially all at once. It’s _okay_ that you need some time. It’s important to take care of yourself too, y’know. It’s important to look after yourself, or you’re not gonna be much help to _anybody,_ understand?”

“I just don’t know how,” she babbles, frazzled. “It’s just surrounding me at--at all fuckin’ _sides_ right now, Merle. And I just don’t know how to take a break--I don’t know how to _stop worrying,_ I don’t know how to--”

This is the right time. He knows. Merle casts Calm Emotions.

“God damn it, Merle,” Lup says, but her voice is more relaxed now. “Not like _that._ ”

“I know, Lup,” Merle tells her gently. “But I need you to have a clear head and think about this. Why don’t you come out to look for flowers with me? It’ll be good for you, I think.”

“But--but what about Taako? I can’t leave him alone right now, there’s no way--”

“So we’ll bring ‘im. It’ll be really lowkey, I promise.”

“But what if he’s not _up_ to it or--or what if he has a _panic attack_ in public or--or what if someone _recognizes_ him or--”

“Then I’ll take care of it,” Merle reassures her.

“But Merle--”

“I’ll take _care_ of it,” he reassures her again, more definitively.

Eventually, she agrees, so it’s off to Taako’s room next. Lup wants to follow Merle in there, so she’s the one that knocks on the door. “Taako, baby?” When she opens it, they’re both confronted by a Taako clearly feeling the effects of a Xanax hangover, kind of still calm and drugged but mostly… ...uh, not at home, so to speak. “Wanna go with me and Merle to pick out flowers?”

“F’r what?” He asks, voice dreamy. “Oh, right. The funeral. Naw, I think I might jus’ sleep.”

“You _sure?_ ” Lup is _clearly_ anxious to leave him by himself. She’s wringing her hands. “I’d really rather take you with us. You can nap in the car, if you want. I just don’t want you by yourself.”

To his credit, Taako _does_ seem to register the concern in his sister’s eyes. “Psh, _fuck,_ ” he says under his breath, “fuck _off,_ ‘m fine, but okay. I’ll go for you. Lemme get dressed ‘n’ everythin’.”

“Okay. Thanks, Taaks.”

“It’ll be good to spend time with you, pal.”

“Don’t patronize me, Highchurch. Get the fuck out of my room.”

With that much done, it’s time for them to wait for Taako to get ready. Lup is quiet, apprehensive; hovering. When he finally comes out it’s with his hat over his face, some kind of Glamour spell up, and a simple dark sundress on. No shoes. The sunglasses are the finishing touch, actually just plain and round and dark and hiding his eyes. Lup is dressed pretty much like normal; she’ll get ready for the funeral later. Either way, they’re under Merle’s care now, and he’s careful with them.

“I’ll drive,” he insists. “Anyone wanna sit in the front seat next to me?”

No takers. Lup needs to be by Taako right now, holding his hand like she can keep him from floating away. On the way, he tries to make a few jokes to lighten the mood, but no one responds to them. That’s fine. It might not be what they need right now. “So how much do you guys know about flowers, huh? Anything interesting?”

Taako scoffs, even as he’s not at home. “No one knows as much as you, so. Gross.”

Merle laughs. “That’s probably true. I _do_ know a lot of meanings of plants. If you don’t know what to pick, you can just leave it to me.”

“Gladly,” murmurs Taako, lazing and hazing in his seat.

Lup rubs his hand, eyes hurt. “We’ll probably both stay in the car.”

“I don’ need a _babysitter._ I’m just gonna _nap._ For fuck’s sake.”

“Taako, if you act like I have _no reason_ to be concerned for you after _everything_ that’s _happened,_ I swear--”

“‘m not,” he says, too simply. But that’s probably still the medicine and the dissociation. “I don’t wanna get in an argument with you right now, Lulu. But you’re wearing yourself so thin over me and it’s _gotta_ stop, ‘kay? It’s just _gotta._ ”

She goes quiet. “...I’ll be inside with Merle.”

“‘atta girl,” he reassures, petting her face. “You go look at pretty flowers. I’m _literally_ just going to sleep. Peace out.”

And he does. Lup waits a moment before she untangles her hand from his, gently, and kisses him on the forehead. Then, she starts walking beside Merle. He’s glad she’s going with him, but he knows better than to say it. A smile will suffice instead, and when they get inside the flower shop he gets to work. Gotta be some apple blossom in there, per Magnus’s request. Gladiolus for remembrance. Heliotrope for eternal love. Lavender for the devotion she had to her cause. A dark crimson rose for mourning her loss.

Then he gets to work on picking something for the elf beside him, unbeknownst to her. He picks a wallflower. Faithfulness in adversity.

For Taako, an aloe vera plant for healing, affection, and protection.

As an afterthought, both Julia and Taako get a single black-eyed susan for justice. Not yet served in either case, but on the horizon.

Lup bursts into tears when she finds out what he’s done, hugs him and thanks him so sincerely. Taako does his best to thank him, but he clearly can’t psychologically be around for today, so that’s okay. He promises to take care of the plant, at least.

When the funeral finally arrives a few hours later, Merle is so proud of everyone. They’ve done such a fantastic job putting everything together, and when the actual service rolls around the eulogy is touching. Many people have positive things to say about her impact on the world, her devotion to her causes, the way her smile lit up a room, her incredible strength and sense of humor. She’s pretty, Merle notes. Pretty and smiling. She was happy with her life and it was very full of help and passion. He can respect that.

The food’s good, too. It’s the little things.

When they see her lowered into the ground, the dynamic shifts. Merle watches it. _Everyone_ is looking at Magnus, offering a shoulder, ready to be leaned on. He bursts into tears as he says his proper goodbyes, leaving a lot of the apple blossoms there for her. Merle also insists that he leave the black-eyed susan, which he does.

Everyone is tired when it ends.

“What now?” Someone asks. It doesn’t matter who it is, because the answer remains the same.

_We keep living._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ugh, i've been... dreading this chapter? i just didn't want to tackle it. i hope i still did it justice, though. for me, my grandma was sort of the Merle of my life, the one i lost. and um. i don't know. abstract thoughts. i love you all, though. thank you for being so lovely and reading and commenting and caring.


	22. Chapter 19, pt 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for the abuse?? of psychiatric drugs. stay safe, pals

Taako’s high again.

In the months since Julia’s death (and the #JusticeforJulia movement stemming up around it), this has become something of a normal occurrence. Lup won’t let him get away with nabbing the super hardcore stuff, not even the _mildly_ _illegal_ stuff (even though marijuana laws are admittedly pretty bogus), but he’s managed to get his mitts on some pretty potent anti-anxiety shit. He’s started taking the mood stabilizers without complaint, but once again, he’s managed to find a way to worry her with that stuff, too.

“Meds aren’t supposed to numb you out,” she wants to say.

She never does.

There’s a time and a place to be blunt, to intervene. She’s tried multiple times since getting back from the funeral and trying to tentatively work a few days a week to have this conversation with him, but it’s like having a conversation with a phantom, a figment. He’ll swallow pills down the hatch and become glassy-eyed and agreeable, whipping up his own homemade concoction, a DIY Calm Emotions. Alcohol is another thing she tries to regulate, and thankfully has mostly succeeded, but that doesn’t mean anything; the meds are more frustrating, because they’ve been  _ prescribed. _

“Can’ get mad at me for doin’ what I gotta, sis,” he quips, tone dreamy as it all sets in way too quickly. “Blame th’ doctors.”

Hell, maybe she  _ should. _ Lup’s wanted so badly to be able to blame the doctors, blame the psychiatrists who supply him with all this shit and don’t keep on top of what he’s doing with it. Medication, when used properly, is important; the Paxil on her nightstand can speak to that, thankfully. But this… ...feels  _ wrong. _ Feels like the crooked smile and the drooling, the hazy heat flushing his face and the way he sleepwalks through life is almost worse than feeling the breadth of all the pain he’s been dealt. Is it bad of her to wish he’d feel? Maybe. After everything, maybe he’s earned the right to keep himself flat and even and detached from life. But she’s kind of sick of missing him when he’s right by her, and it… ...hurts.

Things are still stabilizing at home, hesitantly. Barry’s helped her to set up a room for Taako to stay in pretty much permanently. He does manage to see a psychiatrist once in awhile (with the help of Lucy’s Abjuration spells to avoid detection), though he staunchly and stubbornly refuses therapy. As for her, she’s started seeing her therapist twice a week, something that makes her feel as though she’s truly hit rock bottom. Her own shrink’s a wonderful lady who tries to urge Lup to make time for herself, room for her own feelings; she’s also pretty sure that Taako could use her services, or that they could use therapy just the two of them.

So it sucks that it would never work.

“Why not?” 

She fidgets uncomfortably in her seat, glancing at the floor. It’s unlike her, and she hates being made to feel so uncertain. “He’d… ...he’d never go for it.”

“How can you be so sure, Lup?” Isis is the polar opposite of everything her elf client’s life seems to be, and Lup can’t help but admire her as she looks across her at this woman in a white flowing sweater, hair white and wavy and flowing down her face with almost effortless elegance. She always seems so sure of herself, so ethereal in a weird way that Lup can’t quite put her finger on, and she’s always kind of privately wondered what kind of magical being took on the role of helping her manage her mental illness and life. It’s kind of unfortunate, actually, because even though she  _ seems _ so understanding and wise, Lup can’t help but envy the peace she seems to feel all the time. Sometimes she wonders how someone like that could ever understand her pain at all.

“Well, y’know Taako,” she says anyway, gesticulating as she talks. “Well, I mean, uh. You know what I’ve said about ‘im… Getting him to talk about trauma or feelings is  _ hell. _ He  _ hates _ stuff like this. Probably even more now, actually.”

“Things like this are incredibly difficult,” she murmurs agreeably. “Your commitment to something like this is admirable, but with what Taako’s been through, he has every reason to feel guarded and suspicious. I’d still like to meet him, though! If at all possible. Do you think you could at least  _ try  _ to talk to him?”

Lup sputters. “Ugh. I mean, yeah, I guess, but--but if this goes sideways, it’s on  _ you, _ Doc.”

“I take full responsibility,” she assures Lup, so calm and serene, slight smile playing on her lips. It’s as though she’s in on some sly joke that the elf isn’t all the time, something Lup can’t or just doesn’t perceive. “One meeting’s all I ask. I’d just like to help as much as possible.”

The elf across from her sighs. “Thank you so much. I’m glad I’m not alone in this stuff, y’know?” Her voice cracks more than she’d like it to; she hopes she doesn’t burst into tears  _ again. _

“It sounds like you have a  _ lot _ of support, Lup. Maybe more than you realize. Either way, of course my door’s always open. Tell Taako I can’t wait to meet him!”

Lup tries over dinner. As usual, her twin brother’s meal mostly consists of various pills with a side of lime gogurt, and even in the haze she can’t get him to eat more than that. He’s always been slight and thin, not packing the muscle that she herself had to earn out on the street, which makes this amount of weight loss concerning. Even frail and far away, he laughs. “Yeah, uh… ...that’s sweet of her ‘n’ all, but no. No thanks. Not my scene.”

She sighs, disappointed but not at all surprised. “Can’t you at least _ try? _ For me?”

“Quit it with the puppy dog eyes,” he complains, but by now there’s no real complaint in his voice. The meds are doing a good job of smothering it out, and he waves the tube of lime-flavored yogurt around with a certain nonchalance. “I  _ said _ no. Taako doesn’t  _ do _ therapy. End of story.”

“Pfft,” she scoffs, trying her hardest. “This is like,  _ barely _ therapy. It’s not like you’re her client or anything! Just pop in during one of my sessions and say ‘hi,’ that’s like,  _ all _ I’m asking. You don’t have to open up, you don’t have to say anything else--hell, you don’t even have to be  _ sober _ for the thing!”

Of course this is what gets him to stop and consider. “I don’t?”

“No  _ way, _ ” Lup finds herself saying, practically blurting it out. “You can show up out of your fuckin’ gourd for all I care, man. She’s just a big part of my life, and I think it’s important that you know about her, that’s all. Even Barry’s met her, huh, babe?” She shoots him what she hopes isn’t too blatant of a desperate look as she chews her chicken way too thoroughly.  _ Help me, Barry Bluejeans. You’re my only hope. _

Mercifully, Barry picks up on the hint super quick, sitting upright with a little bit of surprise and clearing his throat awkwardly as he pushes his glasses up the bridge of his nose. “Uh, yeah, I--I sure have. She’s really nice, Taako.”

“And she didn’t rope you into some kinda feelings bullshit?” Taako’s ears are flattened slightly. He doesn’t quite trust this, hat purposefully obfuscating most of his face.

“Nope. Just met me ‘n’ that was it.”

“Huh,” Taako murmurs with the least amount of enthusiasm possible, inspecting his nails which he’s painted clear and glossy for some reason. Even  _ that _ feels too understated and wrong, but Lup knows she’s overthinking things lately. She also knows… ...he’s not okay, though. Not at all. Not by a long shot. “Mmkay, then, I’ll bite. I’ll come with you. Why not?” And there’s a hint to his voice, something Lup recognizes, something like a hysteria underneath the meticulously applied level of calm that laughs,  _ none of this matters anyway. _ She knows it from observing him, true, but she’s also been there herself; it hurts to hear it from his mouth.

But hey, it’s a win, Barry reassures her.

He’s right.

The day of her next appointment, he’s… ...dressed more casually than she’s ever seen him. He  _ has _ to be fucking with her, or Isis, or  _ someone  _ because she didn’t even know Taako owned a fucking t-shirt ( **“** TAAKO **”** is scribbled on it in boring black sharpie). He definitely doesn’t wear denim shorts like that, either. The sunglasses are some tortoiseshell boring-looking whatevers he could’ve snagged at an airport, he’s wearing fucking  _ lime green crocs,  _ and there’s no jewelry to be found anywhere on his person. Most suspiciously of all, he leaves the hat and doesn’t even bother to brush or braid the hair, allowing it to stick out in all directions. Thin layer of lip gloss and that’s it for the makeup.

He looks… ...too different. This is definitely some kind of prank or sign that he just gives this little of a shit.

“You look… ...interesting today, Taaks,” she forces herself to say with a straight face.

“Good enough though, right? ‘Least I ain’t goin’ in my pajamas.”

_ Christ.  _ This is a full-blown nervous breakdown. “True. Um, are you--”

“Let’s let the  _ therapist _ decide,” he says with too much glee, hopping in the passenger seat. He thinks he’s being quick and sly enough that she doesn’t notice the way he takes a whole handful of pills with some water, probably too many; she won’t comment on it, though. At least he’s  _ going _ with her to this thing. Predictably, before they’re even out of the fucking driveway he’s living in la la land, smiling contently and even drooling a little, and she just sighs as her knuckles turn white and grip the wheel. “Sibling bonding, here we  _ come… _ ”

“Can’t wait,” she says, flatly. He’s so high he doesn’t even notice.

Thankfully, it’s not too long a drive. Lup has to remind him when she stops and parks that he’s gotta get out of the car, which he says is “totally one thousand percent coolio beans” before giving her a thumbs up and switching it to an okay sign. It occurs to her that she feels kind of  _ embarrassed _ that he’s going out with her this way, that he’s so obviously far gone, and her heart starts racing at the thought of it all. Maybe her therapist will see him and think he’s beyond help or needs to be institutionalized, or maybe--

\--maybe--

“Lup? Come on in.”

\--maybe it’s time to just get it over with, ugh.

“You got it,” she murmurs, tugging Taako along with a certain bashfulness that she  _ hates _ deep down in her bones. She takes a seat beside Taako, who’s leaning a little too closely into her for a fucking  _ therapy session, _ and tries not to hate herself.

“Ah,” Isis says, “and  _ this _ must be the famous Taako I’ve heard so much about!”

“Sure is, lady.” He throws lazy finger guns her way. “‘S my name; don’t wear it out.”

Lup could just die of embarrassment and shame and sadness right here, but… ...but she doesn’t. Because if her therapist is at all perturbed by Taako, she doesn’t show it at all, honestly. Maybe that’s just her job, but she seems just as gentle and accepting with him as she’s always been with Lup as she introduces herself. “It’s such a pleasure to finally get to know you, Taako,” she says, voice soft and friendly. “My name is Isis. I’ve been waiting for this day for a long time.”

Taako scoffs, sunglasses slightly askew. “Why, ‘cuz you know I’m  _ broken? _ ”

Well, that’s… ...super revealing and he probably doesn’t even realize it, but it gets Lup’s ears to perk up with interest. She tries not to look  _ too _ taken aback, for fear he’ll regret it or backpedal or run on out of here quick as he can. 

Isis, too, is doing a good job of keeping her face gentle and accepting and not at all surprised by anything, and she just smiles. “Not at all,” she reassures him. “In fact, I’d even argue that I know you aren’t.”

“Crock of shit,” he dismisses her, crossing his arms and legs. “Knew it’d be like this.”

She laughs gently. “The people I see… ...do think they’re broken sometimes, you know. I’ve seen many people, Taako, who think they’re so broken they can’t be fixed… ...and it’s not my job to fix them. They do most of that themselves.”

“What’s th’  _ point _ of you then?” He drawls lazily, pointing an accusatory finger out. 

She remains… ...so, so calm. Lup admires this calm and wishes to take it for herself. “What do you  _ want _ someone like me to do for you?”

“You don’t do drugs, right? Tha’s psychiatry.”

“Correct.”

“So nothin’,” he shrugs. “‘m just here for Lulu.”

Again, she feels that hideous embarrassment that she shouldn’t feel at all, wanting to duck slightly down or hide deep in the folds of the couch.  _ I’m so sorry for him, _ she imagines herself saying when this is all over, and she imagines herself saying it repeatedly.  _ I won’t let it happen again; he’s not ready, I won’t-- _

“You must love your sister very much,” her therapist notes.

He takes a moment to try to puzzle this out, even though he’s too far away to do it. “Yeah,” he finally admits, huffing a little and throwing up his hands. “So what. Don’t need anybody to suss that one out; don’t ‘xactly take a genius. We’re twins. We have that… ...twin… ...link...y thingy.”

Isis remains fuckin’ unflappable. What is this woman’s secret? Lup marvels.“I just think it’s a wonderful gesture, that’s all,” she shrugs. “To come here even when you don’t need or want to do it, only for the sake of your sister. Not everyone would do something like that for their sibling.”

“Yeah, well,” he sighs, “she’s… ...done a lotta shit for me lately, so.”

“Is that so?”

“Fuck  _ yeah, _ I mean, don’t even front with me like you don’  _ alrea’y know. _ ” He waves a hand outward, as animated as he can be at the moment. “She’s def complained to you about me; I can tell. Took me in, saved my actual ass from death, been lookin’ out for me this whole time. Me showing up to a building to have a talk with a  _ lady _ is like, nothin’. Easy peasy lemon squeezy.”

Isis clicks her tongue. “I wouldn’t say that’s  _ nothing. _ You had reservations about this, but you put them aside for her. That’s very thoughtful, Taako.”

“Eh. Would probably matter more if I had feelings.”

When Isis looks at him then, it’s like she can see the whole of him. She looks at Lup kinda like that too, but this nearly takes her breath away for a second, and she feels… ...so thankful to be here? Because this lady knows what’s up somehow. It’s like destiny or something. “Can I let you in on something?”

The significance of this moment isn’t lost on Taako, but he’s trying to move past it. “Um… ...yeah, okay. Sure. Hit me with it.”

“That makes it all the more meaningful to me,” she says. “And it’s more common than you’d think, Taako… ...that loss of feelings. I’ve seen it in a lot of people. It doesn’t say anything bad about you at all; it’s just what you have to do, right now, to be okay. Stop me if I’m missing the mark here, but… ...you’ve been so severed from your life, from your feelings, and yet? That love for Lup still lingers there, doesn’t it?”

Taako looks at her like he’s looking at her for the first time.

“Yeah,” he gasps like he’s only realizing it.

“That’s very special, Taako. And it means you’re doing very well and trying very hard. I don’t want to force you to feel things or talk about things if you don’t want to--I’ll  _ never _ do that to you and I’ve never done that to Lup. But I do think it matters a great deal to her that you came today. And if you wouldn’t mind doing it again, I’d enjoy your company, too.”

“What ‘f I… ...don’t wanna talk?”

“We can sit in silence if you want.”

He’s incredulous. “The  _ whole time? _ ”

“Yup. It’s your time, Taako.”

“What ‘f I… ...lie to you the whole time?”

“Only you’d know, wouldn’t you.”

“What ‘f I tell you to go fuck yourself?”

She looks him right in the eye, somehow, undeterred by the sunglasses. “You wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last.”

“Huh,” he sits with it. “Okay, whatever. I’ll try.”

“That’s all I ask.”

After that, he’s less willing to talk. He waits outside for the latter half of the session and leaves Lup to her usual business, and she’s surprised to find herself sobbing. A machine making white sound is what’s keeping people--most notably, Taako--from hearing what’s going on, and she sobs unabashedly about how she never thought she’d reach something like this with Taako, and she was so afraid he’d be seen as a danger to himself and taken away, and Isis just takes it all and looks up at her with those knowing eyes.

“You’ve carried so much of his weight,” she says. “Since birth, his problems were your own and vice versa. But you are  _ not _ the sole bearer of this pain, and you are both so strong and capable. I’ve never seen a truly hopeless case, but… ...but I really mean it, Lup.”

She looks out at Taako, briefly, who’s already nodding off as he reads an old copy of Vogue.

“You’re not only going to get through this; you’re going to be  _ amazing. _ ”

Lup thinks about it the whole drive home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaand it's back. my most personal write of all. lmao. I HOPE THIS CHAPTER IS... okay??? i have so much more to do w this story but sometimes u need a lil indication that there's Recovery at the end of this tunnel. because that's the point, tbh. <3 love u all, thanks for reading 'n' caring always.

**Author's Note:**

> idk what this is, i just got... inspiration for it?? i guess it's gonna be more than one chapter, even though i wasn't intending that at first. sorry i'm always thinking of TAZ AUs, i guess? welp. thanks for reading, as always~ i appreciate it. title comes from "Don't Make Me Come to Vegas" by Tori Amos, bc i'm trash for her.


End file.
